CONTENT WARNING: The story of Tony Alamo contains details of child abuse awful enough to inspire a person to dig up Tony Alamo's body and beat the shit out of it.

The Solar Temple got pretty goddamn lucky when the randomizer put it up against Tony Alamo, let me tell you. But it does have some stuff going for it: Champagne! The Swiss Alps! Grail holograms! Arson! Meanwhile, Tony Alamo makes the impossible possible by making Susan Alamo look like Mother Teresa by comparison. Seriously. We knew Tony Alamo was a piece of shit but we had no idea how bad it was. Onward!