
We recently finished reading The Courage to Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change Your Life, and Achieve Real Happiness by Kishimi and Koga in The Haven Book Club.



In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I share reflections inspired by the five nights of discussions between the philosopher and youth in the book. 



It's been great to look at the book over four months, and I'd be up for doing it again. So if you listen to this episode and think it's something you would like to explore for yourself, let me know here. If there is enough interest, I'll get the ball rolling.







Episode contents* Why We Need The Courage To Be Disliked | 4:28* The Cost of Seeking Approval: Losing Ourselves in the Quest for Acceptance | 8:54 * Self-Worth, Achievement, and The Courage To Be Disliked | 9:57* Does The Past Determine Our Future, or Can We Change It? | 13:16* Determining Blame and Finding Fault | 16:50* Unhappiness As a Choice | 18:00* Interpersonal Relationship Problems and The Social Shadow | 21:42 * An Age of Connected Loneliness and The Social Shadow | 22:56* Inferiority, Superiority, and Equality | 24:51* Holding Boundaries and Letting Go Of Other People’s Tasks | 28:23* Encouragement Not Praise | 32:28* Beware of The Cookie Cutter | 33:52* The Freedom of Being Disliked | 34:44* No One Lives At The Centre of The World | 36:14* Community Feeling and The Many Centres of The World | 37:42* The Storm In a Teacup | 39:59* Respect For Authority | 1:07* To Live in the Here and Now | 45:37* The Difference Between Affirmation and Acceptance | 49:26* Fear of Being Disliked and How We Judge The World | 51:24 * The End is Not The Goal | 52:26* The Haven | 53:36



Why We Need The Courage To Be Disliked | 4:28



The philosopher uses Alfred Adler's Individual Psychology to help the young man consider ways to change his life. It revolves around the premise that true freedom comes from having the courage to be disliked.



This courage to be disliked isn't about wanting to be disliked.

26 | Grow More Courage To Be Disliked

A podcast about engaging with creative spirit, deep sensitivity, and playfulness to make space for peace, meaning, and human connection in a world that struggles to slow down.

Society & Culture

Personal Journals

History

Philosophy

Places & Travel

Education

Training

Language Courses

Higher Education

K-12

Educational Technology

Relationships

Health & Fitness

Mental Health

Self-Improvement


The noise we encounter can significantly impact how we perceive the world and what we believe about it. This can be multiplied tenfold for sensitive types who naturally absorb and respond to subtle environmental shifts and sensory disturbances.



So, how do we learn to acknowledge and address the noise that can otherwise derail and distract us?



I explore that question in this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, which follows from last week's exploration of personal sound and the idea of "coming to our senses." 




https://youtu.be/elTJHlIUslk




The Difference Between Noise and Buzz



Buzz is not a technical term, but it helps us differentiate different types of external stimulation. In the episode, I discuss how noise disturbs the senses, diminishing our capacity to enjoy while buzz enriches the experience, adding to the atmosphere and energy.



Distinguishing between noise and buzz helps us gauge whether an environment supports our objectives and desires in any given moment. 



We might recognise how the same stimulation can be met differently by people. For example, some find silence distracting and seek sensory input to create a buzz to concentrate, while others lose focus if anything is happening around them. This highlights the subjective nature of these perceptions, which requires understanding and negotiation, especially in shared spaces like open-plan offices and living environments.



Sources of Noise



Noise reaches us through our senses, our thinking, and bodily sensations. We can perceive and feel disturbances in many ways and from various sources, some more overt than others.



Sensory Noise



Sensory noise is stimulation that directly enters our senses: noisy sounds, tastes, smells, touch, sights etc. Input becomes noisy when our ability to process sensory data or receive information through other senses is impaired.



Cognitive Noise



We might not notice how noisy our thoughts are when we are habituated to an overthinking mind. Thoughts might include the voice of the inner critic and the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves, one another, and the state of the world.



Digital Noise



I wasn't sure where to put mobile technology but it certainly belongs on this list. In fact, we might find it under every item. But rather than being a direct noise source, it tends to act as an amplifier for many other noise sources.



The phone brings sensory noise through the sights and sounds of relentless news feeds and reels. It can also amplify cognitive noise, triggering internal judgements based on comparisons as we glimpse images, videos, and updates flying past our eyes, not to mention exposure to the relentless flood of real-time information that we wouldn't get in such abundant volume without technology.



Cultural Noise



Current events, news stories, and social trends flow into our conscious awareness from outside. They take up capacity for thinking and feeling and become noise when we don't have a creative outlet to process and release them.



Cultural noise also flows through the values and beliefs we absorb from society and judge ourselves by.



Somatic/Physical Noise



We might feel noisiness in our physical beings. It can be experienced as pain, tension, tightness, aches, throbs, tenderness, etc.

55 | Making Sense Of The Distractions, Disturbances, and Noise


We can lose connection with our "sound" if we experience over-empathy, people-pleasing, and an "I'm OK if you're OK" filter. This can happen if the nervous system learns to perceive danger and safety by taking responsibility for the well-being and reactions of people (and things) it can't control.



Our creative spirit gets stifled when these patterns settle into our systems. It gets harder to locate our preferences, opinions, and desires. And choices become filtered through their potential social consequences rather than their intrinsic value and importance to us.



Creative spirit has three core elements: sound, noise, and voice.



In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, we explore the role of sound in each of us and how we can find our way home if we're out of connection.







What does it mean to have a personal sound? Why does it matter? How does it feel? Where is it? How do we find it? What causes us to lose connection with it?



As thinking, feeling, and consciously self-aware creatures, creative spirit flows through our very beingness. It is the invitation to shift the trajectory from what would have happened without us into what COULD happen with us. It stems from the faintest aromas and grows through the slightest cracks of light.



While voice is how we express ourselves in the world, our sound is how we perceive, sense, and notice the world. Sound is the intuitive, creative instincts that precede the interference and noise that clouds it out.



In this episode, we will consider how to attune to this natural and personal part of our being as humans.



Coming To Our Senses



We often talk about someone coming to their senses when they return to sensible compliance and conformity with how they ought to act, think, and approach things. Sometimes, this is necessary, but often, it's a way to keep our sound hidden. It keeps our creative spirit squashed and unable to breathe.



Truly coming to our senses is about recognising our first perceptions, noticing what we notice, including what we are drawn towards and away from before the noisy filters kick in. Filters like social pressures, expectations, and cultural injunctions leave us doing, chasing, and valuing things that don't matter to us and fearing, avoiding, and hiding from the things that do.



If This Isn't Nice, I Don't Know What Is



Kurt Vonnegut's uncle Alex had a saying: "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is." He says, "What Uncle Alex found objectionable about so many human beings is that they would seldom notice when they were happy."



Happiness is a fleeting encounter with something that catches the sleeve of our attention and brings us into harmony with the moment. The mind isn't caught up in rumination and worry. It is present, aware, and alive. It can't be experienced anywhere or anytime other than here and now.



We connect with our sound when we pause to say, "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is."



In her book Anchored, Deb Dana says that "glimmers are all around us, but from a state of protection, they are very hard to find." For many sensitive souls who have developed deep defensive patterns that seek safety by avoiding threats, it can be challenging to notice glimmers. When our nervous systems are stressed, busy, or numb, we are less attuned to the points of connection around us.



Catching Our Sleeve On Our Sound



In his book Several Short Sentences About Writing, Verlyn Klinkenborg writes:




54 | Coming To Your Senses (How To Find Your “Sound”)


Where does your mind go when you read the phrase, "The money changed everything"?



In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I want to share points from our recent Haven discussion when we used this prompt to chat and play.



Where did the money come from? What difference did it make?







Before our gathering, I stumbled on an episode of Alfred Hitchcock Presents called "Reward to Finder". The story is about Carl, who finds some money in a gutter on his way home from work. Instead of returning it to its rightful owner (in exchange for an unspecified reward), as he promised his wife, Anna, he keeps it hidden in his attic. Eventually, Anna discovers that he is counting the money and demands a share. She threatens to go to the police if Carl doesn't comply. As she spends the money, the situation escalates. Ultimately, they both decide to take action. This changes everything.




It was like poison; it got into our bloodstream.Normal life became something obscene.We couldn’t see straight. I lost you in the haze.Neighbours hear banging through the walls of this doorless maze.A dark cloud hanging like a fur coat.In limbo, awaiting the verdict.
Words inspired by Reward to Finder



The story highlights a familiar scenario we may have encountered in various situations. The arrival of money can often trigger possessiveness, control, greed, and envy, causing relationships to crumble. This can happen dramatically, as depicted in the story, or gradually over time. Over time, resentments build up, stories take hold in the characters' minds, beliefs shift, values change, and people stop seeing people. Instead, they see obstacles, hindrances, opportunities, and gold mines. But perhaps, instead of bringing about fundamental changes, money reveals what was already there.



But The Money Can Make a Positive Difference



It was interesting to notice how my personal response to the prompt had a negative flavour. This attitude might be called "Why does money always ruin good things?" There are many examples of this. But I wanted to explore how money can positively change everything. That would be the first place people go in response to the prompt.



An unexpected gift that took the pressure off or saved the day, approval for the loan that got the business off the ground, or the grant that transformed the community.



What Would You Choose To Do If Money Wasn't an Obstacle?



What Would You Choose To Do If Money Wasn't an Obstacle? is a classic coaching question. But it's also an interesting one to dissect. The responses seem to vary depending on whether having a vision precedes the availability of funds or vice versa. 



On one hand, we may ask, "What is something you would love to do but can't due to a lack of resources?" Perhaps there is a particular project you would love to undertake, a place you would like to visit, or changes you would like to make. In other words, if you had the money, you would know exactly what to spend it on. For me, it's finishing my album. Incidentally, if you have £5000 lying around (or know someone who does), gimme a shout!



The other way of reading the question is, "If you suddenly came into a chunk of money, what would you do with it?" It's the "What would you do if you won the lottery?" question. Responses tend to be more vague.

53 | The Money Changed Everything


Adam Grant explores how our practice can lead to boreout in Hidden Potential. In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I dive into this idea and reflect on the role of playfulness in maintaining our motivation with the things that matter most.



We consider the distinctions between burnout and boreout and delve into the contrast between obsession and passion. I ask how the demands and pace of hustle culture might lead to chronic boredom. We look at why we need not stress about discovering our purpose and passion despite the societal messages we are bombarded with.




"It is neither work nor play, purpose nor purposelessness that satisfies us. It is the dance between." 
- Bernard de Koven







Boreout is the emotional deadening you feel when you’re under-stimulated to the point of disconnection. But it might also occur when we are chronically overstimulated and unable to pause between life's ceaseless bombardment of noise.



Practice and Boreout



Boreout is a phenomenon that often arises when we lose our sense of purposeful connection and intrinsic joy with the task at hand. When it comes to practice, it can turn into an obsessive slog rather than a meaningful journey towards progress and growth.



Deliberate play isn't about avoiding work. It's about shifting our mentality and seeing how potential can be reached sustainably by finding ways to playfully engage in practice, learning, and growth.



"You're not supposed to enjoy it; it's piano practice!"



We fall into a trap with certain endeavours. We believe that practice ought to feel like a slog. This leads us to stories of forbidden fun. Some things are meant to feel like punishment.



However, Adam Grant refers to a study conducted on renowned concert pianists, which revealed most of them practised the piano for just an hour a day during their early years, and they weren't raised by controlling and dominating drill sergeants. Their passion ignited, and their parents and teachers gave them the conditions to maintain their motivation and enthusiasm.



They practised, not because they had to, but because they were interested. They enjoyed working with teachers to explore the craft more; excited, engaged and wanted to learn, improve, and practice.



When we treat it as something we've just got to repeat and repeat, practice can lead to boreout. It can also extinguish passion and cause us to resent things that used to be exciting and joyful.



In the episode, I also explore:




* Harmonious passion vs obsessive passion and which is more useful



* How my drum teachers used deliberate play to keep me on track with my exams



* Why a lack of creative coaching led me to quit a football team



* Similarities between burnout and boreout



* How it can be more relaxing to create than to do nothing



* Why overstimulation can leave us bored and disconnected



* The way algorithms overstimulate our senses with sameness - and how variety and difference are sources of energy and inspiration



* Collective boreout through cultural drift



* How uncertainty gives rise to creativity, passion, and play (and the danger of trying to avoid it)



* And more...




Over to You



So, what resonated for you in this episode? Leave a comment below or get in touch via social media ...

52 | Are You Suffering From Boreout?


Humour is a VERY important sense. Without it, we risk taking ourselves so seriously that we lose all perspective. Our sense of humour is a core part of gentleness (firm back, soft front) because it allows us to move through the world with greater flexibility and openness. 



We all have this sense! But it takes practice to remain humourously sensitised to the world around, within, and between us.







In this episode of The Gentle Rebel Podcast, I share a Haven Courtyard conversation I had towards the end of 2023 with Roxana Alexandru and Neil Hughes. We explored how we might use humour to befriend anxiety and the inner critic in helpful and healthy ways.



Rox helps people figure out ways to play with and change their relationship with debilitating social anxiety. She shares her experiments through Instagram and TikTok.



Neil wrote the book Walking on Custard & the Meaning of Life: A Guide for Anxious Humans. It contains an inspiring ongoing meta dialogue with his inner critic throughout.



Check out Neil’s website and watch his TEDx Talk (A new plan for anxious feelings: escape the custard!)



I love how both Rox and Neil relate to the voice of their inner critics, which is why I thought it would be fun to have them both on the same call…and I was right; it was!



In our conversation, they explained why they felt drawn to use humour to engage with their inner critic and what they've learned.



We Discuss Humour, Anxiety, Inner Critics, and...




* How can we work on our relationship with the inner critic in light-hearted ways?



* When is it better to be amused than anxious?



* Experimental ideas to take control over the process so that the fear doesn't gain power over you.



* How Neil's goal was to reach a point where he no longer needed to think/talk about anxiety. We explore how engaging with inner work as a temporary process (perhaps even obsession) can lead you to a light on the other side.



* The link between custard and anxiety and how seeing it through this metaphor can help identify and reach more solid and desirable ground.



* Situations and environments where social anxiety increases (and how to prepare/recover to avoid feedback loops)



* The simple power of being interested (rather than worrying about being interesting)



* The derailing fear of being misunderstood.



* Why we can never be prepared enough for every potential eventuality and how Neil engages with that truth in creatively humorous ways



* How scripting can help give a set of mental tools to draw on and use during times when we most need it



* Creating deliberate awkward moments helps the brain lean into discomfort on our terms.



* Why are our post-situational inner narratives often worse than the situations themselves - and how do we choose more favourable (and evidenced) narratives to believe?



* The sound of our inner critic (is it a voice? A narrative? Or a flavour?)



* How to relate to impostor feelings (or impostor syndrome) in a helpful and humourous way



* The stories we tell ourselves about appearances and how judgements by those around us about...

26 | Grow More Courage To Be Disliked

Download our free app to listen on your phone