For sale: Baby flipper, never worn. We explore the troubling world of child beauty pageants by examining 19th century Baby Shows and TLC’s Toddlers and Tiaras. Let’s cheer on these tots as they, against their will, vie for titles such as “Best Dressed Baby” and “Ultimate Grand Supreme.”

If you are judged the most beautiful baby of them all, you’re entitled to prizes such as Princess Canopy Bed, fine housewares, cash money, and Mommy’s Approval. So chug that Tinker Tea and shake some ass, we’ve got a pageant to win!

Plus: the cartoon characters we find most bangable (extended cut), our uniquely terrifying experiences with Spirited Away, and life insurance incentives: have they gone too far?