When my wife and I first met, and we were dating, it became very clear, early on, that we handled conflict differently. What would pique my interest and get me excited for a hard conversation would get her blood pressure up and have her running for the hills. I would want to engage, she would want to escape. I would want to investigate, she would want to ignore at all costs.    After meeting her family, I recognized that we had very different upbringings. My father was famous for stopping a conversation in the middle of dinner to pull me aside and correct what I had just done or said inappropriately. It was awkward for 5 minutes, but it addressed the issue and we moved forward not carrying anything with us.    Elyse was more comfortable with skirting the conversation, trying to brush it under the rug and get out of the dinner unscathed. That’s what she would consider “success.”    She was a peace-keeper (just wanting to keep the peace) and I was a peace-maker, (just wanting to do anything in my power to fix it immediately).    As you can imagine, early in our relationship we had to figure this out. It was impossible for me to argue with someone that refused to argue. It was like arm wrestling with a wet noodle. It wasn’t fun because she’d give up and go silent… Ostrich-mode—Head in the sand. How can you argue with that?    I didn’t think my goal was to necessarily “WIN” but to at least have a hard conversation and make both of our points, and eventually compromise.    My dad told me in my early teen years that “soul mates” aren’tfound, they’reformed. Compromise and collaboration are the keys to a happy marriage (and a happy “anything”—for that matter). It was important teaching for a young man that’s looking for THE ONE… Someone to fulfill all my wildest dreams. Someone that’s beautiful and creative and spontaneous and wholesome and exotic and loving… I stopped looking for the finished product and started looking for the raw materials (knowing full-well that I was in my unpolished, raw-material state as well).    And I found her. And 12 years later, we’re more in love than ever.    Something I knew early on that needed to be addressed was my unhealthy appetite for conflict and confrontation. And in counseling over the past few years, I realized that it was because I had a tendency to “WIN” these confrontations… Or at leastTHINK i won them. I had the ability to out-talk people and make a few good points (however random they needed to be) and then I’d win. Who wouldn’t start liking confrontation if they got into the swing of “winning” them?    But what I recognized was that this sort of abrasive, in-your-face type of handling difficult conversations was obnoxious, and not productive. And actually, stemming out of a place of meNOT being OK with unresolved tensions. The reason I’d step up to the plate to address things immediately was because I needed resolution.    Elyse was more comfortable with giving things space, and needing time to process things. And… Truth is—A lot of times that can work. People step away from the table and get perspective, then come back together with a renewed grace about them.    I needed to learn to engage with hard conversations however the other parties needed to engage. The “rules of engagement” needed to be mutually agreed upon. If they needed margin and space to process, I had to be OK with that. At the same time, they had to be willing to share their opinions that they’d rather keep quiet.    On our honeymoon, we were in Eagles Nest, New Mexico. Our friends had a summer home on the side of a mountain there, and it seemed like the perfect place to get away from everyone and celebrate our marriage. During one of our day trips, we went to the Taos Pueblo, one of the oldest continuously inhabited communities in the United States. In one of the little homes there, an older Native American woman named “Chile Flower” was selling Native American wedding vases.    They’re basically a small water jug with two spouts out of the top, pointing in opposite directions (one for the bride, one for the groom), then they’re connected with a little bridge of ceramic.    She told us all about the tradition of these vases, and how on the day of the wedding, the vase is filled with holy water and given to the bride. She drinks from one side and the groom drinks from the other. This ceremony is equivalent to the exchanging of wedding bands.    Chile Flower went on to tell us the most important part, that many of the tourists don’t know… That you keep the wedding vase in a visible part of your home, and if you’re ever in an argument, you sit down across from your spouse, and you each hold your side of the vase. And you argue well. You say what you need to say, while holding this symbol of commitment and covenant.    When there’s a mutual commitment to unity between two parties, hard conversations suddenly lose the anxiety that typically surrounds them. If you’re able to say, “Hey, we need to talk about this, but we both agree that this isn’t going to be a relationship shattering thing…” it suddenly loses its’ power over us. And then of course you can share your opinions and fears and worries without fear thatTHISis going to affectTHAT.    In fact, I think it’s only when the small things aren’t addressed continually that they grow into things thatCAN affect the whole thing.    And this is true outside of marriages, of course. This is true of every type of relationship. Friendship, working relationship, within a church community or a gym community…    This past weekend I had a hard conversation with our church. Over the course of a few years, our overall giving was down and the budget was reflecting that. After crunching some of the numbers, we realized that 40% of our church wasn’t giving. They weren’t contributing financially at all. It would be like a small business of 10 folks trying to make a difference in the world, but 4 of them are just hanging out in the break room for the free snacks.    So as a leader in our church family, I wanted to share that with everyone. I wanted to illuminate the facts without shaming people. I wanted to challenge people and ruffle them just enough to hopefully motivate them to begin contributing.    It was one of those things that’s supposed to be 10 minutes long and ends up being 20 minutes long. It was a bit uncomfortable but it was surrounded by humility and grace, and we saw a great response. We saw 15-20 new families begin giving right away.    Again, it’s not about the money at all, it’s about people’s hearts being where their treasure is. It’s about people beginning to feel a sense of ownership over what we’re doing together. And it was good. A necessary, hard conversation that resulted in fruit.    Immediately following that, we went over to a friend’s house that has a beautiful pool and a great place to all hang out.. And the conversation turned from light-hearted stuff to how the Church has handled the LGBT community—poorly from every perspective. A hard conversation. Sometimes it’s an impossible conversation.    How do you embrace and Disciple an entire group of people that certain church members deem sinful? I personally believe it’s the furthest thing from “Black and white” to discuss… It’s not dualism. Right or wrong, black or white, sinner or saint. It’s 50 shades of gray between. (BTW, i’m redeeming that phrase. Screw those books. I’m using it!) It’snon-dualism. It’s person to person, story to story, life to life.   And we have a lot of LGBT folks in our church, and I love it. But people with more traditional backgrounds or conservative upbringing… it challenges them. And I think it makes all of us better.    Whether it’s racism, or politics, or different interpretations of the Bible… We have differences that we still feel are “tribal” and set up the “US VS. THEM” mentality.    And that’s exactly what darkness would want. Isolation, building up walls, introducing yet another Caste system, a hierarchy… Labels and stereotypes and everyone in convenient little boxes.    I think that’s the furthest thing from what God wants for us.    I believe that—armed with enough humility and commitment to unity—we are able to talk about anything with anyone. And we should. We need to do the hard work of establishing the Rules of Engagement… so that no one is blind-sided, and so that no one fights unfair.    And then we talk. We humbly submit our perspectives to one another, and recognize that there are a thousand different factors playing into how we arrived at the perspective… And recognize that none of us have “arrived.”    Every time I have a hard conversation, I’m reminded of the 50 shades of gray in it all… In everything.    We love approaching life like it’s apaint by number. “All the 5s are green, all the 3s are red…” But I think God is much more interested in watercolor, where it all blends together, and interacts with one another, and typically only makes sense when you step back and see the whole picture.    I love you guys… Thanks for listening, make it a good day.