It was 2 years ago, almost to the day that would be the last time I’d see her; my friend. I didn’t know yet but our last conversation would be the turning point in our friendship. I looked at her as one of my life partners. Someone who I shared so many interests with, our kids were the same ages, our lives were similar in so many ways. She was my type of witty; one of the cleverest women I know. We shared similar tastes in food, music and art. Our friendship just flowed. It was easily one of the most natural friendships I’ve had. And this is coming from someone who has a twin sister. An already built in best friend who no one on earth can top. But this friendship was special. She was/is special and still our similarities were not enough to bring us back after a betrayal.

No need to go into details about what happened. Just know that you can not expect a you in others. One of the things I’m STILL working on. People will do things you would never do to them and you can choose to forgive and move along or you can decide to part ways. It had been some time between our last very heated conversation and my attempt to reconcile; 2 months’ time. Was that too long to come back and say out loud “I forgive you. Let’s talk about it?” Apparently so. It had been two months since we saw each other and by then her mind was made. In her words, we had grown apart and she was just not interested in being friends with me any longer.

As heartbroken as I was I acquiesced. There was no need in beating a dead horse by begging someone to be my friend. I never thought I’d experience rejection like that from a “sister” but there I was in the middle of the street, tears streaming down my face with my phone in my hand stunned by the conversation we had just had.

Although I’d always felt like I was the giver in our friendship I chalked it up to me being the older of us. I definitely treated her like I treat my biological younger sister…with great care and concern. So there I was, heartbroken, perplexed by her decision. There was no happy ending here. A lesson though, when people show you who they are believe them. Of course there had been things that happened in the past that I excused simply because I felt there was no harm intended but when I finally had the chance to think back, inconsideration and dismissiveness were a cornerstone of how I was treated. Shame on me for not bringing it up, shame on me for excusing poor treatment. At the end of the day I couldn’t expect to be treated differently than anyone else. It was only a matter of time before I’d receive the same treatment as others. So again I say…

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them”

One of the things I know for sure was that I am a good friend. It’s taken me years to learn how to be a good friend. Years to practice being reliable and unselfish in my friendships. Years to practice non-judgement, acceptance and tolerance of my friends. Cause I’m naturally easily agitated and resolute in my beliefs, I’ve really had to work on those things. Not being flaky has taken work. Things like keeping my fried dates, being on time, holding myself accountable in disagreements. More on having integrity in next week’s substack, “The Process of Becoming Sturdy,” but I digress. I have WORKED on being a great friend.

I’ve parted ways with lovers and have even been through divorce but nothing prepared me for the loss and heartbreak of loosing a friend. It’s like a death but worse, especially with social media being so prevalent. You get a front row seat to the life that you’re no longer a part of. Even if you unfollow the friend they may still come across your timeline because other people you know post them. There’s FOMO when you no longer get invited to events, or they’re the person you would call if a certain thing happened. Loosing a friend just sucks. But I learned a valuable lesson in that you never beg someone to be a part of your story. If someone decides and they have the right to decide, not to be your friend, let them. It’s not up to you to overplay your part. They know your value and they chose. The softie in me had to learn to leave people where they are. I wish them well and keep it pushing. People choose for all different kinds of reasons but that’s not my issue to bear. As long as I know I’ve been good to someone I don’t have any regrets.

Thanks for reading Raised Signal! This post is public so feel free to share it.

Sometimes heartbreak is just that…heartbreak; and the only thing you can do is sit with the feelings and move through them. If you’ve done all you can do then you’ve done enough and if it isn’t enough then it is what it is.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit melfraz.substack.com