Proverbs 18:19 - "A brother offended is harder to win than a strong city, And contentions are like the bars of a castle."

This proverb describes how our words and actions create a very difficult situation, full of pain and suffering for both parties. It speaks of the difficulty in repairing broken relationships. How many of us have lost a relationship with friends or family members because of something they did or something we have done? Many times we break the relationship and there is nothing we can do to resolve it. We need forgiveness.

Today, we will continue our one another series. Last month we learned about our need to bear with one another, and we saw how important it is for us to be patient and endure with the pain of being around one another. To "bear with" is to patiently tolerate and endure someone's flaws, weaknesses, or annoying habits without complaining or retaliating. It's about accepting them as they are, even when they're difficult.

But today’s focus goes deeper. If bearing with one another is one level, forgiveness is ten levels higher. Forgiveness can be one of the hardest things we will ever do, but it is absolutely required for all followers of Christ. Plus it is the one act of love that has the largest impact in improving our own lives and the lives of those around us. So, we are going to look at the command, the reason behind it, and our struggle so that we can hopefully practice this command well.

To begin our study, we are going to look at a text in Ephesians and find clarity on God’s command to forgive.

Ephesians 4:32 (ESV) — 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

This command is surrounded by important qualifiers. We might wonder, “What do we mean by forgive?” Perhaps we want to call forgiveness, bearing with someone. We want to claim we have forgiven when all we did is hold ourselves back from destroying the person who offended us. But notice the words around this command. First he says, “Be kind to one another.” Kindness implies thoughtfulness and loving care. If we see an opportunity to help one another, we are supposed to go out of our way to provide that help.

Second, he says, “Tenderhearted.” Tenderheartedness is a quality of care and sweetness toward others. If someone has a need we aren’t acting inconvenienced, begrudging, or upset about helping them. We don’t do it in a harsh or reckless way. We are tender and gentle in our thoughts, desires, and attitudes towards them. These two ideas, kindness and tenderheartedness, are explained as forgiving others. We don’t wish any evil to fall on those who trespass against us. We have a heart full of affection and well wishes towards those who hurt us.

This is a command to give forgiveness to those who don’t deserve it. Look at the last part of the verse, “As God in Christ forgave you.” How did God forgive you? Was He upset about it? Did He do it angrily and bitterly? Was He reluctant or wishing He didn’t have to? Consider how God forgave you. We just studied Romans 5 where Paul pointed out that God offered what was needed to forgive us while we were still enemies. Hopefully, we know that God didn’t forgive with any form of harshness. He was created the opportunity to forgive us because He hates to destroy the wicked. He would much rather the wicked turn from their wickedness and be forgiven.

But our forgiveness may not be so tender and kind. We may be very reluctant and harsh, if we forgive at all. When someone lies to us, betrays us, or hurts us, anger prevents us from forgiving those sinners. Our anger and wrath may control us, if we let them. Bitterness might well up inside of us and prevent us from being kind or gracious toward those who sin against us.

Paul knew that anger, bitterness, clamor, slander, malice, and wrath would be a struggle we would have to deal with. But notice four truths he tells us about these decisions.

These four truths help us understand what is really going on when someone sins against us. We have emotions raging inside of us and a tendency to sin in response. But that sin pleases Satan while grieving the Holy Spirit who has given us spiritual life. We are effectively destroying the work that God sent His son to die for and we must repent.

Kind and tender forgiving attitudes should be at the heart of all Christians, but we struggle with that. As we have seen, anger, bitterness, malice, and wrath are close at hand when someone sins against us. So, we need some help and some motivation to let go of our anger and freely forgive those who do not deserve it, like God has forgiven us.

Ephesians 5:1–2 (ESV) — 1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. 2 And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

The first bit of motivation comes from the phrase, “Be imitators of God, as beloved children.” Do you recognize how kind and gracious God is? I think a lot of people get this wrong in the religious world. They like a preacher who preaches hellfire and brimstone! But that is not an accurate portrayal of God. He can and will inflict judgment against the wicked. He does have a place of torment for the wicked. But He is not a hateful and unloving God. He is simultaneously love and an all consuming fire. Listen to His description of Himself.

Exodus 34:5–7 (ESV) — 5 The Lord descended in the cloud and stood with him there, and proclaimed the name of the Lord. 6 The Lord passed before him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, 7 keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation.”

God will by no means clear the guilty, but notice how that is a small part of His description. The repetition of His goodness is supposed to be our example. Forgiveness is at the heart of who God is. He loves and He forgives. Imitate Him. Remember, it is godlike to forgive.

The second bit of motivation for us to forgive is found in the phrase, “Walk in love.” Do you know that forgiveness is demonstrating love? Love is the most important thing we can do. It is in the greatest of all commandments, “Love God and love your neighbor.” When we forgive others, we are giving them love and fulfilling our role in the kingdom. This is the fruit God was hoping to see in us when He saved us. We need that perspective.

Finally, in this text we see that forgiving others is the ultimate sacrifice. Sacrifices hurt to give. Jesus sacrificed himself on a cross. He didn’t lash out in anger. He didn’t have bitterness and malice in His heart on the cross. He was handing out forgiveness. Do you know that it costs a lot for someone to forgive you? They lose something when they have to forgive you. They suffer. Christ was suffering as He asked God to set us all free. Suffering injustice, loss, grief, shame, humiliation, physical pain, and emotional anguish. Forgiveness costs. It means letting go of our right to revenge, our desire for the other person to "pay" for what they did, or even the expectation of an apology or a changed behavior from them. It's important to remember that forgiveness is not forgetting, nor is it excusing the wrong. It's choosing to release the bitterness and resentment that binds us to the offense, and entrusting justice to God. Let’s not be ignorant of that. But what better way is there to show your love for God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit, than to love the unlovable and forgive those who don’t deserve forgiveness.

There is one more motivating factor that I will close with, and I believe it is obvious. When we choose to forgive others, we have the joy of reconciliation instead of the pain of bitterness. Holding on to our anger and venting our wrath might sound appetizing, but it will only bring more pain and suffering. When we forgive, we gain a brother. I will remind you of the prodigal son. Remember the father embracing his son, having forgiven him of all his wrongs and being overjoyed at the prospect of having a relationship with him again. The brother refused to forgive. Don’t be like him. Have the joy of the father. You have a short amount of time in this life, make the most of it.

I would also encourage you to look carefully at Matthew 18 for a process of forgiving a brother who is continually sinning against you. Further steps are needed to bring that brother to repentance for their own spiritual good. This passage outlines a path for confronting a brother or sister who has wronged you, seeking their repentance. While our personal act of forgiveness (releasing resentment) is unconditional, the restoration of the relationship often depends on the offender's acknowledgment of their sin and their willingness to change. Forgiveness is for our spiritual freedom; reconciliation is for relational healing, which sometimes requires the other person's participation.

If you are here and in need of forgiveness, God is not reluctant. He is not wishing He didn’t have to forgive you. He is on the edge of His seat, hoping that you will accept His invitation.