Since time immemorial, man has answered many of life's questions with the help of science. Why is the sky blue? Why do I feel hungry? What are the two defining characteristics of radioactive decay? Yet in spite of our progress, there are many other questions that are left unanswered, like juicy apples waiting to be plucked and eaten. Today, we attempt to answer some of the low hanging fruits on this apple tree: How do you wipe your ass? How do you eat your McDonalds meal?