There has been a lot of talk lately about goals versus systems. Many times goals are thought of as something reached at an endpoint, something that can be checked off. The trouble with these types of goals is that a person can tend to be never satisfied. While the effort is being made to reach the goal, the joy of the moments along the way can be missed.

A system is seen more as how life is lived on a daily basis. Goals can be a part of this, but are not considered the major inspiration. Life as a system is more about habits and ongoing relationships. Goals are reached as one proceeds, but are not end points in the same way.

Consider going to play cards with friends. There may be a goal of arriving at a certain time, as well as intentions of sharing stories of the week and attempting to win the card game. However, all of these goals are really fluid steps in enjoying the relationships.

When it comes to work activities, a strict goal orientation will lead to frustration since there will always be more work to do. Clothes will get dirty. Food needs to be prepared. We get tired. Money gets spent. Having a system attitude toward these inevitabilities will help a lot. A system attitude helps you find a pace and set priorities in a sustainable way. It helps you be satisfied with how you interacted with your system regardless of particular goals reached in a given time period.

In the title of this article, I am trying to use the word goal in the sense developing personal priorities and standards. These types of goals are more about how choices are made and how people are treated, no matter what opportunities or challenges are faced. These are the sort of goals that form the foundation of how a person responds to disappointment or success.

To help our children set good personal goals, it helps to figure out what our goals as parents are. What is directing how we advise or praise our children? How well have we considered the signals we are giving them? Are we more concerned with how their choices make us look than how their choices will affect them? Are we spending enough time with them in ways that is deeply relational, rather than surface level, fast, and merely functional?

Another way to evaluate our goals for our children is whether the goals are related to real adult life. For example, learning music or playing on a sports team can be fun and healthy in many ways, but praise for such things is often out of proportion to usefulness. Should not the child who is diligent in learning to fix his own bicycle be equally encouraged. Too often parents reward activities associated with fame more than practical mundane habits that are likely to have a much longer impact on a child’s life.

Most of us are normal. That is, we won’t be famous or win grand awards. What we sometimes fail to understand is how rewarding