I still don't know if I can do this. I start work tomorrow, after a whole year off, with sleep deprivation still affecting my memory and my ability to cope, with my emotions always close to the surface. I don't know if I can be the mother I want to be and do my job well enough that I'm not letting everybody down. I do know it's going to be really hard. 

I hadn't understood before you arrived how painful it would feel to be away from you. I hadn't understood that I couldn't leave you with just anybody. That you'd be a defenseless baby, just starting to crawl, when I went back to work after a generous year of maternity leave. I wish we had a few more months. Suddenly I have to be away from you for 8 hours a day, starting today, after having spent only hours away from you in your whole life until now. It physically hurts. 
I know I'm spoilt, I'm privileged. Thank you Denmark, I am forever grateful for the generous paid leave. I was only just starting to feel ready to leave the house at the point most women have to go back to work! It's been the best and most rewarding year of my life and I don't want it to end. 

To top it off, on Monday, it's my birthday. I'm 40. 

This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. I'm supported by generous listeners and the Australian Cultural Fund. 

Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:
'Simple Hop' and 'Caught in the Beat' by Broke For Free; 'Out of the Skies, Under the Earth' by Chris Zabriskie; 'Don’t Say Goodbye' by Candlegravity.

Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: 
'Drop of Water in the Ocean' by Broke For Free.

Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for your willingness to be part of the story. To Tally Abacissis who’s podcast series 'First Day Back' inspired more than the title of this episode. Finally, thanks, Michael for the coffee, and thank you, Jenny for the cake. 

US listeners, support the series and eat well.  Hello Fresh Has signed on to support me for 2017! Sign up at www.hellofresh.com and use the promo code 'noaccident35' to get $35 off your first delivery. Everybody wins!

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series or to get in touch.


I’ll be back, at work, in two weeks.

Ep 18: First Day Back

I became a single mother by choice, not by accident. I’ve been recording our lives for seven years to tell this story, about making choices and taking action to live the life you want. If you’re a parent, want to be a parent, or just love good storytelling, this podcast is for you.

Personal Journals

Society & Culture

History

Philosophy

Places & Travel

Kids & Family

Health & Fitness

We have a great start to 2018. Fireworks on New Year’s Eve. You and me, and thousands of Canberrans by the lake on a perfect summer’s evening. Life is in control. I have a grant to write a book, Wondery wants the podcast to continue, advertisers are keen, listeners seem keen. I thought I was just about done, but all this has me feeling optimistic. 

You’re reaching new levels of autonomy, independence, with thoughts, interests and a whole world opening up that has nothing to do with me. You challenge me, you question me, sometimes you know things I don’t know. You have a point of view. You always did in a way, but somehow this is new.  

Childcare and preschool have prepared you (and me) for Kindergarten. You’re ready. For now, school is exactly where you want to be.

I’m at crossroads again. I’ve been heading for it for a while. I need to make a change. I need to finish writing the book. 

I’ve said most of what I wanted to say in our podcast. I’ve spent almost three years making 34 episodes, it’s almost 16 hours. Our lives as stories, for me, for our family, for all people who chose to listen, but most of all for you. It’s yours Astrid, forever, with all my love. 

You’re an autonomous person now. It’s time to let you be the custodian of your own story. 

This is the end of season two. It is time to stop. I predict one or two stray episodes in the future when there’s something worth saying, but more or less, this is it. There won’t be a season three.

If this was fiction, we’d have a big ending. Something life-changing. But this isn’t fiction. This isn’t the future. This is real life. This is now.

Instead I’ll end with something I can control. This occasion deserves a party!




This production is made by me, Sophie Harper, in partnership with Wondery. We’re supported by generous listeners. Story editing by Michelle Webster.

Thank you family and friends for letting me share your stories and for all your support. 

Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: Charge Into 2015, The Time To Run andThe Stars Are Out (Interlude) by Dexter Britain, Tam8+ei4 by LJ Kruzer and Spellbound by Broke For Free. 

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Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, to get in touch and join the e-newsletter to hear what we’re up to.

I will miss all you listeners. Some have become real world friends, and many more feel like friends to me. I have been so deeply touched my your emails, reviews, voice messages and by your donations. I truely will treasure your words for the rest of my life. I think we both will. And you can know we’re both here, figuring things out, adapting our priorities, sometimes struggling, sometimes succeeding, just living life. Don’t worry, we’re still here in real life. 

If you’d like to send a one-off donation, go to www.paypal.me/notbyaccident. 

Thank you so much you amazing people who have supported us on Patreon! 

Julie Greb, Margaret P. Jones, Trish Perlen, Angela Kim, Emma Burbank, Ellie McHale, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Sarah E. Leslie, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Megan O’Brien, Katie Wolgamot, Hannah Lownsbrough, Lilit Asiryan, Laura Madge, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell, Mariele Thadani, Pip Muir, Cynthia Madia and more.

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Thank you so much for listening.

Ep 34: Springtime

I never thought it was ideal being a two person family. There’s not somebody obvious for you to turn to when I let you down. It’s a lot of pressure, for both of us, forever I suppose. If I keep being single as I age and you grow up, I’m afraid you’ll feel responsible for me. That you have to put off things in your own life to be here for me. I want you to do what you want to do, to live in another city, or country, to make choices for you, to have an interesting life. I don’t want you to be burdened or worried or responsible for me. But because I’m an older mother, a geriatric mother, a single mother, and because you’re my only child, I’m afraid you will. 

I thought maybe I’d have another baby. I thought I’d reserve some samples from your donor so you’d be full biological siblings. I intended to reserve some. It never even occurred to me to freeze my eggs to buy more time. Life was more expensive. I never had money to spare. It was always in the back of my mind, the reservation. I could have prioritised it. I’m sure I could have. But I didn’t.

Sometimes decisions are taken out of your hands. You apply for something and others make the decision on whether you can have it. You aspire to something, work towards it, but lack of money or time, or health, or privilege, or luck keep it out of reach. Sometimes you just don’t quite make a decision, and realise one day that you no longer have a choice. 







This production is made by Sophie and Astrid Harper, in partnership with Wondery. We’re supported by generous listeners. Story editing by Michelle Webster.

Thank you family and friends for letting me share your stories. Extra thanks for letting me record, Adelin, Caroline, Lauren, and of course Astrid.

 Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License: One And and Spellbound by Broke For Free. 

By permission from the artist: You, You’ll be Waiting by Baby Blue. 

Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.




Thank you so much you amazing people who support us on Patreon! 

Julie Greb, Margaret P. Jones, Trish Perlen, Angela Kim, Emma Burbank, Ellie McHale, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Sarah E. Leslie, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Megan O’Brien, Katie Wolgamot, Hannah Lownsbrough, Lilit Asiryan, Laura Madge, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell, Mariele Thadani, Pip Muir, Cynthia Madia and more.

If you’d like to send a one-off donation, go to www.paypal.me/notbyaccident. 

 

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch.




Sponsored by Hello Fresh: US listeners, For a total of $60 off, that’s $20 off your first 3 boxes, visit hellofresh.com/accident60 and enter accident60.




We’ll be back with the next instalment, the end of season two, in about 4 weeks.

Ep 33: Enough

We’re watching Mimi’s bridal waltz, lit by the sunset’s golden glow in a retro-opulent ballroom, filled with love. I have a huge lump in my throat. I can’t quite believe we’re here, for this moment, for Michael and Antonia, young lovers who lost touch for years, then found each other again, and somehow found themselves. They seem as filled with joy as it’s possible to be. And I am too, as I look around the table at our closest friends from Denmark who we left a year ago, reunited, as if geography is nothing and the bonds of friendship are everything. I glance out at golden Manhattan across the East River, as I squeeze you on my lap, my little companion, and my depletion is filled up. By this city, this adventure, these people, this wedding, by all this love and by you.

There have been obstacles getting here. I needed help with the money. And travel with a kid is hard. I haven’t been able to control everything. Sleep is a battle, with jet lag and adrenalin pushing us further and further out of sync. But amongst logistical headaches, so many moments have been magical, since we left Canberra on last week’s pre-dawn flight. 




This production is made by Sophie and Astrid Harper, in partnership with Wondery. We’re supported by generous listeners. Dear patreon supporters, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the ongoing support. Story editing by Michelle Webster.

Thanks to Michael and Antonia, Steen, Ana, Jim, Anne and the boys, to my biggest nephew Sebastian, and especially to you Astrid, for letting me share your stories. 

Music from the wedding (invoking Fair Use) That’s Amore by Dean Martin, New York New York by Frank Sinatra, Ave Maria by Bach/Gounod, Get Ready by The Temptations, You Send Me by Sam Cooke, Unchained Melody by The Righteous Brothers and Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper. 

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Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.




Sponsored by Hello Fresh: US listeners, for $30 off your first week of HelloFresh, visit hellofresh.com/accident30 and enter code ACCIDENT30

 

Thank you kind people supporting us on Patreon! Margaret P. Jones, Trish Perlen, Angela Kim, Emma Burbank, Ellie McHale, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Sarah E. Leslie, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Megan O’Brien, Katie Wolgamot, Hannah Lownsbrough, Lilit Asiryan, Laura Madge, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell, Mariele Thadani, Pip Muir and more.

If you’d like to chip in a couple of dollars towards each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident. 

 

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch.

 

We’ll be back with the next instalment in about 4 weeks.

Ep 32: And the World is!

It's May 2016. The podcast is taking off. Astrid's new cousin is due next month! And I can't decide if we should ignore the fact that we are broke and somehow find a way to go to New York for Mimi's wedding, for a reunion with our friends from Denmark one year on, while Astrid still remembers them.

Time has turned in on itself. These events of mid 2016 might feel familiar, though context has changed. The series has become a mobius strip.

 

This production is made by Sophie and Astrid Harper, in partnership with Wondery. We’re supported by generous listeners. Story editing by Michelle Webster.

 

Thanks to my family and friends for being part of the story, and especially to Astrid. 

 

Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:

Weathered Home 3:Bird Split Sky by Candlegravity, Sound Merchant by simon_mathewson and Readers! Do You Read? by Chris Zabriskie. 

 

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Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.




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Thank you kind people supporting us on Patreon! Margaret P. Jones, Trish Perlen, Angela Kim, Emma Burbank, Ellie McHale, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Sarah E. Leslie, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Megan O’Brien, Katie Wolgamot, Hannah Lownsbrough, Lilit Asiryan, Laura Madge, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell and Mariele Thadani and more.

If you’d like to chip in a couple of dollars towards each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident. 

 

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch.

 

We’ll be back with the next instalment in about 4 weeks.

Ep 31: Taking Off

I get to work on too many ideas. I’m going to work for myself. That’s decided. I register as a business, open a bank account, brainstorm plans, buy three web domains. There are a lot of things I want to do. I’ll be a freelancer, teaching, video production, maybe other things, but not too much. I can’t be swamped because there’s more. I’ll start an online documentary school. I’ll write some books. I know what I want to write. I’m itching to start. And I have three podcast ideas. Cooking with my mum, documentary filmmaker conversations, and our story. I want to do them all!

I have to pick a place to start and our podcast is the one closest to my heart. I try to turn down the volume on all my screaming ideas and to concentrate. Since 2011 I’ve recorded clips from my life, from our lives, with the hope that one day I could use them to tell the story of becoming a single mother by choice. I’ve been writing little passages in my head for years. I have 300 audio clips, about 200 hours. I listen, I trim, I take notes, I double the speed. Days pass like this. It’s going to take forever. Sometimes it feels voyeuristic. Peering into a past life. One I’d partially forgotten, as if it’s someone else’s. 

I pick a date. I announce the series. Now I can’t back out. This is happening. 

  

This production is made by Sophie and Astrid Harper, in partnership with Wondery. We’re supported by generous listeners. Story editing by Michelle Webster.

Thanks to my family and friends for being part of the story, and especially to Astrid. 

Music from freemusicarchive.org - CC NC License:

Charge Into 2015 by Dexter Britain, Eutrophic by Mystery Mammal and Ennui by Lee Rosevere. 

Ad music from freemusicarchive.org - CC Commercial License: 

Drop of Water in the Ocean by Broke For Free.

Hello Fresh: US listeners, for $30 off your first week of HelloFresh, visit hellofresh.com/accident30 and enter code ACCIDENT30

Thank you kind people supporting us on Patreon! Margaret P. Jones, Trish Perlen, Angela Kim, Emma Burbank, Ellie McHale, Russell Kerrison, Julie Greenhalgh, Rebecca Reid, Kasey Tomkins, Dianne Firth, Anne Staude, Sarah E. Leslie, Adam Coulson, Melanie Ann, Lea Durie, Laura Getson, Bill, Sue Giugni, Maia Bittner, Elizabeth Adcock, Megan O’Brien, Katie Wolgamot, Lilit Asiryan, Laura Madge, Laura Cherry, Bethany White, Paul S Mitchell and Mariele Thadani and more.

If you’dlike to chip in a couple of dollars towards each new episode, go to patreon.com/notbyaccident.

Go to www.notbyaccident.net to find out more about the series, join the e-newsletter or to get in touch.

We’ll be back with the next instalment in about 4 weeks.

Ep 18: First Day Back

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