In this episode of the parenting manual, we discuss how to show interest in your kids. One of the things that I love about our two young kids is that they are congruence seeking machines, meaning that they are always seeking to match up what we as their parents or other adults in their life say with the reality of whatever situation is presented to them. What do I mean by that?

Well, if I give my kid a box that has candy in it. And I say, Hey, here’s a box of candy. And he opens that box up and there is some toy matchbox cars in there, or there’s an empty box. He’s gonna call me out on that right away. Perhaps more accurate than saying they’re congruent seeking machines is they are, master detectors of anything that is incongruous with what you’re saying versus how you’re acting so. 

Summary and Quotes

[00:00:09] – Kids are Congruence seeking machines

[00:03:44] – View the world through a child’s eyes

[00:06:24] – Care deeply about what brings your kids joy

Quotes from the Episode:

“One of the things that we could do to really connect more with our children is to try and view the world through their eyes of that sort of congruence seeking machines.” [00:03:48]

“Whatever delights our children, we take joy in the fact that they are delighted by it.” [00:04:39]

“So that’s where the congruence lies, is that you don’t actually have to do the same activity as your child to show them that you care.” [00:07:47]

Transcript Below

As we grow and as we mature our interactions with other people and our cultural norms can tend to mute this and grew witty seeking effect. What do I mean by this? If you’ve ever been out to lunch with a group of colleagues or perhaps even family members, aunts, uncles, cousins, or something like that, depending on your background.

You may when the bill comes, if you pay the whole bill and then people reimburse you for that. Somebody may give you an envelope that has some money in it, and they may say, Hey, there’s 50 bucks in there. It’s all set. Thank you so much. Now you may not actually open that envelope at the time, and let’s say that you do, and instead of finding $50 in there, you find $45 in there.

Now, do you note that incongruity or do you. Make up a reason why there might not be that amount of money in the envelope that the person stated was in the envelope. But if you are a three-year-old kid, you are going to call out that incongruity a hundred times out of a hundred times. And it’s also situationally dependent as well.

Let’s say that someone is working as a cashier and they are checking out a client, it’s their job. Make sure that the cash is registered to the penny and make sure that the change is given back to the penny as well. Contrast that with a social environment where you’ve just gone out to lunch with a bunch of coworkers and maybe some clients that same envelope as past, and instead of there being $50 in there as the client just told you there was going to be, there is $45 in there. That’s when we start to make up reasons why in our head there is an incongruity. They’re supposed to be $50 in here. There’s only 45 in here. What are the reasons why? Now, it may vary from culture to culture as well. There are [people from] some cultures that would never even open up the envelope until they get back, into the privacy of, their own home or office.

There are other social settings where you would open up that envelope right there and you’d count out that money on the table. The point being that as adults, we have the ability to lie to ourselves and to tell ourselves that there’s a reason or justification or rationalization for something.

Whereas young children don’t have that ability yet. They haven’t developed that ability yet.