Being human is to be a social creature. In order for our brain to develop to its fullest capacity depends upon the types of interactions we had with others while we were developing, especially those interactions with our primary caretakers. The field of Interpersonal Neurobiology is providing insight into the effects of interpersonal interactions and their subsequent impact on the brain’s physiology and structure.

Our early years serve as the foundation when our development can unfold and blossom, or whither and stunt our potential. We know that without the presence of specific types of interactions, we are likely to develop an anxious/ambivalent or avoidant attachment style with our caregiver, leading to impaired interpersonal functioning as an adult. These factors include: 1) collaborative communication; 2) reflective dialogue; 3) repair; 4) coherent narratives; and 5) emotional communication. We will cover these factors later in this article.

Can I See You?

As infants we need the essential physical care of food, shelter and warmth, but in our interactions with our caregivers, we learn to be a particular type of person. We learn valuable social skills like attuning to others. That implies that we can empathize with their situation and can express this to them. It allows me to walk a mile in another’s shoes so that I don’t just see the world from my own point of view. Attunement also implies that I feel seen and heard, that it is ok to have and share my feelings which gives me the capacity to empathize and feel compassion for others as well.

Additionally, as infants, we need eye contact that helps us feel safe and seen in our world, we need comfort when we are sad or not well, we need to feel that our feelings are real and that we feel understood. These types of interactions help us learn to not only know ourselves but also helps us understand the mindscape of another person.

Why Don’t I Feel Seen?

It’s unfortunate that some children are reared in environments where their needs are met with impatience, weariness, frustration, or abuse. What a child learns when these negative types of interactions are repetitive and consistent is that it is not safe to have feelings or needs. This stunts our capacity to have successful relationships because we do not develop secure attachment in these situations. Likely, this leads to either an insecure/ambivalent attachment style or worse, an avoidant attachment style.

If you grew up in a less than caring and loving environment, you may feel some recognition with my ideas. Have you had relationships that just don’t seem to satisfy your needs or desires? Have you felt frustrated and unheard? Do you find it hard to express your feelings, or do you have difficulty being able to even identify your feelings?

Relationships are so complex, but there is a way to assure that our contribution to a partnership is positive and forward thinking if we will take the time to examine our own psyche. When we understand that there were circumstances not within our control as we grew up, we can begin to unravel the web that has us caught in the repetition compulsion of dysfunctional cycles.

No wonder that so many people have relationship challenges! Too many people grew up without the type of attunement that they needed to grow and evolve into their potential for health, happiness, and fulfilling relationships. In fact, according to some figures, about 97% of all people come from dysfunctional families! This helps us understand the challenges we face when it comes to good relationships that are filled with mutual respect, appreciation, caring, loving and trust.

What Is Attunement?

Attunement requires the five essential factors listed earlier in this article. Let’s go over what those five factors are.

Collaborative communication - This refers to such aspects as eye contact, facial expressions, tone of voice, bodily gestures, timing, and intensity of responses between the caregiver and child. One can imagine the double messages that can interfere with healthy development of a child’s core consciousness when body language reflects a far different message than the words being spoken. Resonance between the caregiver and the child creates a connecting environment that supports the development of a number of domains in childhood such as social, emotional, and cognitive functioning.

Reflective Dialogue—This is when each person in the interaction verbally shares what their focus is in the interaction or describes her internal experience. Sharing of this perceived meaning in the mental state of the caregiver, involves emotions, perceptions, thoughts, intentions, memories, ideas, beliefs, and attitudes. We attune to others, and then provide our own meaning to the situation, which helps our children learn the social skills of attuning to others, helping them develop empathy. Reflecting upon the situation also helps children to make sense of their own internal experience as well.

Repair – Repair to disruptions in a relationship is healing. When there are breaches to the relationship, the efforts towards repair helps children understand that misunderstandings are simply a part of relationships. A child learns to make sense of disruptions and to create a sense of meaning by understanding one’s own and another’s mind.

Coherent Narratives – These types of narratives form an autobiographical form of self awareness that includes both positive and negative memories. Coherent narratives provide a tool for living that helps us better understand both our internal and external world. I see this as a form of storytelling about our lives. Large gaps in our narrative can indicate incoherence due to non-integration of our experiences. When we leave out parts of our story, we likely have shoved it into the unconscious where it may be hidden from our sight, but likely colors our interactions and perceptions.

Emotional Communication – This type of communication involves both the sharing of positive emotional events as well as negative emotional states without emotional abandonment. Children need to learn that although they or others may experience negative emotions, the relationship is such that the caregiver will stay engaged emotionally with the child.

These five factors are essential for fostering secure attachment when we are children that leads to the ability to interact in relationships with honest sharing without fear of being abandoned. It also fosters the ability to “see” into the other person’s mind and emotions.

When our relationships don’t work out, we begin to wonder what is wrong with us? What did I do? What didn’t I do? What could I have done differently? Why did this happen to me? We blame ourselves because we just can’t get others to do what we think they should do to make things better (this is codependency). Or we blame ourselves because we expressed our feelings or needs and it caused an outbreak of chaos to occur. It’s a vicious cycle.

Attunement teaches us the experiences we need to develop the capacity for happy, fulfilling relationships. Without these experiences with others while developing, our brain is “off line” in key prefrontal cortex areas that need to be developed through attunement with others so that we can BE “in tune” with others. If we didn’t have those experiences, we never learned it. If we can’t attune to others, we won’t be able to pick up on their emotional states and address them accordingly. We may come off as being unfeeling, uncaring or narcissistic. Additionally, without the right kind of attunement growing up we are at risk of undeveloped prefrontal cortex functions that are essential for our mental health.

Nine Functions of the Prefrontal Cortex

The brain has been studied extensively. The focus on the prefrontal cortex has revealed some of the important functions it serves, especially as it relates to interrelating. The following list shows us how important the prefrontal cortex is to interrelationship health:

* Regulates the body (heart/lungs)

* Attunes us to another (how does it feel?)

* Balances our emotions (valenced states) between pleasant situations, and unpleasant ones that can induce states of stress, anxiety, or irritation.

* Has the capacity to extinguish fear by damping down the firing of nerves associated with fear.

* Gives us the ability to pause before acting (gives us response flexibility)

* Provides insight into self-knowing awareness (past-present-future connection)

* Allows us to be empathic and to create maps of another’s feelings in our mind

* Gives of the capacity for morality (think about compassion) and to focus on social goodness

* Involved in interoception, or one’s perception of the internal signals from our body. Also is directly correlated with the ability to have empathy.

Developing Mindsight Skills

It’s unfortunate to learn that this may be what is preventing harmony in our relationships. It wasn’t our fault, but can we remedy the situation and how? Are we doomed to remain the same or is there a path to healing the undeveloped aspects of our brain that will help us develop what Dr. Dan Seigel calls Mindsight?

Mindsight means to see your mind and not to just have one. If we monitor and modify the mind we can develop a stronger mind. Mindfulness techniques help us regulate emotions and behaviors. In children, this equates to increased empathy, decreased bullying, and helping with attention deficit problems.

Developing Mindsight skills changes the physiology within our brain, allowing for better emotional regulation and more attuned communications. As we are learning, the plasticity of the brain is a lifelong process and not just limited to when we are young. With the development of greater Mindsight – to be more objective, more observant and more open – the areas of the brain that were not sufficiently integrated will develop connections that allow for a more coherent narrative, and therefore a greater response flexibility (responding instead of reacting) and more complexity of behavior. This integration of the different areas of the prefrontal cortex of the brain leads to the rewiring necessary for greater Mindsight and thus more satisfying and harmonious relationships.

Mindsight can be facilitated through meditation. Meditation and mindfulness training helps us to be aware of our awareness, aware of our intention, and also stimulates the neurons to change the brain and strengthens the integrative fibers of the mind. I’ve listed a few references below that you might want to read to better understand attunement and Mindsight.

Namaste

References

Ng, S. (2013). Breaking the code of codependence. San Jose, CA: Wu Chi Creations.

Seigel, D. (2010). The mindful therapist: a clinician’s guide to mindsight and neural integration. New York: W.W. Norton, & Company, Inc.

Seigel, D. (2011). Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. New York: Bantam Books.

Seigel, D. (2012). Pocket guide to interpersonal neurobiology: An integrative handbook of the mind. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.

Music Credit Acknowledgment:

https://uppbeat.io/t/rahul-popawala/north-indian-alleys

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