EXPLOSIONS AND STABBINGS AND TORTURE, OH MY! For real, fam, when was the last time an hour of television worked so hard to make you pass out from sheer hysterical panic? The reviews are in, and 100% of the hosts of this podcast describe “Perverse Instantiation, Part I” as “one of the most goddamn stress-inducing TV episodes of all time.” (Who are we kidding, next week will be worse, but Erin’s coming to Portland so at least we can huddle on the couch together and scream at each other in real time instead of two time zones apart via text.)

With all our precious babies more or less in the same plot now, we decided to break this down by character instead of storyline. Murphamy made our hearts leap, Kindra will never die, Jonty is on the rocks, we’re OBSESSED with Roan, Abby literally destroyed us as human beings, Briller is so cute they’re probably doomed, the Blakes are rising, Ontari is getting whatever the exact opposite of a character development arc is, and the Bellarke subtext is becoming text so fast that even ALIE is onto them.

STRAP IN, KIDS, IT’S FINALE TIME

(P.S. ALIE hacked into my laptop and there are a handful of weird sound things happening from time to time I'M SORRY DON'T HATE ME I'M STILL NEW AT THIS SHIT)

0:00 – Professor Erin’s Crash Course on the Meaning of the Episode Title

0:02 – We Have a Fancy New Tumblr, Y’all! (www.metastation.tumblr.com) Send Us Your Perversest Instantiations WAIT WHAT

0:05 – The Abrupt and Inexplicable Sabotaging of Jasper’s Spectacular Season 3 Arc

0:37 – The Geek Squad Is Rising: Monty and Raven Save the Day

0:46 – We Have No Chill About Roan

0:59 – FUCKIN' JAHA, MAN

1:01 – Pike and Indra Bring the Season’s Themes Home

1:06 – “The Dead Can’t Help Us”: Octavia Learns to Let Go

1:19 – We Were Not Prepared for Our Murphamy Feels to Be This Violent and Overwhelming

1:26 – SECOND VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST: Why Is Bellamy Repeating His S1 Character Arc?

1:43 – “Stubborn Like Her Mother”: Clarke and Abby and the Scene That Almost Broke Us

1:56 – Finale Death Predictions, Season 4 Speculation, and a Very Exciting Announcement!