In this episode we’re going to explore the powerful legacy left to his daughter by a loving father. We’ve explored this topic before but it is so important that we’re going to explore it again. Get ready to hear some amazing and inspirational stories about how a father changed a daughter's life and became a driving force behind her success and how you can too.

Lenora Edwards is a Tedx speaker who helps people correct negative self-talk and Self-Sabotaging Behaviors to Achieve Holistic Wellness and Personal Empowerment she is also a Speech Language Pathologist. Recently she has created a journal to help fathers connect deeper with their daughters and we will talk more about that later in this episode.

To connect with Lenora Edwards visit: https://www.dtbhorizons.com/

To get your copy of Our Adventures Together, the journal mentioned in this episode visit: https://www.dtbhorizons.com/ebooks/

Special thanks to InGenius Prep for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. To learn more about InGenius Prep or to claim your free consultation, visit: https://ingeniusprep.com/get-a-free-consultation/?utm_campaign=2024+Podcast+Email+Marketing&utm_content=Fatherhood+Podcast&utm_medium=Fatherhood+Podcast&utm_source=Fatherhood+Podcast&utm_term=Fatherhood+Podcast

Special thanks to Zencastr for sponsoring The Fatherhood Challenge. Use my special link https://zen.ai/CWHIjopqUnnp9xKhbWqscGp-61ATMClwZ1R8J5rm824WHQIJesasjKDm-vGxYtYJ to save 30% off your first month of any Zencastr paid plan.

Transcription - Girl Dad Journals

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In this episode, we're going to explore the powerful legacy left to his daughter by a loving father.

We've explored this topic before, but it's so important that we're going to explore it again.

Get ready to hear some amazing and inspirational stories about how a father changed a daughter's life

and became a driving force behind her success and how you too can have the same drive and the same

legacy experience. So don't go anywhere. Before we begin, I'd like to thank our proud sponsor of

this episode and the fatherhood challenge in Genius Prep. In Genius Prep is the world's premier

admissions consulting firm, proud to be officially recognized as the country's top college admissions

consultants, helping students prepare for admissions to top schools through individualized

educational programs that increase chances of admission by up to 10 times. In Genius Prep students

work with former admission officers to differentiate themselves from other competitive students in three

areas colleges evaluate students in academics, extra curricular activities and personal characteristics.

Just this past admission cycle, Genius Prep students have secured 110 offers from Ivy League schools,

268 offers from top 20 schools and 904 offers from top 50 schools.

Genius Prep student success lies within the fact that Genius Prep is an all-in-one consulting

firm offering every service of family needs whether it be test prep, tailored candidacy,

building mentorship, academic mentorships, the leadership, and innovation lab,

soft skills courses, writing courses and other customized programs to develop their application

persona to the most effective and authentic extent to share with colleges. Just click on the link in

the episode description to book a free strategy call with one of Genius Prep's college experts or

you can visit ingeniousprep.com that's ingeniousprep.com and let them know you came from the Fatherhood Challenge.

Welcome to the Fatherhood Challenge, a movement to awaken and inspire fathers everywhere to take great

pride in their role and a challenge society to understand how important fathers are to the stability

and culture of their families environment. Now here's your host, Jonathan Guerrero.

Greetings everyone. Thank you so much for joining me. My guest is LaNora Edwards. LaNora is a

TEDx speaker who helps people correct negative self-talk and self-sabotaging behaviors to achieve

holistic wellness and personal empowerment. She's also a speech-language pathologist. Recently,

she's created a journal to help fathers connect deeper with their daughters and we'll talk more about

that later in this episode. LaNora, thank you so much for being on the Fatherhood Challenge once again.

Thank you so much for having me, Jonathan. It is always a pleasure to spend time with you and to

especially talk about the incredible mission fathers are on and the one that you're helping build

and cultivate. I love the earlier episode that we did together. It was sometime back but it was a

powerful one that we did on helping fathers to recognize signs of developmental disorders or even

growth and that was one of those rare topics that you don't see a lot of people talking about and

you provided so much expertise on that and now you're going so much deeper than that into connection

and to helping fathers connect. I really would like to explore your own story in this journey.

I'm curious to know your earliest memories, what are your earliest memories of your dad and why

do you remember them so well? The earliest memories of my dad, he is of which I'm very happy to report

still alive and well and my dad has just been a phenomenal father figure throughout my entire life

and I always remember him being extraordinarily gentle and kind and my earliest memories, oh goodness,

I have one of those memories that I can remember, you know, getting picked up out of the crib and

just a lot of really happy memories. I remember him holding me and I, guys, I'm talking good,

probably 10 months, 11 months old but I can just capture these pictures of his face in my memory, yeah.

Why are these memories so strong? I mean, remembering all the way back to when he was picking you up out

of the crib, was it, what was it about those memories that have made them last all the way to the

state where you can remember them so clearly? I remember very vividly, it was his intention but also his

eyes. He was very, very present when he was holding me or when he was holding my sister and that kind

of energy, that kind of presence and being there in the moment, fully connected to the person

that is quite literally in your arms is so extraordinarily powerful and it goes well beyond the

surface of conversation that of, oh, be nice to your children, it's a different level of being present.

You're not thinking about all the 45 million things you are completely present in that moment

when you're holding your child. So whether you're feeding them or if they're rocking them or if he

was talking to me, that is something that goes so viscerally, two hour DNA, two hour genetic coding,

that's why they become so powerful because it's not especially at that age, when we're that little,

we don't hear words, we don't, as in we don't understand, I love you, we feel everything,

we can feel the intensity of that care and that protection and I think that's why they are that much

more vivid for me. What really stood out about what you just said was the eye contact and that takes me

back to an episode with Dr. Canfield. She came on and she has an entire ministry and entire mission

that is dedicated to the dad/daughter connection, making that deeper, giving dads the code if you will

for that connection. Yeah. And it really, I mean, there's a lot of other things in there but if you really

want to boil it down to two things, the two things that she really hammered on most of the interview

was one eye contact and two for dads to drop their anger, especially with daughters. So yeah,

if you have a toddler and she goes around the house and you walk into the house or you walk into a room

and the whole wall is full of crayon markings and she's paying it and drawing all over the walls and

the room is completely a wreck and the first thing you want to do is rage because you've been busy

all week, you're tired and all you see is a lot of work, a lot more work that shouldn't have happened

and you just want to rage. And those are the moments she's talking about. Because that's really powerful,

yeah. That can have a lasting impact, not just in the memory of remembering the event but

our biased store memory of events in various ways and you can do a lot of damage.

And so if you have to walk away, do whatever it is, get away but do not drop, just drop that anger

on the spot, deal with it some other way and some way that has nothing to do with your daughter.

One of the specialties that I have is a very deep understanding of memory and what happens

in that moment. So for example, let's say somebody was wanting to lose their temper and that

child is present. What happens to that child is it's a moment that can often become a moment of

overwhelm to that child and how it imprints on that child is very specific to that individual. So

for example, how you experienced overwhelm as a child is very different, how then I experienced

overwhelm. So it's very, very personal. And when that happens in that moment, our nervous system

quite literally captures the sound, the smell, the color, the feeling, all these characteristics that

are present in the environment capture it and then store it in our body. And our body is designed

to do this and it also will perceive it quite often as a threat. So we'll remember, don't let this

happen again, which is a great thing. We're designed that way. It's a protective mechanism, but also

what can happen is other things that are associated with this can result in that individual then

learning different things and holding on to different things all because of this event of anger.

Now that being said, the adult that released that anger is also needing to tend to their emotional

regulation and find ways to process that anger. And a lot of the time we think like, oh, I can't be

angry about this. No, anger is a good thing. It's how we are we are wired to feel these emotions,

how we release it, how we process it, how we clear it from our body is the key. And we're not

taught how to do this. These are things that we have to learn or unless you work with specialists who

are quite literally trained to say, okay, let's get this anger at and a safe, confined way as in

not at the detriment of your daughter. Let's talk about this in another space where you can safely

get this energy out and you can tend to your nervous system to help you regulate so that you're

not taking your pain and putting it on your daughter, which would definitely happen in that moment.

Yeah, you aren't just going to get rid of that anger. It's not, I mean, you aren't going to just

ignore it and just put it away and then keep it away. I mean, that's not healthy. It has to come out

somewhere, but you're talking about being very deliberate that first of all that that's happening.

I am angry. This is making me really angry, but being so conscious of it that you're saying,

you can say to yourself, I have a choice here. I'm very well aware if I let it out here,

that's going to yield consequences I don't want for my daughter for anyone else. This is not what I

want. It's got to come out. I have a choice. I'm not going to let it out here. Here's some other very

constructive and safer ways and healthy ways where I can let it out because it does have to come out.

Completely, completely. I think a lot of the time we're at least, you know, it's 2024. Thank goodness.

We have other ways of understanding our emotions. We have a deeper knowledge and a deeper understanding

of saying, hey, okay, I've seen other people stuff their emotions down and I've seen when it has done

to them over a period of time, I don't want to be like that. I've also seen people release their

emotions on anyone and everything and I don't want to be like that either. So now our next step is

to find ways to process our emotion and to let it out of our body. We don't want to stuff it down.

We don't want to unleash it on anyone just like you said, finding ways that are helpful and effective

and get that emotion out of your body. That's the key. Another powerful consequence of how you

react during those moments, moments like that and all through the rest of your daughter's life is

because it will have a direct impact on and we'll explore this probably later in the episode, but

it will have a direct impact on the mate that she chooses. Because she will pattern that after,

you know, somebody who is, my dad was verbally abusive. This is all I know. This is who, this is what

men are and this is apparently what I need in my life or what it's supposed to be. Or my father

was kind, loving and nurturing. He taught me self-respect and he respected me and treated me with love and

respect. So he would expect nothing less of anyone I choose and I don't want anything different because

this is what I've known and grown up with. So I would expect that from from a future mate. So it has

that implication all the way from when when they're just a baby and then the eye contact is wow,

that's the one thing that you remember is so strongly is the eye contact. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

And not until what you're saying that they might choose a mate like that, but they might also then

behave that way. So, you know, really understanding that your child is growing up in you are cultivating

constantly the environment that your child will be in for the rest of their life until they're

18 and they can then say, okay, well, let me make a different decision. So wanting your child to grow

open and loving, safe, kind space helps them build those neuropath ways that say, oh, this is something

that I want for myself or if you're they're growing up in a in a very volatile space, they're building

those neuropath ways that say, this is what life is. So whichever way we go, we're picking it up

from our environment, we're modeling it, we're seeing it, we're engaging with it. That individual come

18 years old, they then make decisions from for themselves, but that's what you're sharing with them

and what else do you want to share with them? Share the good stuff with them and also even in those

moments of anger and you receive as the father step out, you go release anger, you process it,

you can always come back to it and say, you know, this is what I wanted, this is what would have

been a better situation. I would have liked you to not draw on the walls. We want to be kind to

our things. This is why it's important and talk about it. Don't stuff it under the rug. Don't say,

oh, no, it's fine when it wasn't fine. Allow these conversations to happen and happen with integrity

and happen with a level and an approach that they understand, but also they're hearing you and

they're saying, oh, okay, I can follow that simple direction. And yes, there will be needs time

for repetition, but you're cultivating that and that's a great thing. Tell me about a time when you

are absolutely at your lowest point and your dad helped you recover. Oh, man, when I was in sixth grade,

math was awful. School was terrible for me. Absolutely terrible. And it was one of those things where

you know, you're 12 years old, I'm crying on my bed. And I'm not just crying. I'm doing that really

ugly cry where you're sobbing hysterically. You can't catch your breath. And rather than saying,

you shouldn't be feeling like this, you should be doing better in school. My dad just sat with me.

He's like, yeah, it's tough. And that's all he did. He just sat with me and he listened.

And that was a huge difference because there was quite literally a safe space made. There wasn't

shame. There wasn't guilt. There wasn't you need to be doing this. You need to be doing that. It was

simply, I see you. It's okay. We'll figure it out. Somebody did a sit with you in that kind of space

for lack of a better word in that hole where you're feeling absolutely awful. And you don't know

what to do because you're only 12. Having that kind of presence of somebody just sitting with you

and holding your hand through it and going, it'll be okay. Huge, massively huge.

There's what your dad did. There's so many things in what he did. But he entered your world

empathetically. Now the first thing we do when we see it, I mean, guys get really, most guys, not all,

but a lot of guys get really uncomfortable around a woman crying or around a girl crying.

We don't know what to do. And it becomes a very uncomfortable situation. So we go to immediately

what we're comfortable doing, what we are wired to do. And that's fixed. Diagnose and fix.

Yeah. And when we actually do that, I mean, yes, we will, we will do that under the pretense that

we're trying to help this other person, but in reality, it's to help ourselves. It's to make

ourselves feel comfortable to the situation, to bring order to things. So the root purpose behind

that action is ourselves. So it's not because we mean for it to be of a negative or punitive

experience is because we don't know what to do. And we need to feel useful. And so here's your

dad completely escaping that. And he's leaving his world. And maybe not even leaving it, but he's

pulling his world into yours emotionally and physically both. And he's there with you. And he's

just sitting there. He's not trying to solve the root cause of the problem. He's just listening. So we have

eye contact. And we have dropping anger. And we have listening and emotional empathy. Does that

sound about right? That sounds beautiful. Absolutely. And I agree with you. You know, men are

wonderful, wonderful people. And they want to absolutely fix. And it's a very primal

wiring that men are going, I want to fix, I want to be the solution. And it can be completely

a challenge because you might not feel useful in that moment. And in that moment, allowing

that space to say, okay, I'm just going to pause here. I'm just going to sit, I'm going to observe,

and I'm going to wait. And I might be a little uncomfortable as my daughter sits here and cries,

or as my wife sits here and cries, I'm just going to wait. And then as you're doing that, even

whenever it feels right, the question you can ask, especially when it's, when it if if this is your

wife and you're in the in this situation, do you want some help right now or do you want me to just listen?

And say it with the tone and the sincerity of wanting to just simply be present with them,

will make a massive difference, a completely massive difference because especially in your

daughter, your daughter might not have the solutions, but your wife might be thinking, I know what to do,

I just need somebody to to listen. And that's all I need right now. And when you can ask that question

of which do you want, and you can ask it sincerely, you're holding that space, specifically in this

case for that female or for that person that you're with. And that's really what it is about is

creating that container of safety, not of shaming, not of gilting, just simply being present and

allowing that person to be. Let's talk about the teenage years. I want two teenage daughters need

the most from their dads and how did your dad meet those needs? Oh man, I was not somebody who

dated much. So for me, my dad and I would often, I babysat a lot from the age that I was 12 onwards.

And a lot of my Saturday nights, I didn't really go out with friends, a lot of my Saturday nights,

I spent babysitting my Friday nights, I spent often with my dad or if my mom was home. So my mom was

a night nurse and she spent a lot of time three, three days out of the week. She would be working at a

hospital and then sometimes every other week in her every two weekends, something like that. So

when she wasn't home, me and my dad would spend time together and we would often bond over movies.

And it was just something special that we did. We would go to the movies for, here's a really big

throwback for everybody. The movie store, we would go and rent movies, we'd go to blockbuster, whatever

it was. And that was something that was really nice because it was always a happy time that we

spent together. And specifically when I was a teenager, we started getting into PG-13 movies,

but PG-13 for me was what he also found entertaining. And they were a little, they were a little

engaging. And I remember thinking even as scary as that movie was, nothing bad could happen

because dad was there. And it was just one of those things that really stood out in our way that we

bonded, but also nothing bad could happen to me because dad was there. So whether it was a, you know,

happy memory or kind of that thing where you think, well, that's naive of you. Either way,

I remember thinking nothing bad could happen because dad's here.

The big thing that I'm seeing or that I heard from that was time. It's that quality time.

Once again, it was a space where your worlds were the same world. And you were just,

just letting it go. You were just having a great time together, making a wonderful memory.

That space and that time with him that you held was in its essence for you. It was safety. It was,

it was understood as safety that time that physical time with him created this emotional connection.

Very much so. I love that. Now let's change gears a little bit. We're coming back to what we

talked about earlier, maybe just scratch the surface about. And that is how fathers influence their

daughters selection of of a future mate. What role did your dad play in helping you choose a good

husband? My dad and my mom would always say, the way your father treats me, my mom would say this,

the way your father treats me or my dad would say the way I treat your mother should be how your

husband treats you. And my father is incredibly kind and incredibly compassionate and very

tending to. Do you need anything? Can I help you with anything? Very sincere. And I think that is a huge

thing that we want to help people understand that those are the types of people that as a woman,

that's something that I value very much. My dad also has a phenomenal sense of humor and loves to laugh.

And these are all qualities that my husband now has. And I've been married to my husband for

in two days. It'll be 14 years that we've been married. That's amazing. Congratulations. Thank you.

So that's so big thing there is modeling. So now we before we were talking about time spent

and what I just heard was modeling modeling was is the key there. Your mother set this benchmark

expectation from her own experience from her own marriage. So strong marriages also seem to be

a powerful theme because that's what you grew up around. He was nurturing to his wife and he was

also nurturing to you. He was physically present. He was emotionally present. He purposefully

put himself into the world of his wife and put himself into your world.

And so there was the eye contact. There was the self-control, the emotional control and regulation.

And so all of these things formed this model. And then you had this marriage model to look at. And then

you had your own mother affirming it and then you had your dad saying, this is what a future

husband should be to you. Very much so. And instead of just saying it, he went a step further and he

modeled it. Yeah. The other thing that I think is very helpful and it was very helpful to him. And I

find it very helpful, especially when I work with my clients, better dads and husbands when I work with

them one on one, allowing time for yourself. It is a wonderful thing to be of service to be of service

to your children and to be of service to your wife. It is also a wonderful gift to be of service

to yourself and take the time that you need to take care of yourself, whether it is I need to lay

down for 20 minutes, whether it is I need a workout, whether it's I need a break and I'm going to go

for a drive, whatever it is for that individual is incredibly important because that is also

when we give permission for ourselves to do that to take those breaks to take those pauses to care

for ourselves in the way that only we can care for ourselves. It allows us the permission to give

other people to do the same and that we can continue to support these people in our lives. And that

one I find to be very overlooked but absolutely pivotal in how people show up for other people.

I've heard I've heard it said that being a father is is a lifetime role. How has your dad impacted

your life even now as an adult? Oh goodness. My dad is when he when he's now retired, when he would work

we used to have quick conversations in the morning and it was maybe three, five minutes. Hey,

how are you doing? Oh, I'm thinking about you and if I don't get to talk to him, we'll send a quick

message thinking of you. And I think that has truly helped me as an adult because I love

getting those text messages. I love hearing from him, but I also love sending them and sending

a message that says, Hey, thinking about your calling, Hey, how's your day? And it's a reminder that also

this person has cared for me and this person has cultivated these very specific characteristics

that I love about myself that I get to share with the world. And it's a beautiful reminder that

this person is still here and still takes amazing care of himself and his family even though I'm

now 39 and I don't live at home anymore. And it's really cultivated our relationship. He kept

those qualities and he enhanced those qualities and he continues to bring them forward in every area

of his life, that kindness, that compassion, that humor and all these wonderful things that he is.

Okay, I've saved the best for last. I'm really, really excited about this.

You've created a journal that fathers and daughters can work together on. Tell me more about

how dads can find it. So dads can find this journal through my website and the link will absolutely

be attached to yours. And this is a journal that came from my clients that I have that are fathers.

And they often tell me they want to build certain characteristics with their child and they're not

too sure how to do that. And in this journal, I had created it with children in mind. So as you

mentioned, I am a speech-language pathologist and I think about language a lot. And I work with

children and children that are three years old, four years old, are not the best writers yet.

And they don't quite have those skills. But the journal that I created is for

fathers and their children to do together. And it's a beautiful thing because

fathers can write in it if they need to, but more importantly, their child can draw in it,

whether their child can write in it. And it's a great way to connect at the end of the day.

And in this journal, it says, "What made me smile today?" And you get to talk with your little one about

what was really, what made them smile that day? You, they also, or in this journal, also asks,

"I'm proud of myself." And you get to ask your child, "What are you proud of yourself?"

And encourage them to ask you the same thing. This isn't just a one-way journal. And you can say,

"Oh, what should I be proud of?" Or, "Oh, what are you proud of me for?"

Having these conversations, making little notes about them are so, so important. Another one is

the activity that I enjoyed today. So you can write down what you did, whether it was,

you know, play barbies together, or if you built blocks together, if you went for a walk,

whatever it might be. Tomorrow I'm looking forward to such and such. And again, whatever it is for

that person or whatever you're engaging in together. And another is,

what are the challenges that I face today? And I love that because we want to really look at challenges

as something that we can overcome. And it's very specifically challenges I overcame today.

Letting them know that they can't ride their tool wheel bike yet and that they have their training wheels

is okay. Letting them understand that there are certain things that they can't do yet. They can't

cross the street by themselves yet, or they can't put something up. They can't tie their shoes by

themselves yet. It's okay. They're getting better at it. And drawing their awareness that says,

challenges I overcame. Another is something I'm still working on is a great thing because it really

allows them to build that awareness of what am I doing? Well, where am I getting better? And what is

something that's really, really cool that I got to do today? And we even go as far as talking about

how their mood was. Maybe they were sick that day. Maybe they were super energetic. We also

ask about the weather in this journal. And it really helps cultivate that day, allowing you to

really come present to really be present in that moment about that day with your child. And it's about

a hundred pages long. And the nice thing is, as you can download it for free, you can send it over to

Staples. They can spiral bind it. And there you have a journal that you two can do together that

you cultivate these skills together. And you build that resiliency and you build that awareness.

And you build that kindness together. And you keep that conversation going. I keep thinking way

down the road. This journal can be a physical tangible piece of evidence of a legacy that you're

leaving as a dad. It's a legacy that a physical legacy, an example or a evidence of the legacy that

your your daughter can always carry with her and always have all of her life. And one that you have

as well in your memories are shared in this book and these connected experiences. So that's why

I'm so, so excited about this. I love that. Thank you. So Lenore, how can dads listening now connect

with you with any questions or to get help with bonding with their daughters? They can visit my

website. And I'm sure the links will be down below. And it is D-T-B horizons. And it stands for

determined to be horizons. So whatever horizon you're wanting to accomplish, whatever you're wanting

to do, that is my specialty. That's how I help people. And if you go to the fatherhoodchallenge.com,

that's the fatherhoodchallenge.com. If you go to this episode, look right below the episode description,

the links will be posted there as well as the links to the journal. As we close, what is your

challenge to dads listening now? My challenge to dads is to allow yourself and to give yourself

permission to be present when you're with your daughters, when you're with your children.

Allow yourself to be really, really present and to enjoy the moments because one day, we all know

things will change. Allow yourself to say, you know what? I was, I was present there. I remember that

time. That was a really cool time because those are the moments that you were going to hold so dearly.

Lenore, thank you so much for being on the fatherhoodchallenge. It's been an absolute honor.

Happy back again. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me, John. It was great spending time with you

as always. Thank you for listening to this episode of the fatherhood challenge. If you would like to

contact us, listen to other episodes, find any resource mentioned in this program or find out more

information about the fatherhoodchallenge, please visit the fatherhoodchallenge.com. That's the fatherhoodchallenge.com.

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