Greetings from the exicentre.

Well.

It appears that 2020 is conforming to the imaginative prognostications of young-adult fiction, as well as more traditional scriptural doomsdaiety.

This eschatology hogwash don't ruffle my feathers. I've lived by the skin of my wits longer than any so-called "specialist" would hold healthy. And sill I sting.

Our fragile frames have forever clung to the crag of the pre-apocalypse. Only now does our footing appear vividly unsure. Support will not materialise from on high, from God, god or government. No helicopters ex nihilo. We are to be each other's pitons. Incidentally, pitons aren't cheap.

And so, if I am to hold your hand (PURELY FIGURATIVELY), please allow me to re-introduce myself:

My age remains irrelevant. I live in Bracknell. I am the CEO, CFO and CMO of Funlimited Entertainment. I have been married four times. I have two children. Comedy is my bailiwick. I get it. I have reached for the stars and they have mostly scalded my fingertips. I am undeniably here. The world must see. And They must pay. I will rise. They will fall. All of this must mean something.

My name is Jeremy Kettle. And I declare... Make room for this pandemic. It has much to impart. For one, you will never again be forced to disguise your distrust of relatives at picnics, etc. - you must remain overtly suspicious of your family.

But, chiefly, boredom will soon govern your waking life. Entertainment companies and their offerings are the remedy.

Express your gratitude.