In this issue:

Sometimes friends pile a lot of shoulds on each other. Have you caught yourself telling someone what they ought to do, rather than listening? Are you tired of being the one that others heap their shoulds on? Learn tips for how to learn to be a friend rather than a fixer, and how to reply when someone tries to fix you. Also discover a small group resource that you and your friends might want to consider.

 

 

Podcast

Inspired Life: Burdened by Should

Have you ever noticed that when someone starts to tell you about something that happened to them, you start to think of responses and solutions?

Many times, those start with should.

I have caught myself doing this so often. I say things such as:

* You should try….

* You should tell him…

* You should be happy that…

Sometimes we have a genuine solution, but that isn’t what the friend is looking for right then. They just want a listening ear.

I was working on a writing project recently when I noticed that should is two letters away from the word shoulder. When we tell someone what we think they should do, we ask them to shoulder a burden. It might be that we pile guilt on. Or we pile on responsibility, when someone is already feeling a heavy load.

What can we do when we want to tell someone what they should do? I’m not saying you SHOULD do this, but here are five tips:

1) Instead of telling them what they should do, ask a question.

What solutions have you tried?

What do you think your next step will be?

How do you feel about that?

Do you see a possible resolution?

2)  Clarify and reflect what you heard them say.

So what I hear you saying is that you’re frustrated because…

I think I understand that you’re saying…

3) Stop the story in your head that starts to think of a one-up story. “You think that’s bad…let me tell you about MY situation.”

This includes not giving advice that says, “When that happened to me I….You should try that too.”

4) Avoid the cousin to should – shouldn’t.

“You shouldn’t have done that.”

5) Ask for permission before sharing advice.

“Would you like my input with advice, or do you prefer a listening ear?”

Our Goal Is Listening

Sometimes we like to fix other people. We want to provide perfect, happy solutions that make their life better. But instead, we pile on guilt or a feeling of inadequacy. Instead, we can practice listening to others.

I have caught myself offering “should” several times this week. It might not always look the same, but here are some words that imply the same thing:

* Here’s what I would do…

* Why haven’t you….?

* Just tell them…

Instead of telling a friend “you should pray about this,” ask if they would like you to pray with them right there. “May I pray with you about this right now?”

With a little practice, we can learn how to be a wonderful listening friend.

 

Life, Repurposed: When Others Heap on Shoulds 

Years ago on my blog, I used to have a What Would You Do With This Wednesday feature where I put up a vintage item and asked people what they would do with it.

Not too long ago on my Trash to Treasure Decorating Facebook page, I asked what my followers would do with an old bike tire rim. I had some fun answers and even some photos. 

I turned it into a wreath by putting flowers around the side, and I hung it above the bed. It was a simple project that I was able to do all with supplies I had around the house...