Elight-year-olds must follow directions to get along at home and succeed at school. Whether they are completing chores, following safety instructions, completing assignments, or showing their knowledge on tests, they will need to be able to follow directions. Though telling your child to do something may seem simple, a child listening and engaging in several steps in an instruction necessitates several brain functions and motivational factors. Children can vary considerably in their ability to carry out instructions with accuracy. 

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you can be deliberate in offering instructions to help your child follow directions. Understanding multiple-step directions engages their short-term and complex working memory, an executive function that requires practice and development over time. In the case of short-term memory, you might ask your child, “Would you grab the butter, eggs, and milk out of the refrigerator, please?” They must remember those three items as they move to the kitchen. In an academic setting, as another example, a teacher may say, “At the end of our class, I’ll give you time to take out your pencils, read the directions at the top of the page, and fill in only questions 3. and 5.” Students have to retain that information as the teacher moves on to other topics and also plan for what they will need to do when they come to the time when they have to implement the teacher’s instructions. This expectation utilizes complex working memory and can be challenging for students.^1^

Following directions can involve all five core social and emotional competencies[1] . Children may need to be aware of their strengths and limitations (self-awareness) to complete the tasks given. They must use their self-management skills to wait and focus on what’s been instructed when necessary. They may require social awareness or empathy as they work to understand the needs, feelings, and thoughts of the one giving them directions. They will use their relationship skills by listening actively to what’s required. They will also use their responsible decision-making skills to decide whether and how to follow through with a request or instruction.

Some parents and those in a parenting role may feel frustrated and even angry when their children do not follow their directions as they requested. A parent may perceive a child not following their directions as defiant or disrespectful, but there may be another reason for the behavior. There are several factors to consider when a child does not follow a direction. When faced with this situation, a parent may ask themselves:

-       Does the child have the full capacity and skills to follow the directions? 

-       Does the child have any barriers to completing the tasks, including motivation or environmental issues (for example, a sibling distracting them)?

-       Have you communicated how a child can best understand, listen, retain, and act successfully?

Building a trusting relationship can provide the foundational safety and motivation for your child to follow directions. Using teachable moments that grow your child’s skills can be transformational in preparing your child to follow directions at home and school. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters. 

Why follow directions?

When your five-year-old can’t seem to remember to brush their teeth before bedtime without multiple reminders, or your seven-year-old seems to forget what you’ve asked them to do the moment they leave your sight, or your ten-year-old is refusing to go to bed, these situations are opportunities to support your child in following directions. 

Today, in the short term, preparing your child to follow directions can create

●      a sense of confidence that you can help your child retain calm and focus

●      a greater understanding of the connection between your child’s feelings and their behaviors 

●      competence in managing and executing multiple requests

●      trust each other that you are helping them learn and act in ways that will help them succeed at home and school

Tomorrow, in the long term, following directions will help your child

●      build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision-making 

●      learn independence and self-sufficiency

Five Steps for Following Directions

This five-step process helps you understand your child's motivation for following directions and build the skills necessary for this. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about it)[2] .

Tip: These steps are best when you and your child are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[3]  and a healthy parenting relationship[4]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

Three essential factors can influence a child’s ability to follow through fully on your directions. First, they must feel they have the skills and ability to perform the task they are asked to perform. Some will be willing to try a new task without much practice, but others may feel they require competence before performing a task. Next, they must be able to retain the request (working memory), especially if there are multiple steps or asks in the request. Finally, they will also require motivation to follow through on the given tasks. The conditions for motivation come from a safe, trusting relationship but can also be influenced by feelings.

You can ask questions to gauge whether these conditions have been met so your child is ready to follow directions.

Actions

You might ask your child:

●      Have you done this task before? If not, do you need to practice together or other support while trying it out?

●      If they have done it before, what was your experience last time you did this task? How did you feel about it?

●      Can you recall the three steps I asked you to take? 

●      How do you feel about doing this task? 

Five to ten-year-olds are still learning to understand their own feelings, other people’s feelings, and how their actions affect others. So they may not be able to answer how they feel. This feelings chart can help.[5]  They will need your support to figure this out. When both you and your child are calm, reflect on your child’s feelings so you can be prepared to help. Ask yourself:

●      “Does my child have an unmet need?” They might need someone to listen or give them attention, some alone time, or some help so they can be successful at something they are trying to do. 

●      You can ask them about how they are feeling.

○      “I noticed your eyes widened when I asked you to finish your homework. Are you worried you won’t understand your homework?” 

○      “I asked you to grab three things from the closet, and you looked confused. Do you know which items I meant?”

●      Use your best listening skills! Listen closely to your child's concerns without projecting your thoughts, concerns, and feelings. It helps to use a paraphrasing technique to ensure you fully understand what your child is communicating. Sometimes, we can identify the feelings behind their words, including a fear of failure.

○      Paraphrasing is repeating to the person a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. It may seem awkward initially, but this step is an important way to check your understanding while teaching children how to listen for comprehension. It might go something like this: 

■      Child: “When you asked me to clean my room, I was about to play outside.” 

■      Parent modeling paraphrasing: “So, when I asked you, you already had a plan to go play.” 

■      If you hear a subtext of feeling, as in this example, you can reflect the feeling implied. Also, you can seek further clarification if it’s needed. Parent reflecting feeling: “I can see how that might feel frustrating when you had your plan.”

●      Explore the mind-body connection. In calmer moments with your child, ask, “How does your body feel now?”See how descriptively they can list their physical signs of well-being. Now, ask, “How does your body feel when you are frustrated?” Every person's physical experience will be different. Find out how your child feels and make the connection between those symptoms and the usual feelings they are having.      

If Your Child Has Not Followed Your Directions…

If your child has already shown that they are unable or unwilling to follow your directions, you could feel frustrated or even angry. So, step back before you move forward with these questions. Before you can get input from your child to understand (and help them understand) what they are feeling, you both need to be calm. Your child will not learn from the situation if you or they are upset.

●      Ask yourself if your child is hungry or tired. You could offer a snack or offer to have your child take some time to rest.

●      Think about how you are feeling. If you are angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, take a “parenting time out” and take several deep breaths (it really does help) or sit quietly for a few minutes. 

●      If your child's basic needs, such as hunger or tiredness, are not an issue, take additional steps to help them calm down[6] . This might involve offering a hug or helping them take deep breaths.

Trap: Avoid letting questions turn into an accusation. Remember to stay calm and that the goal of the question is to help the child uncover feelings.Step 2. Teach New Skills

The fundamental purpose of following directions is to grow new skills and the ability to persevere when requests are made that align with your child’s success. Learning new skills requires modeling, practice, support, and recognition.

Learning about your child’s developmental milestones[7]  can help you have reasonable expectations for your child.^2^

●      Five-year-olds are working on understanding rules and routines. Consistency helps them feel a sense of stability. With a little support, they can follow multi-step instructions and complete self-care routines, like brushing their teeth or getting dressed.

●      Six-year-olds may be more apt to question your rules. They thrive on encouragement, can follow multi-step instructions with less support, and are eager to help and please at school.

●      Seven-year-olds crave structure and may resist changes to the schedule. They may be moody and require reassurance from adults. 

●      Eight-year-olds are more resilient when they make mistakes. The approval of their peers and teachers is very important.

●      Nine-year-olds can become easily frustrated. They need directions that contain one instruction. They may worry about peer approval and their appearance and interests.

●      Ten-year-olds are developing a strong sense of right and wrong and fairness. They tend to be able to work through conflicts with friends more rapidly. Motivation, focus, and feelings may be more of a factor in following through with directions.

Teaching is different from just telling. It builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. It is also an opportunity to reflect on meaningful, logical consequences[8]  if expectations are unmet.

Actions

●      Teach your child the skills required to follow your directions. Did you ask him to pull weeds in the garden? Demonstrate first (watching you enact the skill increases a child’s ability to perform the action!).

●      If there are written directions, read them together and take the steps together to follow them through. Or, if you are asking your child to perform a task for the first time, do it together to ensure they feel competent on their own the next time you ask. 

●      Model active listening while interacting with your child. Modeling listening skills can be one of the greatest teaching tools.

●      If you are trying to establish a routine, consider using a picture list or another visual reminder. Engage your child in the creation of the routine chart. Get their input on the order in which they would like to do tasks. You can make the routine chart into an arts and crafts activity to further engage your child’s ownership. Then, when practicing a new routine, you can empower your child by asking, “What is next in our nighttime routine?” instead of instructing them what is next. Try out active listening together. Ask your child to tell you one thing that was funny at school. Listen carefully without distraction to fully understand what your child is saying, and wait until they are finished talking before responding. A response could be a simple “I get it.” or “I hear you.” Make eye contact and practice placing your entire focus on the speaker. Now switch and have your child ask about one funny thing at work and listen to you.

●      Set a goal for yourself. Pick a time of day when you know that you and your child will be talking. Then, notice your body language. Ask yourself: “What is my body communicating, and how am I demonstrating that I’m listening?”

●      Listen for thought and feeling. In addition to listening to what your child says, see if you can identify the unspoken thought and feeling behind the content, in other words, the context.

●      Paraphrase. Try out the skill of paraphrasing by repeating to the speaker a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. You might start by saying, “I heard you say that…” Model it, and then have your child try it.

●      Seek clarification. Mainly, if you are listening to learn something from the speaker, it is important to seek clarification on details to ensure you understand. Model seeking clarification by asking questions like, “What did you mean when you said you weren’t happy this morning? What happened?” After you model this, allow your child to try it out.

●      Demonstrate poor listening and good listening. You can make it a fun acting skit showing what poor listening and good listening look like. Start by having one person act out what poor listening skills look like. Exaggerate and make it funny! Then, reflect and ask questions like: “What did you notice about their body language?”Next, another person should model good listening skills. Then, reflect and ask questions like: “What did they do? How did their body change?”

●      Work on your family's feelings vocabulary. Children ages five to ten are still learning about feelings—notice and name feelings when a family member shows an expression to offer plenty of practice. Ask, don’t tell. “Dad, you look sad. Is that right?” Being able to identify feelings is the first step in successfully managing emotions.

●      Model assertive communication through “I-messages.” Here’s an example: “I feel (insert feeling word) when you (name the words or actions that upset you) because (state the impact).” Here’s another example: “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to your brother. It hurts his feelings.” This helps you take responsibility for your feelings while avoiding blaming language like “You did…” (which closes down the mind and ears of the other). It helps communicate the problem constructively.

Tip: Children need their parents’ attention to thrive. Try to build a sacred time into your routine when you are fully present to listen to what your child tells you. Turn your phone off. Set a timer if you need to. You’ll be modeling a vital skill while building your trusting relationship.

Tip: When reflecting on your child’s feelings, you can think about unpacking a suitcase. Frequently, layers of feelings need to be examined and understood, not just one. Anger might just be the top layer. After discovering why your child was angry, you might ask about other layers. Was there hurt or a sense of rejection involved? Perhaps your child feels embarrassed? Entirely unpacking the suitcase of feelings will help your child feel better understood by you as they become more self-aware.Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Practice can be pretend play, cooperatively completing the task together, or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. Practice is necessary for children to internalize new skills. Practice makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your child performs a new action.

Actions

●      Communicate directions in ways that can be well-heard and understood. Get physically on your child’s level. Make eye contact. Use the action verb first in a direct, simple sentence. “Put your plate in the dishwasher.” Use visuals like motions, hand signals, drawings, or written lists.

●      Work up to multi-step...