This is funny because it’s true. All too often, churches sound like the worst that corporate, bureaucratic America has to offer. It is as though we could all have corporate-speak bingo cards during district conventions and when we read various church publications. And if it were made into a drinking game, it could cause the premiums for Concordia Plan Services to increase even more, especially as the demand for pastoral liver transplants were to increase dramatically.

Some of the gobbledygook that we hear from church bureaucrats sounds just like the above video. And that is what happens when we lose touch with the Scriptures and Confessions. Instead of using turns of phrase from the Bible and the Book of Concord and from the long and rich tradition of the Holy Church, we are often treated to something more akin to the jargon of a self-help book or bureaucratic babble from the latest work productivity guru.

Is it because they don’t read the Bible? Is it because the Book of Concord has become just another dusty volume on the shelf from seminary days? Is it because our “missional” brethren’s reading is normed by mission statements instead of the mission to spread the Gospel by means of sending pastors to serve at altars, fonts, and pulpits? Is it because they put more faith in the techniques of industrial organization, managerial leadership, and the Power of Positive Thinking than in the ministry of the Holy Spirit, the means of grace, and the Doctrine of Election?

Even our bureaucratic titles sound like a bad parody of the movie Office Space: District President (DP or sometimes DiP)? Mission and Ministry Facilitator (MMF)? That one is particularly begging for it. Mission Executive? Congregation Support Specialist? Coach? (Yes, some districts have titles that include “coach” - which may conjure up images of big hairy guys in shorts with a whistle and a clipboard). We have various directors, executives, and facilitators. The only saving grace is that the names for all of these titles aren’t still in German, or else it would sound like a World War II reenactors’ convention. We have task forces and blue ribbon commissions (which sounds like something to do with the prize heifer at the county fair). We have cheesy themes for this and that, and of course, the king of corporate argot, the Mission Statement. Sigh.

Wouldn’t it be nice if this all stopped in our churches, and instead of reflecting the world, our writing and speaking and even our polity were given fluency by the Word of God?