By: Teri Arvesú González

There’s a moment in every leader’s journey when you realize the very thing that made you successful is also the thing that holds you back.

For me, that moment arrived wrapped inside a leadership training—and it hit harder than I expected.

If you know me, you know I’m mama-bearish by nature. Protective. Hands-on. Wired to jump in, shield my team, and solve whatever problem is burning on the table. My top CliftonStrength is Restorative, which means my brain lights up when something is broken. I love fixing things. I get energy from it. It feels like purpose.

But strengths have shadows. And nobody tells you how easy it is to stand in your own light.

The Restorative Trap

The leadership assessment described something that felt uncomfortably true:Your greatest strength becomes your greatest weakness when you use it on autopilot.

I had been doing exactly that.

When someone walked into my office with a problem, I immediately interpreted it as an invitation—“Let me jump in. Let me fix this. Let me bear the weight.”

It didn’t occur to me that maybe they weren’t asking for a hero. Maybe they just needed a human.

Honestly, if we revisited Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, I’d be categorized more like “a man” in that analogy—wired to solve, not simply listen. It’s how I’m built. And it’s also what made me an effective News Director and an executive who could navigate chaos. In a crisis, you do want the person who runs toward the operating room, not away from it.

But not everything is surgery.

And if you answer every situation with surgical intensity, you unintentionally send a message you never meant to send:

“I don’t trust you.”“I don’t think you can handle it.”“You need me.”

That was never my intention, but intention and impact aren’t twins.

The Turning Point

In one of my leadership courses, the facilitator said something that rewired my instincts forever:

“When someone comes to your office, they’re not always asking you to fix it.”

My immediate reaction was, Then why would they come?

Because in my worldview, communication was synonymous with problem-solving.But in their worldview, communication might be synonymous with validation.Or collaboration.Or decompression.

What I was interpreting as a request for action was often simply a request for presence.

And then came the tool—simple, elegant, grounding. The kind of tool that stays with you because it frees you.

The Framework: Help. Hear. Handle.

From that day forward, before I jumped into “fix-it mode,” I’d ask:

1. Do you want me to HELP?

As in: brainstorm with you, think it through, be a partner in the process.

2. Do you want me to HEAR?

As in: hold space, listen, reflect back, let you vent or make meaning.

3. Do you want me to HANDLE?

As in: step in, intervene, take it off your plate, make the call, move the obstacle.

It sounds almost too simple—until you try it.

Because this one question forces clarity, preserves agency, and protects relationships from accidental overstepping. It prevents a leader’s instinct from becoming someone else’s disempowerment. It also builds confidence in others, because you’re giving them the room to rise.

Most importantly?It slows you down long enough to practice discernment over default.

Leadership Isn’t About Being the Strongest One in the Room

This framework taught me something I wish I had learned earlier:

Sometimes the most powerful thing a leader can do is strategically abstain.

Not because you don’t care.But because you care enough to let someone else grow.

Your job isn’t to be the fixer of all things—it’s to be the builder of people.

And people can’t grow if we’re constantly jumping in, patching up, or swooping down with answers. Sometimes the best leadership is the kind that steps back just enough to let others step forward.

Try It This Week

Professional coaches use a similar approach based on the principle of contracting — clarifying what the client wants before engaging. Some credit early coaching pioneers for popularizing this structure.

The next time someone brings you something—personal or professional—pause and ask:

“Do you want me to help, hear, or handle?”

And then honor their answer.

You’ll be shocked by how many times people simply want to be heard.

You’ll be humbled by how often people are fully capable of solving their own issue once they speak it out loud.

You’ll also be relieved to learn that not every problem needs to become your project.

This is where leadership matures:Not in the moment you jump in, but in the moment you choose not to.

Read about “The Brain Behind the Behavior”…

1. Habit Loops (Basal Ganglia):

Your strengths go into overdrive because the basal ganglia stores well-rehearsed behaviors as habit loops, making you default to fixing even when the moment calls for something else.

2. Dopamine Reward System:

Leaders often jump straight into solutions because the brain’s dopamine reward system reinforces problem-solving as success, making fixing feel urgent and satisfying even when it’s not what people need.

3. Co-Regulation (Polyvagal Theory):

People frequently want to be heard rather than helped because of co-regulation, where the nervous system calms simply through safe, attuned presence — long before a solution is necessary.

4. Self-Efficacy (Bandura):

Over-helping disempowers teams because it undermines self-efficacy, the belief in one’s own ability, which grows only when individuals solve problems themselves.

5. Cognitive Load Theory:

“Help, Hear, or Handle” works because it reduces cognitive load, freeing the brain from guessing and immediately clarifying the type of support someone is actually seeking.

6. Prefrontal Cortex Activation:

Pausing before responding strengthens leadership because it activates the prefrontal cortex, allowing thoughtful discernment to override the amygdala-driven impulse to fix everything fast.

TL;DR — Teri Arvesu | Leadership Framework: Help, Hear, or Handle

In this article, I, Teri Arvesu, explain a leadership framework I teach often because it transformed the way I lead. For years, my instinct was to solve problems immediately — a mix of my Restorative strength and my protective “mama bear” style. But a leadership training showed me that people don’t always want solutions; sometimes they want support, space, or shared thinking. The tool that changed everything is the question: “Do you want me to Help, Hear, or Handle?” I talk about this framework because it strengthens emotional intelligence, prevents leaders from accidentally disempowering their teams, improves communication, and builds confidence in others. It’s one of the core leadership practices I use and teach across my work.

Teri Arvesu González is the founder of The TAG Collab, a consultancy helping mission-driven companies align purpose, brand, and strategy from the inside out.

A Latina media executive with more than 25 years leading newsrooms in Miami and Chicago, she has launched national initiatives, built high-performing teams, and driven transformation across industries. She writes on Latina leadership, cultural duality, bicultural identity, and the neuroscience of resilience.

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