In this episode, David and Margaret discussed the topic of dealing with the death of a loved one — an admittedly uncomfotable topic.

Margaret had just learned about the death of a person she cared deeply about — and was feeling the loss. Margaret shared that her friend demostrated intentionality and grace during her 18-month journey after her diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.

This had them exploring different ways people cope with their own mortality, which can include acceptance, kicking-and-screaming levels of resistance, or avoidance. And the way that the dying person deals with their own mentality can impact the texture of grief for survivors.

They emphasized the importance of preparing oneself for the inevitable end of life.

They notice that grief can linger if not properly addressed, meaning if we repress or avoid it. When we don’t experience our grief, we can become afraid of it. And when we are terrified of loss, it becomes very hard to fully love.

David talked about dealing with the death of a loved one, specifically the emotional impact of the suicide of David’s sister on his father.

David shared his observation that his father was devastated by the event — but never fully grieved. He would not even mention his daughter’s name. David believes his father’s unprocessed grief contributed to his father’s later systemic cancer.

And David also shared the impact of his father’s repressed grief on him as a young adult.

Not unlike his father, David developed his own coping mechanism of complete avoidance. He maintained that avoidance for 30 years, never speaking about this sad and massive life event. Finally, he opened up about his sister’s suicide during a leadership development program.

Margaret shared her father’s experience of losing a sibling to a drunk driver, which he also never brought up or talked about. She wondered if that might have contributed to his own resistance and suffering at the end of his life.

As Margaret and David try — and fail — to recall ever seeing their own fathers cry, they discussed the societal pressure to suppress emotions, particularly for men.

Margaret shared her personal experience of how much she used to hate crying in public. That changed for her after attending the Hoffman Institute process, which led her to cry frequently and openly.

David recalled his childhood experience of being shamed for crying in school, which he believed contributed to his suppressed emotions for many years. They both agreed that the societal norms around emotional expression are changing, and there is a slowly growing acceptance of emotional vulnerability.

Margaret and David discussed the importance of grieving and acknowledging loss in their lives.

Margaret shared a passage from a book, “The Smell of Rain on Dust,” by Martín Prechtel. She was gifted the book from a good friend after her father’s death. The book emphasizes the natural and necessary process of grieving.

David and Margaret encourage anyone going through a similar experience to reach out to them for support.

The post Ep 154: Dealing with the Death of a Loved One appeared first on Fundraising Leadership .

David and Margaret discussed the significance of Stephen Covey’s saying, “With people, slow is fast and fast is slow.”

Inspired by David’s slow recover from knee surgery — including his choice of entertainment during his convalescence — our hosts talk about what “slow” might mean.

David and his wife, Lillian, are watching an older TV show (David Lynch’s Twin Peaks), and it had them notice that older shows and movies often had longer camera shots and slower pacing. That cadence feels in strong contrast to the faster-paced scenes, dialogue or setting shots of more contemporary entertainment. Our hosts reminisced about how these older works of art demonstrated patience and more focus on detail. These older works moved more slowly.

It had them wondering: what might be the benefits of taking a page from the pace of entertainment from a couple decades ago — to slow down and appreciate details?

They discussed the importance of slowing down in human relationships.

Technology, they note, may have accelerated to a point where our nervous systems can’t keep up any more. They agreed that technology makes for speedier and efficient communication. But they also note these quick communications often leads to misinterpretation and misunderstandings.

David encourages leaders to think about what might be possible if they slow down in their communications. Specifically, he believes it is possible to recapture their intuition by seeking slower, more intentional communication methods. Even picking up the phone instead of shooting off a text might help avoid misreads and improve relationships.

Margaret touched on the generational aspect of this issue. They concur that some people may be more comfortable with faster communication due to their upbringing with technology.

David and Margaret look at some areas of leadership, work and relationships that might benefit from a slow down.

The topic of tricky relationships comes up regularly in executive coaching sessions. Often, the solution and repair can only be found by more intentional and slower face-to-face communication.

Another place it might be important to slow down is in our storytelling. There is a strong relationship between patient, artful storytelling and great fundraising and leadership.

Last, slowing down is essential if we want to create intimacy and trust in relationships. Only by slowing down can we lay the foundation for better understanding and connection. Taking time to understand and connect with people will always yield better relationships than rushing.

Listeners are encouraged to find and watch an older movie or TV show (from the 1940s to early 1990s), and notice the slower pacing and longer camera shots.

The post Ep 153: With People Slow is Fast and Fast is Slow appeared first on Fundraising Leadership .

Embracing disruptive events and emotions? How in the world is one supposed to do that?

In the episode, as David prepares for an upcoming surgery, David and Margaret have a look at the seeming paradox of planned disruptive events. Examples might include a surgery or significant life changes such as having a friend or family member in hospice, retirement, or making an undesired move across the country.

What is the paradox of such events? We might have notice and can plan for these events — but we still can’t control the ways our lives will be disrupted. And we can’t control the range of emotions that come up when we contemplate known but unwelcome events.

David is anticipating a total knee replacement surgery. But even though it’s planned, it will be quite disruptive.

Such events can evoke a range of emotions, including anxiety, dread, and uncertainty. David was feeling all those emotions.

So how can one be with the anticipation of planned disruption?

They explore the wisdom of accepting these emotions rather than trying to suppress them.

They discuss what it feels like when we have more than one emotion at a time. This can feel complicated and disruptive for people.

They also discussed what happens when we surrender to the situation and accept that the event is inevitable. Sometimes, when we surrender and accept the situation, we start the process of embracing disruptive events and emotions. Then, we can turn our focus to the potential gifts or opportunities that may arise from a tough life circumstance.

Our hosts talk about one possible reason for dread around an upcoming medical procedure or surgery. That is is the concept of medical trauma. This can happen when people have had negative experiences with doctors that make them resistant to seeking medical care. David shares his concerns about the bodily trauma involved in a major surgery despite being under anesthesia.

Margaret suggests acknowledging the anxiety rather than suppressing it, and finding compassion for the body’s healing process.

David talks about using trust in the unfoldment as a tool for anxiety. He also finds it helpful to stay occupied. Margaret and David concur that not acknowledging anxiety often goes worse than acknowledging it.

They relate the surgery to other life events involving grief and loss.

David and Margaret invite listeners to ask themselves: is it better to know or not know ahead about disruptive events? Are you a person who would rather know (“I’d rather plan!”) or not know (“I’d rather be surprised!”)? And, why?

They concluded by encouraging listeners to reach out for help if they are experiencing any disruptive events in their lives.

The post Ep 152: Embracing Disruptive Events and Emotions appeared first on Fundraising Leadership .

This episode takes a look backwards in 2024 (the rearview mirror) and what’s ahead (through the windshield) for 2025.

Margaret and David aren’t fans of making resolutions. But they are all about being intentional about who you want to BE in the coming year.

Tune in to hear them discuss their personal journeys of acceptance and leadership in 2024.

Margaret reflects on accepting her complicated relationship with her late father, who passed away last October. Despite their sometimes difficult history, she is proud that she embraced acceptance towards the end. She was able to let go of judgment and expectations — and that transformed their relationship dynamic. This allowed them to find peace together before his passing.

David acknowledges Margaret’s intentionality in this process.

They consider the topic of acceptance through a leadership lens. All of us have difficult relationships. But when we keep expecting someone else to change or do something different, we are the ones who are constantly upset and disappointment.

Sometimes our work is not to expect a different outcome. Because if we are able to accept people as they are, rather than trying to change them, we can often discover surprising gifts.

David shared his experience of receiving his black belt in jujitsu last month. His journey took 9-years and around 9,000 sparring rounds.

He highlighted the importance of perseverance and grit.

“You never really know what you’re getting into until you get into it,” David reflects. He shares that the journey was filled with a lot of blood (literal blood), sweat and tears. It was frequently not fun.

Our hosts wonder: what are the leadership lessons he learned from sticking with something that isn’t always enjoyable? They explore the value of knowing when to persevere versus when to change course — and what might lead to break-downs or break-throughs.

David encourages listeners to reflect on their past year and identify and acknowledge themselves for something they are most proud of.

Margaret and David discussed their respective words for the upcoming year (2025). They choose words to help them aspire to how they want to BE in the coming year.

Margaret recounts doing a process with one of her teachers, Rachael Jayne Groover, and received the word “spaciousness.” David opted for the word “patience.”

They explored the meanings and implications of these words. Margaret saw “spaciousness” as a call to cultivate qualities that open up space, such as curiosity and self-management.

David, on the other hand, saw “patience” as a way to navigate the uncertainty of the upcoming year. David is aware that there is a gap now that he met his black belt goal, and that gap will require his patience. He draws inspiration from his father’s peaceful and patient nature.

They concluded the conversation by encouraging others to reflect on their own words for the year and share them in the comments of their upcoming LinkedIn post.

The post Ep 151: 2024 Rearview Mirror and 2025 Windshield appeared first on Fundraising Leadership .

In this episode, David and Margaret discuss the power of bringing your heart to work.

“Empathy Techniques” vs. Genuine Empathy

Our hosts heard the term “empathy techniques” recently while listening to a refresh of the Positive Intelligence programs — and felt compelled to double click on this concept.

How is an empathy technique different from genuine empathy? And why would a leader or a fundraiser chose to deploy one instead of the other?

The idea of empathy as a technique sounds alarmingly manipulative. David offered a possible example: Bill Clinton’s “I feel your pain” statement. Margaret offered another example of an empathy technique: the practice of asking questions from a pre-determined list, hoping to appear curious (rather than simply being curious).

Genuine empathy, on the other hand, is the genuine feeling of another person’s pain.

Genuine Empathy Isn’t Always Simple

Allowing ourselves to feel another’s emotions — which might include anger, joy, grief, and sadness — is a very human and humane act. It’s not always easy.

Some of us have more capacity with empathy when it comes to certain emotions. For example, for some, being around other people’s anger or grief feels very hard. Their tendency would be to step over it. They might be scared to step into someone else’s grief because they don’t know how to step back out.

For others, they resist  being empathic with other people’s joy. Brené Brown has notably talked about her terror around joy.

David expressed his appreciation for Margaret’s recent empathic listening about a difficult time in his life, involving the suicide of his sister and his father’s struggle with guilt.

Margaret differentiated between true empathy and faking it. True empathy might involve feeling and holding space for others’ emotions. Faking empathy might stem from being uncomfortable. An example might involve: someone shares about the death of a parent … and the listener offers words of condolence and then quickly changes the subject.

Wired for Connection

David and Margaret discussed the capacity of human beings to feel and connect with others’ emotions. It is biologically wired into us.

Still some people learn to put up emotional filters as a survival mechanism. One path to putting away some of these filters and access more real empathy starts as an internal journey to embrace one’s inner mess.

To access more genuine empathy and compassion, there are many tools, including:

All these tools require courage.

Empathy and Emotional Intelligence in Leadership

Finally, David and Margaret discussed the importance of empathy and genuine listening in leadership roles.

This concept has applications for fundraising. It is also important in team meetings.

David suggested the practice of “clearing” to create space for team members to share personal struggles. He found this practice led to increased productivity and a more supportive team environment.

They encourage listeners to consider: bringing one’s heart to work (along with your brain!) can be beneficial.

The post Ep 150: Bringing Your Heart to Work appeared first on Fundraising Leadership .

David and Margaret share their strategies for dealing with uncertainty and making decisions.

How DO leaders make decisions, particularly when the stakes are high?

The conversation originated from David’s process when he and his wife had to decide whether or not to evacuate as Hurricane Milton approached. As a resident of the West Coast of Florida, it was headed right towards him.

David recounted his experiences with hurricanes Irma and Ian, as he tried to extrapolate information for making a decision about the most recent hurricane, Milton. He weighed the importance of heeding warnings to evacuate and the potential consequences of not doing so.

Still he didn’t know what to do … until he did.

David’s process highlights some important elements of the decision-making process:

David shared how he ultimately made a decision about how to handle the hurricane.

Sometimes, people make decisions before they know everything they need to know. Other times, people put off making decisions.

And sometimes, NOT making a decision lives in the land of Avoider, which is a saboteur. And sometimes, not deciding actually becomes a decision.

Where, they challenge listeners, is your sweet spot in between deciding too soon — and avoiding making a decision?

They also discussed the role of intuition in decision-making. How might using our guts and hearts be useful in making decisions?

Margaret shared her experience of transitioning from a cerebral to a more intuitive approach when she was looking for a new place to live post-divorce. She responds to David’s question, “How did you KNOW?”

Many of us are taught to use pro-con lists and use only our brains to weigh out consequences and run scenarios to decide. This was true for both Margaret and David, who come from a history of making rational and analytical decisions.

And cerebral decision making has value, but David and Margaret have both learned to incorporate more intuition into making choices.

Most of us can benefit from listening to one’s gut and heart in addition to relying only on lists and pros and cons.

David also hunted for a house recently. He recounts how emotions made it a difficult process.

He and his wife struggled to find a new place because they were still emotionally attached to their house. Their process involved a lot of going back and forth between their brains and their hearts.

They encourage listeners to look at the perspective of how things often work out in unexpected ways. What might the perspective of “We’ll see” have to offer you?

And if you’d like to help your team learn how to use intuition to be better leaders, please check out our trainings.

The post Ep 149: Dealing with Uncertainty and Making Decisions appeared first on Fundraising Leadership .

Taking on challenges: what goes into whether you say yes or no?

David and Margaret discussed their experiences with taking on challenges. They talk about how to evaluate their feasibility and impact.

David shared his experiences with taking on a personal life challenge: to get his black belt in jujitsu. To stay on track, he’s added cold plunging to his recovery regimen– which is an additional challenge.

Margaret discussed her challenge of posting on LinkedIn daily for 30 days. She has been at her desk at 7 a.m. at every day with her challenge group.

They both agreed that leaders tend to default to saying yes to challenges.

But is that always the best answer? It’s essential to consider the consequences.

David and Margaret agreed that leaders often take on challenges, and those challenges can vary greatly. David cites examples of significant leadership challenges taken on by leaders such as Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King. On a smaller scale, nonprofit leaders face challenges that might include leading a nonprofit to delivering aid in a crisis to fundraising.

David emphasized the importance of leaders being comfortable with challenges.

In executive coaching, conversations about challenge are common — and can be effective. Sometimes saying yes to a challenge is what helps a client go beyond what they think is possible.

David shared a recent occasion when he challenged a client who wanted to reach out to someone. David’s challenge: pick up the phone instead of sending a note. It may seem like a big challenge or a little one, but it was an important growth space for the client to consider.

They also discussed the importance of considering the potential outcomes of a challenge before committing to it.

David may have an opportunity to serve on a non-profit board. Because his default is often yes, he is considering what to do. He hasn’t yet committed.

They also touched on the different personality traits associated with the DISC model. David noted that his high D energy often leads him to challenge himself and others. Margaret, a high I, tends to focus on big ideas and completion can be her challenge. They discussed the challenges faced by individuals with different DISC traits, such as the need for action for an S and the need for more data for an C.

What might a coach see that inspires them to challenge a client? It’s not just for the sake of stepping out of a comfort zone. The discomfort of a coaching challenge is in service of leadership growth.

Some examples of when David and Margaret (as coaches) might challenge a client:

A challenging task is essential for progress — even if it is uncomfortable or even if it doesn’t go well.

When challenging oneself, it’s crucial to not be 100% attached to the results of the challenge.

David recounted his experience of gradually increasing his time during cold plunges. He initially started with 3 minutes and is now up to 4 minutes. He believes that while the cold water is uncomfortable, it will ultimately lead to personal growth and help him with his black belt.

Margaret agreed, sharing her experience of persevering through a challenge of using LinkedIn every day.

They encourage listeners to identify: where are you playing small? Where might you be willing to take some risk?

Please contact David, Margaret or Michelle if you’d like some support around challenging yourself.

The post EP 148: Taking on Challenges appeared first on Fundraising Leadership .

What is a ‘zone of genius’?

David, Margaret, and Michelle discussed the concept of a ‘zone of genius’ in the work context. They defined it as a state where one is highly skilled and derives great joy from their work, a place of great flow. It’s a place where others would recognize us as being in the top percentile of our field.

On the other end of the spectrum, they discussed the ‘zone of incompetence.’ This is work that one is not good at and does not enjoy it.

Margaret and Michelle know, for example, that trying to do home repair or fix house projects (with tools? seriously?) would be in a zone of incompetence. For David, it’s number crunching and accounting.

This zone is a place where significant change, delegating or stepping down from the role is necessary.

In the ‘zone of competence,’ tasks are manageable. But those tasks inspire no enthusiasm and no spark.

Examples include: scheduling and calendars, email response and accounting for David, Michelle and Margaret.

In the ‘zone of excellence,’ tasks are performed with a high level of competence and skill. But these tasks may not bring the same level of joy as tasks in the ‘zone of genius.’

The team acknowledged that these zones can overlap and be slippery to navigate. And sometimes, the zone of excellence is a trap because we are so good at something that we keep doing it. But by definition, the zone of excellence means that these activities don’t bring us a lot of joy.

Burnout often lives in the zone of excellence.

Michelle, Margaret, and David concluded by sharing their respective ‘zones of genius‘. This is a place of flow and joy. It is a place where we can lose track of time in a good way.

David loves teaching. Michelle loves leading groups. Margaret is a reader of space. All three consider coaching in their zone of genius. These activities leave us feeling lit up and like we’ve had impact.

Here are some of the actionable takeaways for listeners:

Contact Margaret, David, or Michelle if you want some help sorting this out through coaching.

The post Ep 147: Work in Your Zone of Genius appeared first on Fundraising Leadership .