Hear English presents a guest post from professional comedy writer: Joel, aka the Bespoke Joke Bloke www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk OFFICE GOSSIP (Fast)   You can get the mp3 here.  Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post.  Cooee,  nice to see you.  How’s your first day?  How’s everyone treating you?  Nicely?  Really?  Even Jill?  Oh that’s nice.  I’m amazed she can still smile; she says it was Bell’s palsy but I think it was Botox.  So you can see how special it was for her to smile for you. Have you got a boyfriend?  You can tell me I’m really discreet. I mean just ask Jennifer.  I didn’t tell anyone when she was going out with Brian from reprographics, who was married to Jessy in accounts.  They ended up getting divorced and Jennifer had a telling off from HR.  I mean who’d gossip about that and get her into trouble?  I reckon it was Harry the guy who does security.  It’s not his fault, he just likes a drink.  At lunch time, tea time, well most of the time.  Poor guy stuck on that desk all day long.  Do you like a drink? Oh, me? No, never.  Ever come into work with a hangover? Me? No, never…so, do you have a boyfriend? Do you think any of the guys working here are hot? Oh no, workplace romances are always trouble.  Take Jennifer: I mean, she had to take 2 months off work.  She said it was back strain, but, my mate, who works down the pub and knows someone in the NHS, said she had a breakdown and was in a mental hospital.  Like that Jill, who went on a 6 week holiday to see her cousin in Australia, but, I reckon she was having a boob job.  She went out a C and came back a D; I don’t think the sun made them grow big. So have you heard any good gossip?  C’mon you’re new; everyone’s indiscreet with the newbie.  It’s about me? What could there be about me? Oh, that I’m on a final written warning and performance improvement notice for bullying and harassing other staff members.  Well if having a chat is what the company views as harassment that’s their problem.  Do I have a boyfriend? That’s none of your business! www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk

Guest Post (Fast): the Bespoke Joke Bloke - Office Gossip (Series 004, Episode 002)

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Hear more English at: http://fullenglishexperience.com/.  'Hear English' and 'The Full English Experience' are blogs that provide podcasts and transcripts to help people learn English, find us at http://hearenglishhere.blogspot.com/. Free image courtesy of 'stockfreeimages.com' The Water Cooler (Fast) Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post.  They may look like busy professionals, but the staff at Colourful Solutions Ltd (Colsol), aren’t always as serious or hardworking as they appear, and we find out what mischief they’ve been up to as they talk around the water cooler. Click above to listen.  You can get the mp3. here.  Episode 8 - Health and Safety (Fast)  Too fast? Try the slower version in the previous post.  Featuring the vocal talents of Sophie Iafrate (Susan).  (Free sound effects courtesy of 'Soundjay.com'), Susan: Good morning Keith.  Have you seen the new health and safety rules have been sent to everyone?  I think we have to sign something to say we have read then and promise to abide by them.  It all seems a bit unnecessary. Keith: I did see them.  In fact, I have already filed them for future reference. Susan: Really?  I thought you were going to complain like you usually do!  And as for filing – I didn’t think you even had a filing system in place… wait a second.  Keith, you haven’t filed your document; you’ve put it in the waste paper bin. Keith: Exactly, appropriate filing is absolutely essential. Susan: Well, even if it is a bit over the top, I do think you ought to at least take a look at the updated requirements Keith. Keith: [dramatic sighing] OK, but I can’t see what it will say that I don’t already know.  Health and Safety is really just common sense. Later… Susan: [entering room] Ahh! Why are there hazard signs all around my desk?  Keith, do you have anything to do with this?  Why are you wearing a helmet? Keith: Well Susan, I followed your advice and read the Health and Safety document.  It was eye-opening.  Are you aware of the number of dangers present in your work area? Susan: I might have known you would take this too literally. Janet: Hello team. I am afraid that we need to discuss the new risk assessments we have to consider.  What has happened to your desk Susan? Keith: Ah, that was me Janet.  I am afraid that Susan’s desk constituted a major risk according to these new rules. Janet: Really?  Which things have you highlighted?  Hmm, a personal photo frame with glass.  Yes, I suppose that is a risk, it might be best if you took that home Susan.  And a coffee cup without a lid could be very dangerous if it had boiling water in it.  Maybe you could change to a cup with a lid. Keith: Or you could only drink chilled drinks.  No ice though; that is a choking hazard. Janet: What else? The chair too?  Yes, I can see that now.  Whilst this might be a very comfortable chair, I don’t imagine it is the best one for at a desk.  We will have to swap it for an upright one. Keith: Chairs without cushions are recommended in this case. Susan: Honestly, this is just Keith being silly. Janet: It might appear that way Susan, but we really can’t be too careful these days. Keith: ha ha ha, sorry, a bit of a cough there. Janet:  Do you know what Keith? We need to recruit some more Health and Safety officers now, and I must admit that I didn’t even consider you before.  It means doing more administrative chores and there are monthly meetings to attend and I didn’t think it would interest you.  However, you are clearly passionate about Health and Safety, so I will put your name forward with strong recommendations.  Plus, I will leave you in charge of the risk assessments.  I am sure you will enjoy doing this far more than Susan. Keith: But… Susan: Congratulations Keith.  You know what they say: if that cap fits, wear it.

The Water Cooler (Fast) - Health and Safety (Series 003, Episode 008)

Hear more English at: http://fullenglishexperience.com/.  'Hear English' and 'The Full English Experience' are blogs that provide podcasts and transcripts to help people learn English, find us at http://hearenglishhere.blogspot.com/. Free image courtesy of 'stockfreeimages.com' The Water Cooler (Slow) Too slow? Try the faster version in the next post.  They may look like busy professionals, but the staff at Colourful Solutions Ltd (Colsol), aren’t always as serious or hardworking as they appear, and we find out what mischief they’ve been up to as they talk around the water cooler. Click above to listen.  You can get the mp3. here. Episode 8 - Health and Safety (Slow)  Too slow? Try the faster version in the next post.  Featuring the vocal talents of Sophie Iafrate (Susan).  (Free sound effects courtesy of 'Soundjay.com'),  Susan: Good morning Keith.  Have you seen the new health and safety rules have been sent to everyone?  I think we have to sign something to say we have read then and promise to abide by them.  It all seems a bit unnecessary. Keith: I did see them.  In fact, I have already filed them for future reference. Susan: Really?  I thought you were going to complain like you usually do!  And as for filing – I didn’t think you even had a filing system in place… wait a second.  Keith, you haven’t filed your document; you’ve put it in the waste paper bin. Keith: Exactly, appropriate filing is absolutely essential. Susan: Well, even if it is a bit over the top, I do think you ought to at least take a look at the updated requirements Keith. Keith: [dramatic sighing] OK, but I can’t see what it will say that I don’t already know.  Health and Safety is really just common sense. Later… Susan: [entering room] Ahh! Why are there hazard signs all around my desk?  Keith, do you have anything to do with this?  Why are you wearing a helmet? Keith: Well Susan, I followed your advice and read the Health and Safety document.  It was eye-opening.  Are you aware of the number of dangers present in your work area? Susan: I might have known you would take this too literally. Janet: Hello team. I am afraid that we need to discuss the new risk assessments we have to consider.  What has happened to your desk Susan? Keith: Ah, that was me Janet.  I am afraid that Susan’s desk constituted a major risk according to these new rules. Janet: Really?  Which things have you highlighted?  Hmm, a personal photo frame with glass.  Yes, I suppose that is a risk, it might be best if you took that home Susan.  And a coffee cup without a lid could be very dangerous if it had boiling water in it.  Maybe you could change to a cup with a lid. Keith: Or you could only drink chilled drinks.  No ice though; that is a choking hazard. Janet: What else? The chair too?  Yes, I can see that now.  Whilst this might be a very comfortable chair, I don’t imagine it is the best one for at a desk.  We will have to swap it for an upright one. Keith: Chairs without cushions are recommended in this case. Susan: Honestly, this is just Keith being silly. Janet: It might appear that way Susan, but we really can’t be too careful these days. Keith: ha ha ha, sorry, a bit of a cough there. Janet:  Do you know what Keith? We need to recruit some more Health and Safety officers now, and I must admit that I didn’t even consider you before.  It means doing more administrative chores and there are monthly meetings to attend and I didn’t think it would interest you.  However, you are clearly passionate about Health and Safety, so I will put your name forward with strong recommendations.  Plus, I will leave you in charge of the risk assessments.  I am sure you will enjoy doing this far more than Susan. Keith: But… Susan: Congratulations Keith.  You know what they say: if that cap fits, wear it.

The Water Cooler (Slow) - Health and Safety (Series 003, Episode 008)

Hear English presents a guest post from professional comedy writer: Joel, aka the Bespoke Joke Bloke www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk OFFICE GOSSIP (Slow) You can get the mp.3 here.  Too slow? Try the faster version in the following post.   Normal 0 0 1 264 1506 12 3 1849 11.1282 0 0 0 Cooee,  nice to see you.  How’s your first day?  How’s everyone treating you?  Nicely?  Really?  Even Jill?  Oh that’s nice.  I’m amazed she can still smile; she says it was Bell’s palsy but I think it was Botox.  So you can see how special it was for her to smile for you. Have you got a boyfriend?  You can tell me I’m really discreet. I mean just ask Jennifer.  I didn’t tell anyone when she was going out with Brian from reprographics, who was married to Jessy in accounts.  They ended up getting divorced and Jennifer had a telling off from HR.  I mean who’d gossip about that and get her into trouble?  I reckon it was Harry the guy who does security.  It’s not his fault, he just likes a drink.  At lunch time, tea time, well most of the time.  Poor guy stuck on that desk all day long.  Do you like a drink? Oh, me? No, never.  Ever come into work with a hangover? Me? No, never…so, do you have a boyfriend? Do you think any of the guys working here are hot? Oh no, workplace romances are always trouble.  Take Jennifer: I mean, she had to take 2 months off work.  She said it was back strain, but, my mate, who works down the pub and knows someone in the NHS, said she had a breakdown and was in a mental hospital.  Like that Jill, who went on a 6 week holiday to see her cousin in Australia, but, I reckon she was having a boob job.  She went out a C and came back a D; I don’t think the sun made them grow big. So have you heard any good gossip?  C’mon you’re new; everyone’s indiscreet with the newbie.  It’s about me? What could there be about me? Oh, that I’m on a final written warning and performance improvement notice for bullying and harassing other staff members.  Well if having a chat is what the company views as harassment that’s their problem.  Do I have a boyfriend? That’s none of your business! www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk

Guest Post (Slow): the Bespoke Joke Bloke - Office Gossip (Series 004, Episode 002)

Hear English presents a guest post from professional comedy writer: Joel, aka the Bespoke Joke Bloke www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk HOW TO FAIL AN INTERVIEW (Slow) Too slow? Try the faster version in the following post.  You can get the mp.3 here.  Not everyone wants a job.  Maybe you’re having fun living at home, nicking Dad’s beer and eating Mum’s cooking.  Or, perhaps you fancy the girl down the dole office. So, here’s how to blow that all important interview in 8 easy steps. 1 Don’t turn up on time.  Employers hate this; it ensures that everyone else’s interview is late and makes them wait around twiddling their thumbs.  And, don’t phone to say you’re late, I mean, they’re not paying for your credit are they? 2 Don’t prepare before the interview.  Don’t read the company’s website or about the industry you’re trying to join. I mean, they should know that stuff; why are they asking you? 3 Make a joke.  It puts everybody at ease and shows you’re a fun guy or gal.  And, if it’s really offensive, then you show you can laugh at anyone.  Even the people interviewing you. 4 Don’t dress smartly.  T-shirt, trainers and a baseball cap show you’re the kind of fit, go getter who’s going to go straight out of the interview and kick a ball around the park. Only geeks wear ties. 5 Show the interview panel just how flexible you are in the work place…by slouching in your chair. 6 Don’t turn your mobile off.  If it doesn’t bleep they’ll think you’re a Billy no mates. 7 Be completely upfront about your work needs.  It’s only fair.  I mean, you’re not going to accept a job that expects you to work late on a Friday or come in if you have a hangover on Monday. 8 Let’s face it, the job’s going to be boring, so enliven your interview by talking about your partner, de-worming your cat, and who’s winning X factor on the telly. And, tut if the interview panel ask you to answer their questions.  What are they?  Your dad or something? And, having failed your job interview, walk home in victory.  You can’t afford the bus fare, but, that’s alright: you weren’t going anywhere, were you? www.bespokejokebloke.co.uk

Guest Post (Fast): the Bespoke Joke Bloke - Office Gossip (Series 004, Episode 002)

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