Hi Stef,
I called in ~6 months ago. I was not doing very well, with me losing my first employment and the "business" I was a part of not doing very well. You gave some direction about sticking with my at-the-time mentor to establish a new career, but I can say that when I called you was definitely not only a bad time, but also quite ineffective, given the stress and dissociation I had to maintain daily. I was focused entirely on the "how" in our previous conversation and was not seeking answers to pressing questions. The result was a likely frustrating and forgettable experience as I brought my anxieties into your life. I seek to remedy that but also to have a genuine, honest conversation, which is still very rare for me. I have some questions that time away from the death-spiral of my inner parents has illuminated and I'm seeking your valuable input.
Things have changed since July, with the ultimate step (ironically) being to do less. I ditched the gurus and mentors, and pulled back from all of the relationships I had. There was no one I was close to, and all of my social circles were built on lies I made for approval. Upon telling them of my deception, I was invariably removed from them, as expected. I now work happily and have more time for philosophy, and, hopefully soon, joy and progress towards joy.
The core principle behind my need to lie to these groups to gain acceptance was acceptance. This never worked. Nobody valued me anywhere, especially not my parents.
My parents taught me little. They bought us things, but never examined what we wanted with any level of curiosity. A core theme I've tried to square personally from your work is that children want to be comforted and loved by their parents, but I can't recall a time when I distinctly wanted anything to do with them. Despite my clear memories of events, I can't remember a time in my life fondly or with joy at all. Not a time I'd return to, or a moment with my family I wish I could go back to. The same feeling exists when I think of the company of others, whether it's friends or family. Frankly, I hate them (everyone), and I hate my "experience" of living up to now. You mentioned a distinct distance from my anger and emotion in general on our call. I didn't even feel anything up until the past few months. I find myself unable to muster up the bandwidth for even the most basic curiosity towards anyone anymore. I feel burnt out by the idea before I even do it. This has been quite the preamble, so I'll just dive into my first question:
My parents would die if I asked them to. If I de-fooed, ran off, and died of a heroin binge, they would have been tracking me the entire time and would pay for my funeral. They swear up and down that they would do anything for me and that they would weather any storm to ensure my safety and well-being. I can guarantee they would. For all intents and purposes, they "love" me, even though the relationship is built essentially on bribery, i.e. buy me stuff to placate me and keep me in the home. I've conversed with them before about history, and they even know my stance on their "parenting." They won't change, and I can't even imagine what restitution might look like, or whether restitution is even necessary. I'm at a loss, right at the finish line. How can I consolidate that "loyalty," that desire to do what's right by me, with how much ire I feel for them for not teaching me a damn thing about anything? It's a self-answering question just typing it out but I don't have the bandwidth or courage to answer it myself.
Should time allow in our conversation, I have a few more questions about women specifically. My parents didn't teach me jack shit, just left me to my own devices and said "do whatever as long as it's not drugs." I have no earthly clue how to engage someone intimately, either as a friend or romantically. It's sometimes even manifested as a direct and scathing hatred of women as a whole. Like real, bona fide hatred Stef. I'm 28, and everyone woman I have tried to get with has called me a funny friend and wants nothing to do with me. I'm dead certain this has to do with my lack of real, genuine emotion over the past 3 decades but I'm stuck still. The hatred I feel is towards my mom, but even still it manifests and shifts the blame from her to women as a concept. I have no idea what I'm doing and have no examples but pick up artist content, self-help gurus, and redpill youtubers.
I'm infinitely grateful for the time you gave me last time we spoke, and I'm hoping that the intermittent time has rendered me more able to not only have a genuine conversation, but also to provide you with a provoking, deep, and meaningful one too. I hope we can talk soon, and thanks again for all you do, Stef!
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