Stress is usually not much of a problem for children. At times, a little stress is good for them and keeps them sharp. Young people can normally think things through and figure them out for themselves. They can usually handle their feelings whether they are feeling good or not. They can do what they need to do. They have some stress but handle it fine.

Children can have more stress than they can handle. Foster children almost always have too much stress. When they do, you see signs their stress is getting to them. Here are some typical signs.

1. They are restless and have trouble calming down.

Children can be restless and unable to calm down when they are just full of energy. They are only being very active. It is really hard to sit still, stand still, or be still. Their problem is not stress, it is having to be calm and quiet.

School and the dinner table are good examples. The only stress is adults who expect them to quit fooling around. The children are just being children. The adults are the ones with the stress.

This is the real problem. When restlessness and trouble calming down are because of stress, it does not feel good. The young person is having thoughts and feelings that are keeping him upset. He is confused and feels afraid, angry, and frustrated at the same time. He cannot manage these thoughts and feelings very well and is up-tight and uneasy.

If you see this sign in your foster child, here is what to do. Think about whether the child has a problem or you have a problem coping with his energy and normal behavior. If the problem is yours, tell him about your problem. "I want to talk with you about slowing down and settling down a little, especially at dinner and when we are having quiet time in the evening. You are too rambunctious; and I find it hard to handle."

If you think the child is restless and having trouble calming down because of stress, first give him a little more space. Be a little more patient and tolerant. Say, "I can tell you have a lot on your mind. I will give you as much time and space as you need to work it out. If you want to talk, I'm here for you."

If he does not get more relaxed in a few days, get a little more insistent. Say, "Whatever you are struggling with seems like a big problem for you. I cannot tell whether you are winning or the stress is winning. It's time to talk. Let me help. I know the two of us can handle any problem better than either of us by ourselves. Can we talk?"

If he refuses to talk, keep trying. Not right then but from time-to-time and at least once a day. Don't get frustrated and up-tight just because he will not talk to you. Helping a youngster with stress can be stressful. Be a good example of how to manage stress.

2. They have trouble concentrating and paying attention.

This sign of stress is a lot like restlessness and trouble calming down; but it is more of a problem for the youngster. Some children (about 1 in 30) have a condition called Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder or ADHD. These young people have abnormal problems concentrating and paying attention. Although this probably is not your foster child's problem, make it your first idea. Why? If the child has ADHD, he can do nothing about it by himself. Only a physician or psychologist can diagnose it for sure. It then needs managed medically, behaviorally, and through special teaching and learning techniques. The child cannot handle ADHD without help.

At home and school, problems concentrating and paying attention often are read wrong by adults. They read them as daydreaming and not paying attention. A parent or teacher might say, "She spends all her time daydreaming, not paying attention, fooling around, and wasting time." When misread this way, a stress problem can get overlooked. If this happens,