“Calling Dick Tracy! Come in Dick Tracy! Gremlins have taken over New York City. No, not THOSE Gremlins. It’s a NEW batch. That’s right, this week the boys head to June 15, 1990 for DICK TRACY and GREMLINS 2: THE NEW BATCH!  So, stop ogling Madonna, Tracy, and get over to Opening Weekend Episode 54!” 

Remember back in June of 1990 when you took some of that orange goo from the popcorn machine at Movie City where Dan worked and smoked it after Fred’s Senior Frolic and then had visions of a mute Jason acting out Aristophanes while surrounded by hundreds of little green monsters dressed like hookers and gargoyles and pure electricity and giant spiders and Tony Randall and Edward G Robinson and Hulk Hogan and Leonard Maltin and you were like, “Woah, this is the craziest acid trip of my life” and then you woke up and then realized that you had just left “Gremlins 2: The New Batch” playing on a loop on your VCR and you were like, “Oh, thank God, but wait…AM I actually awake? Was I really just watching Gremlins 2? And if I was, and this is my reality, then who am I REALLY and what does it all mean and why is Al Pacino yelling at me and who is that old man in that bright yellow hat making out with Madonna and why is Fred giving out cars while Jason and Dan battle each other with twin babies and googley-eyed gremlins in a ThunderDome-like arena built by John Glover and Charles Durning and….” WAKE UP!!!! WAKE UP!!! WAKE UP!!!!

Oh, snap….it’s just Episode 54 of Opening Weekend.  

Man, I gotta lay off that orange Shalit.