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Episode 80 - The Doe Code

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The Doe Code

Episode 80

 

"The Doe Code" is a lighthearted and humorous interpretation of the behaviours exhibited by goats, particularly mother goats, as they approach labour and delivery. Although it's not an official or scientific guide, it provides an amusing take on the quirks and unpredictabilities of goats during this time.

 

Many goat owners believe that this secret code is passed down from nanny to doe daughter and is strictly adhered to no matter how good the relationship with their humans is. 

 

Unlike other domestic farm animals, goats thrive when they are causing confusion and hassle to their humans. They are much smarter than you realise and will do exactly as they please! They cannot be tamed as some other farm animals.

 

The Doe Code

1- No kid shall be born until total chaos has been reached by all involved. Your owner's house must be a wreck, their family hungry and desperate for clean clothes, and their social life nonexistent.

 

2- "Midwives" must reach the babbling fool status before you kid out. Bloodshot eyes, tangled hair and the inability to form a sentence mean the time is getting close.

 

3- For every bell, beeper, camera or whistle they attach to you, kidding must be delayed by at least one day for each item. If they use an audio monitor, one good yell per hour will keep things interesting.

 

4- If you hear the words, "She's nowhere near ready. She'll be fine while we're away for the weekend," Wait until they load the car, then begin pushing!

 

5- Owner stress must be at an all-time high! If you are in the care of someone else, ten to fifteen phone calls a day is a sign you're getting close.

 

6- When you hear the words "I can't take it anymore!" wait at least three more days.

 

7 -You must keep this waiting game interesting. False alarms are mandatory! Little teasers such as looking at your stomach, pushing your food around in the bucket and then walking away from it, and nesting, are always good for a rise. Be creative and find new things to do to keep the adrenaline pumping in those who wait.

 

8- The honour of all goats is now in your hands. Use this time to avenge all of your barn mates. Think about your friend who had to wear that silly costume in front of those people. Hang onto that baby for another day. OH, they made him do tricks too! Three more days seems fair. Late feedings, the dreaded diet, bad haircuts, and those awful wormings can also be avenged at this time.

 

9- If you have fulfilled all of the above and are still not sure when to have the kids, listen to the weather forecast on the radio that has been so generously provided by those who wait. Severe storm warning is what you're waiting for. In the heart of the storm jump into action! The power could go out and you could have the last laugh. You have a good chance of those who wait missing the whole thing while searching for a flashlight that works!

 

10- Make the most of your interrupted nights. Beg for food each time someone comes into the barn to check on you. Your barn mates will love you as the extra goodies fall their way too.



Alternative sections of the "The Doe  Code" are as follows.

 

  1.  The Fake-Out: The goat appears to be in labour, showing all the signs—pawing, nesting, lying down, and getting up repeatedly—only to suddenly act like nothing is happening. This can go on for days, keeping goat owners on their toes.

    2.  

    1.  The Belly Drop: One day, the doe's belly suddenly seems to drop lower, making it appear as though she will go into labour any minute. However, she may still hold off for a while.

      2.  

      1.  The Moaning and Groaning: The doe begins to make noises, from low moans to more pronounced groans, suggesting that labour is imminent. But often, these sounds can last for hours or even days without actual labour starting.

        2.  

        1.  The Secret Birth: Despite all the signs of impending labour, the doe waits until the owner is not watching or has finally gone to sleep to give birth. It’s almost as if they have a sixth sense for when no one is looking.

          2.  

          1.  The Udder Watch: The doe's udder swells up, sometimes significantly, making it seem like labour is just around the corner. But in many cases, she might still take her time before giving birth.

            2.  

            1.  The Weather Trick: The doe might hold off on labour until the most inconvenient time, like during a storm, in the middle of the night, or when the weather is otherwise unpleasant. It’s almost like they want to make things as challenging as possible.

              2.  

              1.  The Eating Test: Even when the doe is showing signs of labour, she might still eat enthusiastically, leading the owner to second-guess whether labour is actually happening. Some does might even seem to eat more as labour nears, just to keep everyone guessing.

                2.  

                1.  The Great Clean-Up: The doe starts obsessively cleaning herself or even the area around her. This can be a sign that labour is close, but it can also be another trick to keep the owner on edge.

                  2.  

                  1.  The Houdini Act: Just when you think you have her in the perfect birthing spot, the doe somehow manages to escape or relocate, making you start the process all over again.

                    2.  

                    1.  The False Alarm: Sometimes, after a day filled with all the signs of impending labour, the doe decides she’s just not ready yet and acts like nothing was ever happening. This leaves the owner both relieved and frustrated.

                      2.  

                      And if you think we are joking you need to go buy a goat.

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                      Ditch The StoreBy CJ Steedman