Growing up, I didn’t have a lot of emotional mirroring or reflection
Most of my family was too busy to engage
The sister closest in age, however, had lots of time on her hands
Which she used to tell me how much she hated me
That everyone did
That anyone who pretended to like me, was indeed just pretending
Not just most days
Every day
Consequently, I felt the need to get a second opinion
And, not finding a willing mirror in my own house
I used to go knock on doors in my neighborhood
Plenty of people didn’t open the door
And in retrospect, I can’t blame them
“Hi. I’m 7. I’m just looking for someone to talk to.”
There was one old lady who would answer almost every time I knocked
She got loose tobacco from a Native American farm in Virginia
We would talk while I watched her roll her cigarettes
Another house would answer the door when their grandchild was over
And I was happy to entertain the toddler for an hour or two
Most people were just confused
And eventually, I got the hint
But I carried the desire for a reliable witness throughout my development
I would ask teachers and counselors for an honest assessment of me
Strengths and weaknesses
And usually they would tell me how smart and resourceful I was
But that I could be more patient
That wasn’t what I wanted to hear
I wanted to hear something that could reconcile my sense of self
With my sister’s constant assessment of me
But I also knew that my sister’s take was skewed
And that I was too close to understand my own blind spots
And so, I kept asking
Now, we live in a polite society
People generally are not equipped to give constructive psychological evaluations
Most told me what they thought I wanted to hear
Until Lou Schultz
Lou was the president of the company I worked for
And the husband of my dearest friend
He was successful, succinct, and no-b******t
So, one day, at about 30 years old
I decided Lou was the perfect person to ask
And he did not disappoint
He wasn’t going to fluff my pillow
I’d asked him a question and I was getting my answer
He started with things he liked about me
And then he dug into where he thought I was an idiot
One example: “You’re political without being politically astute”
I asked for clarification
He recalled a business dinner I’d relayed to him previously
I’d done a negative POV paper about a company
The president of which was a former roommate of the president of GM
I’d recommended GM not engage
Of course they engaged
They were always going to engage, and I should’ve known that
And I certainly shouldn’t have confessed to being the author of the paper at the dinner
Yeah.
There were other things he offered
All of them valid from his lens
And, after all those years of asking
I finally had an unflinching assessment of who I was as a person
From someone I knew and respected
And, I won’t lie: I was crushed
I spent several days in a funk. Wouldn’t leave my house. Had to process.
I’d asked for it
I’d gotten it
And now I had to deal with it
Imagine my surprise, then, when several days later a very high-ranking executive called me
One of the people at that business dinner Lou said I’d flubbed
“I want to offer you a job,” he said
“Your honesty is refreshing, and your lack of posturing is unique”
A fog lifted
I didn’t take the job
But I got something much better
I finally saw I was mistaking frames for mirrors
Echolocation doesn’t tell a bat who she is
It just tells her where she is
I’ll always love Lou for being the first person to be truly candid with me
And the last
Because I never had to ask that question again
P.S. I no longer ask strangers who I am. I do still enjoy talking to them.
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