Methinks thou art the one, Neo! Now taketh some acting lessons, taketh the red pill, and joineth us as we Shake our Speares on the new episode of OPENING WEEKEND...eth! March 31st, 1999 gave us both a Ledger-rific redux of a classic Shakespeare comedy and a Fishburne-tastic redux of a classic Lewis Carroll novel. So plug into your headjack, because OPENING WEEKEND is about to upload 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU and THE MATRIX into your brain!

Mr. Anderson? Mr. O’Connell? Mr. Berman? Mr. Matisa? Time to eject yourselves out of the slimy pods you’ve lived in since birth. And yes, we’re talking about Long Island and New Jersey. 1999 is the time for Dan to join his pals Jason and Fred in New York City, where Fred is drumming up classic rock ’n’roll, Dan is saying goodbye to his classic car, and Jason is seeing classic Laurence Fishburne movies…with Laurence Fishburne. What in the name of Joey Pants’ obligatory dickishness is up with that?

As Julia Stiles tells Heath Ledger he sucks at being a trustworthy boyfriend, Fred’s bandmates tell him he sucks at playing guitar! While Dan earns his AEA (Actors’ Equity Association) card, Hugo Weaving earns his MCGWWTSKRIHSAF (Mean Computery Guy Who Wants To Shoot Keanu Reeves In His Stupid-Ass Face) card! And as Jason swaps comic books with his new best friend Larry Fishburne (it really happened), our guest Pat swaps Top 5 Shakespeare movie lists with each of us! Which has a better chance of happening: someone’s #1 being “Gnomeo and Juliet”, or the boys still not being able to avoid sound ducking (and other massive audio problems) after doing 43 of these friggin’ things? Find out this week!

PLUS, we reveal our top 5 Shakespeare-to-film adaptations with our delightful guest, Hudson Valley Shakespeare Festival contest winner, Pat! That’s right: It’s Pat! The only question you’ll have about this Pat is: is she delightful? (Spoiler alert: yes, she is.)

To be or not to be…a Quail-Salmon! Tonight we’re gonna hand-farty like it’s 1999, on OPENING WEEKEND!