I like to understand the etymology of words, particularly in Arabic because it can be poetic at times. For instance, the Arabic word for human being is Insaan. From what I could find, it could have two roots, one is to forget and the other is to relate, to love or be loved. So now I'm thinking wow! to relate, and to love or be loved, that makes sense that they're similar, that's what relationships are, the ones you choose anyway. Because I'm reminded of folks who say, "you don't choose your family". Which touches again on transgenerational trauma, experiences that shape a generation, and impact another. Paul Raeburn, in his book "Do fathers matter? what science is telling us about the parent we've overlooked" describes the research conducted by the Cowans, a married couple, both psychology professors at berkley university. And they like most couples have had to deal with challenging conflict after their children were born, they also noticed the same trend in their circles of friends and family. This led them to take a look at research out there and they found studies across the world that traced the beginning of difficulties in relationships to the early years of becoming a family. This had led them to ask the question "what is wrong with us?" So the Cowans engaged a number of couples In a longitudinal study that followed couples before they became parents and until their children were 18 months of age. The study found that 20% get divorced by the time their children are of kindergarten age, with the remaining 80% having severe reservations about their marriage or heading toward divorce. Keep in mind the study was conducted between 1979 and 1990, when women were not as likely to be working outside the home as they are now. There was some good news, the children of present dads, or fathers who were fully present in supporting their partners' pregnancy had an easier transition years later when they went to kindergarden. They think that happier couples, are more nurturing which in turn results in children who enter school feeling loved and supported. Ever since we got married, I started paying attention to older couples, those who've been together for a long while, overwhelmingly the things I heard revolved around respect, communication, and placing their relationship ahead of the children. There are many programs that address parental skills, and what I like about the Cowans and the work they've done, is that they've found that, more than parenting skills, it's how couples communicate and overcome conflict that contributes to the family being healthy and happy. According to Paul Raeburn, Amina Alio, a professor of Community and public health, at the University of South Florida, along with her colleagues, found that fathers who were involved with their partners during pregnancy reduced the risk that children would die in the first year of life. The death rate of infants whose fathers were not around was nearly four times that of infants whose fathers were involved. Infants whose fathers were absent, and had no involvement in the pregnancy, were more likely to be born with lower birth weight and to be born prematurely. Anemia, high blood pressure, and more serious ailments were also more prevalent among women whose children's fathers were absent. So if you're a future dad, and you're taking time off to attend all the prenatal appointments, if you're allowing your partner to be heard about their fears, actively listening and being present, you are actively contributing to the survival of your child. Have a friend who's about to become a dad? ask them about their experience so far, let them talk. Also, letem know to check this podcast out, and to submit any questions, or comments they may have to Future Dads Club @ gmail.com
