Watching other people have sex is tucked deep into our DNA. We’re drawn to it out of curiosity, the thrill of voyeurism, the excitement of arousal, and the big-time driver in our human bodies, the desire to procreate. Watching others have sex has signaled the desire to have sex ourselves since time immemorial.

As a sex and relationship coach, I see how porn tends to pit partners against each other and lead a couple down the road of sexual shame, secrecy, and mistrust. It doesn’t have to be this way.

I’d like to widen your definition of porn and share some thoughts on how it can be used as a tool for sexual communication and exploration. Whether you defend porn or deplore it, you’ll find heaps of opinions that support you, as well as large swaths of people who will vehemently disagree with you.

Porn is not an argument to be won, or even a problem to be solved; pornography or erotica is something to be discussed, understood, and (for those who are inclined) integrated into a relationship as a tool to enhance your sex life, rather than damage it.

Pornography (depictions of people having sex) has been around for thousands of years. Erotic art has existed since the dawn of civilization, from Pompeii’s frescoes to India’s Tantric temple carvings and ancient fertility symbols.

Far from taboo, these early depictions celebrated pleasure, creation, and connection. Ethical porn today continues that timeless tradition of exploring desire with intention and respect.

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Welcome to the Internet

The internet has made porn so ubiquitous in our society that, these days, pretty much everyone has seen porn of some kind, and most of us have formed our position for or against it based on our sexual identities, our views on freedom of speech, our moral judgments, and our human rights perspectives.

It’s hard to pigeonhole porn these days. Like everything else, porn is changing and expanding. Whether it was yesteryear’s 8mm “stag films” or the Betamax or VHS videos of the 1980s that interspersed sex scenes with campy plots, the multi-billion-dollar porn industry evolved from the perspective of the business of creating increasingly explicit content for a primarily male consumer audience. The porn industry has more recently tilted toward decentralization, which has resulted in better conditions for actors.

A more direct and personalized experience is emerging via platforms like LiveCam, and OnlyFans sites that, in effect, make it possible to earn money from broadcasting erotic experiences directly from a person’s bedroom to paying customers.

Porn will always be part of our world. With the evolution of technology like VR headsets, porn will survive and thrive in forms we can currently barely imagine. And with blockchain technology, it will be difficult, if not impossible to ban or censor it.

Like water through rocks, porn will always find it’s path to be the driving front-runner of any new technology. The market demand has proven this to be the case, to date.

Even within the latest censorship laws (in the United States these are known as “FOSTA-SESTA”) that make it nearly impossible to use the word “sex” anymore in social media platforms (including the words “sex education”!) without losing your account and entire online business. Regardless, porn will, I have no doubt, remain one of the most sought-after subjects on the internet.

When a society suppresses sexuality in the form of porn, it’s probably also suppressing healthy sex education, as we see in schools across the country. Without an open, shame-free forum for sex education, we’re left with only the lies and stereotypes that mainstream porn imparts. This shows up in sexual challenges for our young people today.

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Mainstream porn entertainment is designed to entice you into watching more of it. If porn was based on real-life sex, we’d likely become bored. Why? Because real sex often includes things like seduction, touching, relaxed orgasmic build-up, and intimate conversation between partners.

Sometimes sex includes awkwardness, or messiness. Sometimes it’s amazing, and sometimes it falls a little short. That’s the way real sex is.

The delicious nuances that make for great sex can’t be experienced from the outside. These unseen factors are felt between the people engaged in intimacy, including connection, presence, chemistry, and vulnerability. This isn’t exactly clickbait material for the ever-decreasing human attention span that’s now approaching that of a goldfish (so they say).

We need to differentiate between mainstream porn, which makes money from clicks and ads, imparts misinformation, sets us up for impossible expectations, and desensitizes us to reality, and porn that’s potentially useful as a tool to help couples discover and enjoy their erotic desires.

One of the more common complaints I hear from couples about porn is that one partner watches it privately, while the other feels betrayed and becomes judgmental.

Understandably, secrecy born out of fear of judgment doesn’t lend itself to a happy, secure relationship. Whether it’s porn or online shopping, if we believe the only way to avoid conflict is to go underground, then it’s time for some honest conversations and agreements! Coming out of the ‘porn closet’ might seem scary, but surprising conversations can take place given the right environment and support.

Porn use is just one of many topics of conversations couples have in my sex and intimacy coaching. If there’s tension between partners about porn, these conversations may hurt a little at first, but the healing that comes with honest sharing is well worth the initial discomfort.

The reasons behind watching porn are varied and depend on the circumstances. People turn to porn for all sorts of reasons, including stress release, curiosity, novelty, and exploration of desires, as well as current dissatisfaction with sex.

If viewing porn is having a negative impact on a relationship, both partners need to sit down and really listen to each other (maybe for the first time). Some couples have never spoken about porn without inflicting shame, blame, and judgment on each other.

Take away the emotional battering, and a conversation about porn can lead to all sorts of shared insights and perspectives. There’s far more to porn these days than the aforementioned mainstream, male-focused fare that’s so easy and free to find.

I’d like to point out the ways in which porn, in its most ethical forms, can help couples tune in and turn on to online sex. Since porn is here to stay, let’s look at what’s out there, and how to discern between the good, the bad, and the ugly!

Ethical porn in a (largely) unethical industry

This is what Google says about ethical porn:

Ethical porn can be defined as that which is made legally, respects the rights of performers, has good working conditions, shows both fantasy and real-world sex and celebrates sexual diversity.

You’re more likely to find “ethical porn” when you move from the larger mainstream porn sites to paid or subscription sites that are independently produced and distributed.

These smaller productions companies make more diverse content showing a wider range of body types, genders, races, and different sexual activities. Most importantly, it includes a woman’s perspective (in front of the camera and behind it); since one-in-four people who watch porn are women, this is a game changer!

If we only expose ourselves to the same types of people and a limited depiction of what sex looks like, we’re going to severely narrow our own expectations of sex with a real partner and come to believe that sex only looks a certain way.

Ethical porn doesn’t support harmful racial and gender stereotypes. It often shows consent conversations on screen and underlines the importance of pleasure for all involved. Off screen, the working conditions are safe, and the wages are fair. In other words, the actors have agency and are treated respectfully.

Watching ethically produced productions removes the dissonance that arises around all the injustices commonly found in mainstream porn. Most women I work with do not want to see the misogyny and stereotypes that a lot of male-focused porn promotes.

Because most women know very little about alternatives to the mainstream porn fare, they understandably refuse to watch porn at all. They end up judging their partner’s porn viewing habits by this metric, which tends to drive their partner’s porn-watching underground. The breach of trust, along with the disapproval of porn, as they know it, will shut down further conversations about porn, leaving both partners feeling misunderstood.

Asking a reluctant, judgmental partner to explore new styles of porn that might appeal to them is a conversation that requires sensitivity and tact!

Do your homework first and give your partner links to sites geared to their sexual style and sensibility, whether that’s romantic and sensual or wild and kinky. Let them do their own research without you looking over their shoulder. Ask them to choose one or two sites that engage their imagination and share them with you when you have some private time together.

Reassure your partner that your interest in watching porn together is about enhancing your sex life together, not replacing them with fantasies about porn stars. Talk about the reasons why couples enjoy watching porn together, and (of course) read this chapter of The Turned-On Couple together.

Watching ethical porn together

Let’s explore the reasons some couples might want to watch ethically- produced porn together.

* One reason might be a lack of sexual experience. Whe n a person hasn’t had many sexual partners, they’re curious about sex. What’s normal? How do other couples have sex? What does pleasure look like with other couples?

* By imagining themselves in the roles of the actors, individuals and couples can start to enjoy watching their fantasies played out by others before exploring new experiences themselves. If the porn is realistic, it gives them confidence to step into new forms of sexual expression.

* Amateur porn introduces us to sex-positive couples who like to make their own porn for others to watch. By example, they teach us that sex doesn’t have to be shameful and hidden. We can empower our relationship to sex by watching others express and share what turns them on.

* Couples can find novel ideas to expand their erotic menu. Many people will admit they still have sex the same way they did in high school. Yet our sexuality can change like any other part of our life.

* When we watch porn together, we expose ourselves to new sexual styles and energies and evolve (both in terms of how we see ourselves, and how our partner sees us). Partners can find sexual acts or activities that excite them and then share them with their partner.

* Kicking off a conversation about things you find exciting isn’t always easy. By doing some solo investigation, we can find porn that turns us on, and share our desires with our partner.

* We can also learn about our partner’s erotic fantasy life and distinguish between things they want to try and things they’d prefer just to fantasize about. Liking a certain kind of porn doesn’t mean you have to, or even want to, experience it for real.

* Diversity in porn includes age. Porn focuses predominantly on younger people, giving the message that older folks either don’t watch porn, want to see younger bodies, or don’t care about sex that much anymore, none of which is necessarily true (at all!)

Many years ago, during my own sexual education I watched porn featuring a couple in their seventies. It was then, and still is a novel demographic to see represented in “porn”.

I was touched by the mood and energy of their lovemaking. They looked extremely relaxed with their bodies, and their relationship to their sexuality was confident and emotionally connected. They weren’t performing, or trying to be ‘hot’.

They laughed together, talked during sex in the form of feedback and what they wanted, and enjoyed post-orgasm intimacy in each other’s arms. The video depicted sex as a lifetime enjoyment that has no age limit.

Now that I’m one of the older folks myself, I coach many seniors in having fulfilling sex lives. Is it possible that sex gets better as we get older? Yes, for so many reasons!

It’s easy to get drawn into porn rabbit holes that aren’t necessarily your bag and shut you down to looking any further.

If you want to explore ethical online porn, here are a few resources to point you in the right direction:

* 1. Watch a TED Talk given by Cindy Gallop

* (www.makelovenotporn.tv): https://www.ted.com/talks/cindy_gallop_make_love_not_porn

* 2. Read an article on Erika Lust, just one of many female porn directors who are changing the face of porn:

* https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a20471/how-female-filmmakers-are-reinventing-porn-for-stylish-women/

* 3. Read an article about a senior couple who agreed to star in an Erika Lust film:

* https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/why-these-seniors-decided-to-start-making-porn-in-their-seventies

* 4. Learn about the world of erotica and the power of the written word. You don’t have to sit in front of a screen to get turned on! https://www.frolicme.com

* 5. Check out Dipsea. It’s an app that is focused on helping women tap into their sexuality more easily through the power of storytelling. Listening to erotica can be a great way to close your eyes and allow your multitasking brain to take a break. https://www.dipseastories.com

I hope this opens your eyes to the fact that there’s a wide variety of porn available for those who dislike the mainstream commercialized variety.

Spend a bit of money and support porn and erotica that promote inclusivity, authenticity, and sex positivity for all genders and sexual styles!

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