I remember the 25 minute car ride home from the urologist’s appointment. It was the kind of December morning with no snow, but everything is so cold it has a white tint to it. We pulled into the driveway. Weeping would have been an appropriate response to such life-altering news. Similar to when Hannah wept at the temple like a blind-drunk sailor full of despair after her husband’s other wife mocked her barrenness. I was surprised by the anguish I felt that I couldn’t explain. Finally I said, “I know this isn’t cancer. But it feels like it.”

My words felt dead in the air, like they were going nowhere fast. Are there words to describe such grief? Why did saying “cancer” feel like it validated what I was feeling? Saying the word “infertility” wasn’t enough, somehow.

Here is the sermon I mention:
Resurrection Joy: The Harvest of Sorrow:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoGY8lSBFfA

I'll never be the same, not since I walked into that doctor's office and was told medical intervention was our only chance. Not since we got the call that it was a genetic defect in my husband's DNA that causes severe low sperm count... 

I thought I was going to be a mom two years into our marriage. I thought I would be done working as a content manager, thought I'd be keeping a home and taking care of babies and learning how to homeschool. I've always loved teaching and working with my hands and seeing the world through children's eyes. Being a mother was the career I chose... but what's heartbreaking is being a mother is completely out of my control. 

I thought I'd be a mother by now. Instead I'm barren. If you're struggling with childlessness, infertility, miscarriage, infant loss... all the heartbreak that comes with a broken world and fertility, my hope is that you find comfort in knowing you're not alone... and that true comfort and hope comes from the promises of God we see in Scripture. 

I wish you weren't here, but because of what you're dealing with, I'm glad you found me... I hope we can be friends and walk through this journey of suffering together on the foundation of Truth.