Why do we fight?

1. 1. 1. Perceptions
      2. ideas
      3. values
      4. desires

Consider If it is worth it to have this fight/ difficult conversation- do you have a relationship that could be repaired by talking it out?

Are you a stuffer or exploder? Neither is a good method. You shouldn't save insults, but also you want to have an exploration and a fix to a situation, not just get angry and blow up.

In order to save the relationship: Expect to compromise, not win.

1. 1. 1. Set Ground rules before you can even fight.
      2. Come from Love and understand why you feel like you need to have this discussion.
      3. Actions
         1. Do
            1. Keep Calm! If you think you are losing it, get up and walk away, breathe deep, whatever helps you calm down. If you need a time out, agree to a time and place to resume.
            2. Don't bring it up when there is limited time or energy (Example: Right before work or late at night).
            3. Make sure there are "distracting injuries"- other things that would artificially heighten the stress of this topic
            4. For the love of cheddar, do not use "We Need to Talk" without filling in the blank. It is a matter of being considerate and showing respect!
         2. What we don't do
            1. Never when drugs or alcohol has been imbibed
            2. Only one topic at a time
            3. Check about timing- not right before bed, when other things are going on/mood
      4. Words
         1. Never use insults, name-calling, or accusations
         2. Be specific and stick to one thing at a time (don't bring up the past if it has been discussed before)
         3. Don't interrupt, but do use active listening techniques
         4. You cannot argue with feelings sensations or perceptions
            1. but must allow others to explain
            2. take the time to find a common way to communicate
            3. Use I statements not you statements
         5. When a topic is sensitive: You have a right to express your feelings but you have to acknowledge and listen to their feelings too
         6. Beware the generalization!
         7. No one should just shut up. It is not effective to have just broadcast because it might get something off of their chest but it will still fester if they don't feel heard.
         8. No Yelling!

Fight Fair and your relationship can come out even stronger- you might get to know each other even better! Discuss these rules of engagement ahead of time!

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