The Teshuva –return process can help us restore our relationship with God. The day of יום כיפור –Yom Kippur, references the concept of כפרה –kaparah, often translated as atonement. It refers to the process of erasing an error as if it never happened. When we engage in Teshuva, we aim to be granted the divine gift of kaparah, which allows us to move forward with a clean slate and a fresh start. However, the Rambam based on the Talmud articulates clearly that for errors committed against our fellow man, we have no hope of receiving kaparah/atonement from God until we have first received מחילה –mekhilah/forgiveness from our fellow.

אֵין הַתְּשׁוּבָה וְלֹא יוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים מְכַפְּרִין אֵלָא עֲבֵרוֹת שֶׁבֵּין אָדָם לַמָּקוֹם, כְּגוֹן מִי שֶׁאָכַל דָּבָר אָסוּר אוֹ בָּעַל בְּעִילָה אֲסוּרָה וְכַיּוֹצֶא בָּהֶן. אֲבָל עֲבֵרוֹת שֶׁבֵּין אָדָם לַחֲבֵרוֹ, כְּגוֹן חוֹבֵל חֲבֵרוֹ אוֹ הַמְּקַלֵּל אֶת חֲבֵרוֹ אוֹ גּוֹזְלוֹ וְכַיּוֹצֶא בָּהֶן--אֵינוּ נִמְחָל לוֹ לְעוֹלָם, עַד שֶׁיִּתֵּן לַחֲבֵרוֹ מַה שְׁהוּא חַיָּב לוֹ, וִירַצֵּהוּ. אַף עַל פִּי שֶׁהִחְזִיר לוֹ מָמוֹן שְׁהוּא חַיָּב לוֹ, צָרִיךְ לְרַצּוֹתוֹ וְלִשְׁאֹל מִמֶּנּוּ שֶׁיִּמְחֹל לוֹ; וְאַפִלּוּ לֹא הִקְנִיט אֶת חֲבֵרוֹ אֵלָא בִּדְבָרִים, צָרִיךְ לְפַיְּסוֹ וְלִפְגֹּעַ בּוֹ עַד שֶׁיִּמְחֹל לוֹ.

משנה תורה להרמב"ם - ספר המדע - הלכות תשובה - פרק ב:ט

Teshuvah and Yom Kippur only atone for sins between man and God; for example, a person who ate a forbidden food or engaged in forbidden sexual relations, and the like. However, sins between man and man; for example, someone who injures a colleague, curses a colleague, steals from him, or the like will never be forgiven until he gives his colleague what he owes him and appeases him. [It must be emphasized that] even if a person restores the money that he owes [the person he wronged], he must appease him and ask him to forgive him.Even if a person only upset a colleague by saying [certain] things, he must appease him and approach him [repeatedly] until he forgives him.

-Rambam, Laws of Teshuva 2-9

The Rambam not only formulates an obligation to request forgiveness, but also an obligation to grant forgiveness to others.

לְפִי שֶׁאָסוּר לָאָדָם שֶׁיִּהְיֶה אַכְזָרִי וְלֹא יִתְפַּיַּס, אֵלָא יִהְיֶה נוֹחַ לְרַצּוֹת וְקָשֶׁה לִכְעֹס, וּבְשָׁעָה שֶׁמְּבַקֵּשׁ מִמֶּנּוּ הַחוֹטֶא לִמְחֹל, מוֹחֵל בְּלֵבָב שָׁלֵם וּבְנֶפֶשׁ חֲפֵצָה; וְאַפִלּוּ הֵצֵר לוֹ הַרְבֵּה וְחָטָא לוֹ הַרְבֵּה, לֹא יִקֹּם וְיִטֹּר. וְזֶה הוּא דַּרְכָּם שֶׁלְּזֶרַע יִשְׂרָאֵל, וְלִבָּם הַנָּכוֹן. אֲבָל הַגּוֹיִים עַרְלֵי לֵב אֵינָן כֵּן, אֵלָא "וְעֶבְרָתוֹ שְׁמָרָה נֶצַח" (עמוס א,יא); וְכֵן הוּא אוֹמֵר עַל הַגִּבְעוֹנִים לְפִי שֶׁלֹּא מָחֲלוּ לְיִשְׂרָאֵל, "וְהַגִּבְעֹנִים לֹא מִבְּנֵי יִשְׂרָאֵל הֵמָּה" (שמואל ב כא,ב)

It is forbidden for a person to be cruel and refuse to be appeased. Rather, he should be easily pacified, but hard to anger. When the person who wronged him asks for forgiveness, he should forgive him with a complete heart and a willing spirit. Even if he aggravated and wronged him severely, he should not seek revenge or bear a grudge. This is the path of the seed of Israel and their upright spirit. In contrast, the insensitive gentiles do not act in this manner. Rather, their wrath is preserved forever. Similarly, because the Gibeonites did not forgive and refused to be appeased, [II Samuel 21:2] describes them, as follows: "The Gibeonites are not among the children of Israel.”

The Rambam elaborates on the process of letting things go, in his discussion about the prohibition against taking revenge or bearing a grudge:

הַנּוֹקֵם אֶת חֲבֵרוֹ--עוֹבֵר בְּלֹא תַעֲשֶׂה, שֶׁנֶּאֱמָר "לֹא-תִקֹּם" (ויקרא יט,יח). וְאַף עַל פִּי שְׁאֵינוּ לוֹקֶה, דֵּעָה רָעָה הִיא עַד מְאוֹד; אֵלָא רָאוּי לָאָדָם לִהְיוֹת מַעְבִיר עַל כָּל דִּבְרֵי הָעוֹלָם--שֶׁהַכֹּל אֵצֶל הַמְּבִינִים דִּבְרֵי הֶבֶל וַהֲבָאי, וְאֵינָן כְּדַאי לִנְקֹם עֲלֵיהֶם… אֵלָא יִמְחֶה הַדָּבָר מִלִּבּוֹ וְלֹא יִטְּרֶנּוּ, שֶׁכָּל זְמָן שְׁהוּא נוֹטֵר אֶת הַדָּבָר וְזוֹכְרוֹ, שֶׁמֶּא יָבוֹא לִנְקֹם. לְפִיכָּךְ הִקְפִּידָה תּוֹרָה עַל הַנְּטִירָה, עַד שֶׁיִּמְחֶה הֶעָווֹן מִלִּבּוֹ כְּלָל וְלֹא יִזְכְּרֶנּוּ; וְזוֹ הִיא הַדֵּעָה הַנְּכוֹנָה שֶׁאִפְשָׁר שֶׁיִּתְקַיַּם בָּהּ יִשּׁוּב הָאָרֶץ, וּמַשָּׂאָן וּמַתָּנָן שֶׁלִּבְנֵי אָדָם זֶה עִם זֶה

A person who takes revenge against a colleague transgresses a Torah prohibition, as [Leviticus 19:18] states: "Do not take revenge.” Even though [revenge] is not punished by lashes, it is a very bad trait. Instead, a person should [train himself] to rise above his feelings about all worldly things, for men of understanding consider all these things as vanity and emptiness which are not worth seeking revenge for…Instead [of doing so], he should wipe the matter from his heart and never bring it to mind. As long as he brings the matter to mind and remembers it, there is the possibility that he will seek revenge. Therefore, the Torah condemned holding a grudge, [requiring] one to wipe the wrong from his heart entirely, without remembering it at all. This is a proper quality which permits a stable environment, trade, and commerce to be established among people –Rambam Laws of Character 7:9

Small things can always be magnified. Look at the day’s trending headlines and you will find that someone said something that when interpreted in the most negative way possible, has set off a storm of responses and counter responses. People and positions vilified, apologies offered and not accepted, goodwill soured and opportunities for collaboration and connection frayed. Our Torah culture has different aspirations.

Yosef’s brothers sold him down to Egypt. They were jealous of him and resented his dreams. After Yosef became the ruler of Egypt, he reconciled with them and invited them to accompany their father and join him in Egypt. Year later when their father died, all the brothers buried him in Israel. After returning to Egypt, there is a strange exchange between the brothers and Yosef.

בראשית נ:טו–כא

טו) וַיִּרְא֤וּ אֲחֵֽי־יוֹסֵף֙ כִּי־מֵ֣ת אֲבִיהֶ֔ם וַיֹּ֣אמְר֔וּ ל֥וּ יִשְׂטְמֵ֖נוּ יוֹסֵ֑ף וְהָשֵׁ֤ב יָשִׁיב֙ לָ֔נוּ אֵ֚ת כָּל־הָ֣רָעָ֔ה אֲשֶׁ֥ר גָּמַ֖לְנוּ אֹתֽוֹ: (טז) וַיְצַוּ֕וּ אֶל־יוֹסֵ֖ף לֵאמֹ֑ר אָבִ֣יךָ צִוָּ֔ה לִפְנֵ֥י מוֹת֖וֹ לֵאמֹֽר: (יז) כֹּה־תֹֽאמְר֣וּ לְיוֹסֵ֗ף אָ֣נָּ֡א שָׂ֣א נָ֠א פֶּ֣שַׁע אַחֶ֤יךָ וְחַטָּאתָם֙ כִּֽי־רָעָ֣ה גְמָל֔וּךָ וְעַתָּה֙ שָׂ֣א נָ֔א לְפֶ֥שַׁע עַבְדֵ֖י אֱלֹהֵ֣י אָבִ֑יךָ וַיֵּ֥בְךְּ יוֹסֵ֖ף בְּדַבְּרָ֥ם אֵלָֽיו: (יח) וַיֵּֽלְכוּ֙ גַּם־אֶחָ֔יו וַיִּפְּל֖וּ לְפָנָ֑יו וַיֹּ֣אמְר֔וּ הִנֶּ֥נּוּ לְךָ֖ לַֽעֲבָדִֽים: (יט) וַיֹּ֧אמֶר אֲלֵהֶ֛ם יוֹסֵ֖ף אַל־תִּירָ֑אוּ כִּ֛י הֲתַ֥חַת אֱלֹהִ֖ים אָֽנִי: (כ) וְאַתֶּ֕ם חֲשַׁבְתֶּ֥ם עָלַ֖י רָעָ֑ה אֱלֹהִים֙ חֲשָׁבָ֣הּ לְטֹבָ֔ה לְמַ֗עַן עֲשׂ֛ה כַּיּ֥וֹם הַזֶּ֖ה לְהַֽחֲיֹ֥ת עַם־רָֽב: (כא) וְעַתָּה֙ אַל־תִּירָ֔אוּ אָֽנֹכִ֛י אֲכַלְכֵּ֥ל אֶתְכֶ֖ם וְאֶת־טַפְּכֶ֑ם וַיְנַחֵ֣ם אוֹתָ֔ם וַיְדַבֵּ֖ר עַל־לִבָּֽם:

What was it that the brothers saw which prompted them to approach Yosef and plead for forgiveness? What is Yosef’s response, “am I in the place of God”? Rashi provides some insight:

רש’’י – ויראו אחי יוסף כי מת אביהם: מהו ויראו, הכירו במיתתו אצל יוסף, שהיו רגילים לסעוד עמו על שולחנו של יוסף והיה מקרבן בשביל כבוד אביו, ומשמת יעקב לא קרבן:

Now Joseph’s brothers saw that their father had died: What does it mean that they saw? They recognized his (Jacob’s) death in Joseph, for they were accustomed to dine at Joseph’s table, and he was friendly toward them out of respect for his father, but as soon as Jacob died, he was no longer friendly toward them. [From Targum Jonathan ben Uzziel; Tanchuma Buber, Shemoth 2]

After Yaakov died, Yosef stopped inviting his brothers over for lunch. He was cordial to his brothers out of respect for his father. But once his father died, he wasn’t interested in dining with them any more. This is not to say that he didn’t care about them or their shared mission. He was fully committed to supporting his brothers and their families, and together building the foundation of the Jewish people. But that doesn’t mean he wanted to spend his weekends with them.

Yosef responded to them, “am I in the place of God?” The Rav explains Yosef’s response. Can I change the past? No, only God can grant כפרה –kaparah/atonement, to erase an error completely. Humans can grant each other מחילה –mekhilah/forgiveness, allowing us to move on and work together. But that doesn’t change the past, only the future.

This illustrates a noteworthy distinction when it comes to cooperating with our fellow. We don’t have to like everyone. There can be reasons why we don’t get along perfectly with certain people. Most of these reasons probably fall into the category of דברי הבל –divrei hevel, fleeting and temporary matters that can be overlooked. But we don’t have to let those personal issues disrupt our shared objectives. We can grant one another מחילה –mekhilah, a basic level of forgiveness, that allows us to move forward and work together when necessary.

The phenomenon of כפרה –kaparah/atonement, refers to erasing a mistake or error as if it never happened. This is not generally possible in the realm of man. Time only moves in one direction and we cannot change the past. We can however work together, request and grant each other forgiveness, and with this the opportunity to move forward to set a foundation for a better future.