Have you ever read a book that has you questioning your whole personality? Like, there you were, thinking yourself a unique individual, only to have some random author read you for filth?

This happened to me, recently, when I came across the following two books:

For those who haven’t gone as far down the self-help rabbit hole, “fawning” is the most recent addition to the Four Fs of Trauma Response:

* fight

* flight

* freeze

* fawn

Psychologist Pete Walker coined the term, describing it as “a response to a threat by becoming more appealing to the threat.” It’s being submissive and cute, giggling when you actually feel terrified. It’s probably the origin of fundie baby voice.

Fawners disconnect from our own needs to merge with the whims of a more powerful person. It’s a response common in people who grew up in volatile, abusive households. We’re great at reading rooms and terrible at reading ourselves.

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I’ve known for a long time that fawning was my primary response to stress, but only in reading these books did I realize how pervasive this trauma response was in my behaviors and desires. When I think about my pie-in-the sky dreams about writing, service work, or parenting, at the root of much of it is a desire for approval.

Has fawning become my entire personality? How much of my life is simply following a script I picked up in childhood?

At least I’m not alone in my reliance on autopilot. Recent research estimates that 65% of daily human behavior is performed simply out of habit rather than by conscious choice. Anyone who’s had a loved one with memory loss can testify to how often people repeat the same conversations (and even jokes!) word-for-word.

Even given that habits are a big part of getting through the day, I don’t want my life to be governed by trauma responses. I want to access my “higher self” and choose my behaviors. We could call this living intentionally, which is annoying thing yoga teachers say, but, nonetheless, has moral validity.

If intentionality is the countervailing force to reactivity, maybe “purpose” is the north star that all those intentions are steering towards? Or does the word “purpose” necessitate a creator making each human with one specific job in mind?

I reject the idea that we each have one, singular purpose in life—we’re human beings, not steak knives. But I also know that one tension of being human is that we want to be loved unconditionally AND we also want to be of use to our community.

After all, one thing that’s come up in the “boys are in trouble” discourse during the past few years is how many young men feel useless—our tech-charged consumer culture pushes them towards irresponsibility and pleasure-seeking, but they paradoxically need to feel needed by their communities. We all do!

So, if we’re to take the black-and-white, hellfire god out of the equation, maybe it would look like this:

Purpose = Values (or Ideals) + Being Useful to the Community + Deep Joy

Thoughts?

By the way, I loved reading your comments from last week. You guys are so smart! The big takeaways for me were:

* y’all hate Rick Warren with the fire of a thousand suns

* many of you tend to focus more on living by a set of values than purpose

* I need to read Martin Luther on vocation

As always, I’d love to hear what you think. Do you like my “purpose” equation? How do you orient yourself towards your values? What’s your North Star?

It’s 2026 and I feel completely unprepared. What is this year? What are we doing? After entertaining my kids all through Christmas break, I could use a vacation. But while I’d rather be hibernating and procrasti-baking, life continues apace!

In this time of new year’s resolutions and grand plans, I’ve been thinking about purpose—as in, do we all have one? Just one? And who gets to decide such a thing?

Answers were simpler before I deconstructed my faith. When I was confirmed, I had to recite answers to the Westminster Catechism including this exchange:

Q: “What is the chief end of man?”

A: “To glorify God and enjoy Him forever.”

Even as an eager-to-please 11-year-old, this answer struck me as fishy. Didn’t people spend their whole lives trying to figure out the meaning of life? Was I just supposed to accept the Westminster Catechism at face value and never seek out the answers for myself?

Then, as now, that was very much NOT MY VIBE.

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As I grew older and entered into more Evangelical spaces, capital-P Purpose got further dumbed down. There were worship songs and ranting prayers about being “tools for God” and letting God “use” us.

Being used by God was, in that worldview, the best-case scenario. In my Calvinist upbringing, we were taught that humans were inherently evil and incapable of doing good. Ergo, the only way to escape this cycle of evil was to hollow oneself out, become a mere vessel for the will of God.

And since we were inherently evil, our intuition couldn’t be trusted; joy was suspect. We couldn’t count on our own feelings to point us towards purpose! Instead, we ought to obey a higher calling—whatever that was. Obedience was the only way to be safe, and suffering was evidence of a job well done.

It’s a black-and-white, all-or-nothing kind of life, either you’re following God’s mysterious plan for your life (probably to become a missionary) or risking his wrath.

It’s telling that, in no other relationship, would we be okay with this kind of rhetoric. Imagine your friend was dating a guy who repeatedly told her she was evil and couldn’t do anything right. Imagine she tells you that her only desire is to be “used” by him.

We would call that abuse.

I know all this, and yet, it’s hard to un-learn this “I’m a piece of shit” theology. When I ask questions about purpose, is it out of fear of an angry god? Or is it just the garden-variety imposter syndrome of a middle-aged freelancer?

So, this month I want to look at Purpose:

* Does everyone have a purpose?

* If so, do we have one purpose, or many?

* Who determines that purpose? If it’s us, how do we know it’s a good one?

* Is believing in purpose just an anxiety response?

* Or is seeking purpose an innate desire to connect with something higher/outside of ourselves?

* How do you know if you’re fulfilling your purpose?

* Should I read Rick Warren’s best-selling The Purpose-Driven Life and report back?

I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts on this—via email, text, or the comments section. What should I be reading/listening to/thinking about re: purpose?

Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

We’re in that odd spot in the calendar, the week between Christmas and New Year’s. The excitement of Christmas has faded but the kids are still out of school and many adults (such as myself) are kicking around the house feeling like we ought to be doing something, but what?

I used to dread this post-Christmas break, but in recent years, I’ve actually started to look forward to it. Partly this is due to my kids being older and needing less rainy day entertainment from me, but I also have come to think of this week as a time to check-in and reset.

So, while the world is quieter and life feels slower, I’d love to hear your ideas for what to do in this post-Christmas lull. Do you have a favorite New Year’s ritual? How do you relax and recharge? Let’s crowdsource our ideas in the comment section below! I’ll kick us off with some of my favorite activities for this time of year.

* Rest without guilt: hey you! You’re a mammal, right? And you know what many mammals do this time of year? Hibernate! The human version may look like eating leftovers on the couch while watching sappy movies. Embrace the term “Dead Week” and resist the urge to be productive. That’s some next-week energy.

* Prep work: Yeah, I know I just advocated resting. Feel free to opt out of this one, but, if you’re type-A like me, you know the deepest relaxation comes when you feel prepared. What would make you feel like you’re ready the next season? Is it swapping out your warm weather clothes from the closet? Doing a big meal plan and compiling a grocery list?

Personally, I love to do a closet purge right after Christmas and ogle the storage stuff at The Container Store while fantasizing about how organized I will be in the new year. A girl can dream, right?

* Reflection time: Maybe this means taking a yoga class or doing a “first day hike.” Maybe it’s journaling or pulling some tarot cards. Can you take some time to give yourself credit for all that you accomplished last year with a reverse to-do list? Instead of trying to shame ourselves into changing via new year’s resolutions, how about coming up with a “word of the year” that reflects how you want to show up in 2026?

* Coziness: what are the things that would help you enjoy the dark and cold? Candles or twinkle lights? Big sweaters and blankets? A lasagna in the oven or a stew on the stovetop? Planning a board game or movie night?

* Witchy Stuff: I’m pretty new to this, but I’m enjoying trying out rituals from various Instagram witches. Will you bury a piece of bread in the ground to call forth abundance in the new year? Maybe burn some rosemary?

Now it’s your turn, how are you celebrating “Dead Week”? Share your ideas and wishes in the comments.

BONUS MATERIALS:

* this hilarious vid for those of you contemplating The Artist’s Way this new year

* a little inspo from Joseph Yoo

Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Hi, I’m back. It’s been odd, not writing to you weekly this fall, even as launching and serializing my novel have been huge, bucket-list items for me.

I’m looking forward to getting back into this weekly rhythm, even though it is CHRISTMAS and I am a MOM, so I’m also staring down a to-do list a mile long and my husband and I are having to engage quantum physics to coordinate logistics for all our kids’ activities and, on top of all that I CAN’T FIND MY TRANSIT CARD!!?! (Seriously, where is it???)

I am a Christmas-lover, I want to decorate and party and wrap gifts while drinking a festive cocktail under the glow of my Christmas tree. I want to embrace the coziness and make magical memories and pass on traditions to my kids. AND YET, life is continuing to life.

I think of this as the Hallmark Christmas problem:

Complicated Family Relationships + Sky-High Expectations + “Mandatory” Traditions + Added Expenses + The Same 24 Hours in a Day = Guaranteed Disappointment

Nobody in a Hallmark movie ever has to deal with their packages getting delivered to the wrong house or a hormonal tween who suddenly HATES decorating the Christmas tree and thinks it is SO CRINGE, MOM!!!

(No shade to those of you who love these movies—I know plenty of people who like them because they are unrealistic.)

But even apart from all the stresses of this time of year, part of me wonders if it’s even right to celebrate when there are so many awful things going on in the world.

I mean, we have our share of tragedies: ICE raids, Trump chaos, Gazans living in flooded refugee camps…I could go on! Here in western Washington, many folks are suffering huge losses from ongoing floods.

Are we just supposed to pretend the bad stuff isn’t happening? Sometimes it feels like a single negative emotion wanders through your brain in December you are FAILING AT CHRISTMAS.

This is where the picture-perfect fantasy Christmas falls short: life isn’t beautiful because it’s flawless, it’s the flaws that make us appreciate the beauty. Is it disappointing that my kid refused to participate in tree decorating? Sure. And also, I wouldn’t trade my sarcastic, cantankerous tween for any wide-eyed Hallmark tyke.

So, instead of micromanaging Christmas magic, this year I’m going to try:

* Setting my expectations lower: no, however low you’re thinking, lower than that.

* Not running from negativity: embrace the parts of Christmas that just suuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I’m looking at you, 8-hour drive on I-90.

* Prioritizing: pick a few things that matter most to you and your family over being pressured to adhere to “traditions.” And yes, this will cause drama. Stay strong!

Am I arguing for Depressing Christmas? Not exactly. Instead, I propose a holiday season that holds space for the “and-ness,” of life as I like to call it: life is beautiful and horrible, funny and sad; it’s absurd and it makes sense. I wrote about experiencing this and-ness watching the sunrise the morning after my brother died.

Interestingly enough, the OG Christmas story has plenty of darkness: accusations of infidelity, difficult travels, and, oh yeah, a massacre of babies. It’s a far cry from the sanitized version that’s so often printed on Christmas cards.

Or, to put it in less religious terms: sometimes I think we get so focused on the candles and Christmas lights that we look past the (metaphorical and literal) darkness of this season. But ignoring the darkness doesn’t make our holidays brighter. Only embracing the duality of the season will do that: life is beautiful and hard. Christmas is magical and disappointing. People are hurting and still I can feel joy.

Wishing you all and beautiful, hard, real holiday season.

Questions: What holiday traditions would you like to let go of? What are you looking forward to? What are you grieving this holiday season? Also, WHERE IS MY TRANSIT CARD???

BONUS MATERIALS:

* in case you missed a chapter during the Manly Man of God inbox deluge, here’s the completed Table of Contents, with links to all the chapters!

* friend of the ‘stack, Jen Zug is hosting a Safe Space to Complain About Holiday Overwhelm! Join us!

* I’m typically a “classics only” Christmas music person, but this music video was too funny (and real!) to pass up

Heretic Hereafter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Dearest listener,

This book has been free to read, but it wasn’t free to make. If you’ve been enjoying this series, please support the work by buying a copy or becoming a paid subscriber to this newsletter.

During our Black Friday Sale, get the Kindle edition only for $2.99! Or in paperback for $13.99!

Dearest listener,

This book has been free to read, but it wasn’t free to make. If you’ve been enjoying this series, please support the work by buying a copy or becoming a paid subscriber to this newsletter.

During our Black Friday Sale, get the Kindle edition only for $2.99! Or in paperback for $13.99!

Dearest listener,

This book has been free to read, but it wasn’t free to make. If you’ve been enjoying this series, please support the work by buying a copy or becoming a paid subscriber to this newsletter.

During our Black Friday Sale, get the Kindle edition only for $2.99! Or in paperback for $13.99!

Dearest listener,

This book has been free to read, but it wasn’t free to make. If you’ve been enjoying this series, please support the work by buying a copy or becoming a paid subscriber to this newsletter.

During our Black Friday Sale, get the Kindle edition only for $2.99! Or in paperback for $13.99!

Dearest listener,

This book has been free to read, but it wasn’t free to make. If you’ve been enjoying this series, please support the work by buying a copy or becoming a paid subscriber to this newsletter.

During our Black Friday Sale, get the Kindle edition only for $2.99! Or in paperback for $13.99!

Dearest listener,

This book has been free to read, but it wasn’t free to make. If you’ve been enjoying this series, please support the work by buying a copy or becoming a paid subscriber to this newsletter.

During our Black Friday Sale, get the Kindle edition only for $2.99! Or in paperback for $13.99!