We love helping people. The psychological benefits are well known; we feel rewarded and valued; we like being needed and being the hero, the savior and the champ. It’s … nice. 

Unfortunately - all of those descriptions are about the benefits for YOU, not the person being helped. And there is a nuance to helping, where the reward, value and feelings of heroism need to be pushed to the back, and we need to be reminded that in order to properly help other people - the focus purely needs to be on them, not us, and they have to do a lot of the work. 

Beyond the fundamental aspects of helping others, there is a science. Helping people, and I mean PROPERLY helping people (not just dictating your opinions), requires a framework and guidelines. Fortunately for all of us - there are people who study this stuff. (Recommended reading: Helping by Edgar Schein).

Most of the advice we receive we don’t take. And the reason we don’t take it is because it’s coming from the perspective of the person giving it. And for a person that is being helped, we have to put the choices through our own lenses, with our own perspectives, and then we have to live the choices we make. Nobody else can make our decisions for us. 

So What’s Needed? 

We need a framework to help other people. And the guiding light to the framework is an understanding that in order to help people, we need to create an environment where the person helping and the person being helped have equal footing. Both need to be a part of the question, albeit with different roles and obligations. 

With that in mind, there are three things you need in place to offer your help:

Recognize: Every person is resourceful. No matter who you help, there needs to be a recognition of and expectation that they are resourceful and have value. A person’s problem is their own problem - and they have internal resources to fix it. Expecting them to do so, and recognizing their capability in doing so, leads to accountability on their end. 

Understand: Your role. Once you recognize a person’s resourcefulness, your role as a helper is to develop that resourcefulness through questions, support and challenge. That’s it. Unsolicited advice isn’t going to cut it. You are a guide, and the person being helped will push it. 

Allow: The person being helped to set the agenda. They are the ones with the resources and full story. Let them drive the conversation and bring everything they can to the table. For a person to truly be helped, they have to bring what they are working on. Again, you can’t dictate what a person needs help on (despite your opinions).

These three aspects of helping allow for accountability and nurture commitment. Properly helping others requires patience and time. It requires curiosity and a belief in the capability of others. We say that one of the greatest gifts we can give other people is our time - and that includes patiently shutting the hell up while they figure things out on their own. 

It’s one of the most effective managerial strategies out there. Think about it, and how you are currently helping people today. 

Have a great week!