“It’s segments like this, where the listener can’t see what we’re talking about, that’re gonna make us really successful.”

“Think of run and bat value as the aggregate of all components of run expectancy, which encompasses the on-field results on a situation-by-situation basis. The following fields relate more to the one-on-one pitcher/hitter relationships and the isolated outcomes from that. It includes things the pitcher controls (BB%, velocity, whiffs) and the batter responds with (exit velocity, K%, bat outcomes) to create expected outcomes (the x___ stats at the top). These get compared to the reality of the overall pitching/hitting value to see if the two are moving in tandem. Hancock is a good case where he’s outperforming his underlying metrics, connoting some elemt of luck in his outcomes. Gilbert is fun. Bottom-tier barrel rate, ground ball rate, and exit velocity means when they’re hitting it, they’re hitting it hard and in the air. Hence, home runs; hence, WHIP merchant.”

-Zander

3:47: Evaluating Matt Damon’s performance in “The Odyssey”

7:40: The Josh Naylor-Colt Emerson beef

13:48: Zander breaks down Josh Naylor’s deterioration by reading his Baseball Savant stats page

20:25: Trying to pronounce Andrew Benintendi’s name

24:00: Alex talks about the meals he ate on Monday

31:05: Glazing Ryan Divish

31:15: Shitting on Adam Jude

31:30: Indecipherable segment

32:00: Debriefing Caleb Ferguson’s outing from Monday

32:45: Niche reference to coed softball league

“That’s exactly what Hoffman Dinger Co. thought when I came up there left-handed the other day.”

Link to Baseball Savant’s player comparison tool.

Song selection: “I Am a Man of Constant Sorrow (feat. John Turturo, Tim Blake Nelson, Chris Thomas King),” by George Clooney

As Major League Baseball reaches the All-Star Break, Zander, Jack, Alex, and Nicholas sit down around the Blue Mic and offer first-half letter grades for each of the Mariners’ positions across the diamond. Mind the weird whooshing feedback.

5:45 — Starting Pitching: B

“None of our pitchers is a ‘guy.’” -Nick

8:00 — Relief Pitching: C

“I can’t lose sight of who I am as a baseball observer: negative and against analytics.” -Alex

10:00 — Catcher: F

“That Pereda stretch was a lot of fun, though, guys. Let’s not forget about that.” -Alex

12:00 — First Base: D

“He just sucks. He went from being like—just like a fun, kind of unique body shape, like fun guy, played hard—to just rolling over and sucking.” -Alex

13:15 — Second Base: A

“How many kids do you think he’ll have in the 20th year of that contract?” -Jack

“Probably like 7 bro. He’s a dog.” -Alex

16:37.5 — Third Base: B+

“Are we sure that Donovan’s not the guy outside of T-Mobile with the blowhorn, talking about Jesus? That guy’s got long hair and a beard too.” -Jack

14:15 — Shortstop: C

“Have we seen enough from him to call him a bust?” -Nick

“Yes.” -Alex

19:45 — Left Field: A

“He’s about as low on the eye test as you can get.” -Zander

“Honestly, Jesse Winker and him, it’s a coin flip in left field.” -Jack

21:35 — Center Field: B+

"Shiv and him have a lot in common. Similar frame. Kind eyes.” -Alex

22:50 — Right Field: N/A

“He’d have to hit like .650 the rest of the year to break .200.” -Alex

“Just a disgusting player.” -Nick

“He is—he has been the—. He is ‘F.’” -Jack

“He’s the worst batter in Dipoto history.” -Zander

25:00 — Manager: D-

“Has he ever managed a baseball team at any level before this?” -Nick

“He was in the Reds’ system.” -Zander

25:15 — Front Office:

“I’m starting to think Dipoto’s a little limited, man.” -Jack

Listen, I know how little I know about this shit. My laundry smells more like privilege than it does shit, cat piss, or spliff smoke. I mean we barely even know anything about the Mariners which is something we spend like six hours of our days obsessing over. Well, Zander knows quite a bit. We know how to complain about them, at least. But how could I possibly be expected to know about mere trifles like the war in Iran or Spirit Airlines, topics I only know about by the way they are described in New York Times headlines?

Fortunately, Hayden shows up to save the day and share some of the opinions that current elected Democrats have decided are appropriate. He’s super knowledgeable about this shit, it appears, as are Zander and Alex and Jack, honestly. I think before you crucify us/me for our/my ignorance, though, please be honest with yourself.

2:00 — Shaming Marine Layer podcast listeners

5:45 — U.S.’s role in the Iran War-New York Mets analogy (Maptap-sponsored section)

6:00 — Price of gas venting

11:00 — The Italian-American Baseball Asset Relief Program

14:00 — Spirt Airlines shutdown

18:30 — Evaluating the first attempted assassination of Trump

22:00 — North Korea

26:00 — Hayden explains how single-payer healthcare works in Europe

30:00 — AIPAC

42:00 — the Jordan-Tatum GOAT debate

44:00 — John Stanton v. Bill Clinton ‘Huzz Debate’

45:15 — Alex puts forth perhaps the worst take of the year about Kirby (this was recorded on May 14)

46:30 — Luis Castillo: Hemorrhoid or polyp

My grandpa died of colon cancer and I have hemorrhoids so it’s appropriate for me to talk about that.

I didn’t even deign to edit this one because it was so bad. But I think it’s hilariously bad enough to post anyway. Plus we’re desperate to get content out. Stay tuned while we figure out how to use the microphone I bought from Eli at Guitar Center. Shout out Eli, by the way. Great guy. Need to go see his movie soon.

This is not a podcast you should listen to if…

* You have anything to do OR

* You are affiliated with me professionally in any remote understanding of the word

* AND you care about professionalism

OR

C. You hate The Wall.

Please leave in the comments if you think I/we should change our name(s) on here so they don’t reflect who we are professionally. I’m thinking some sort of pseduonym (i.e., Nigel Williamson???). Also, mailbag: [email protected]. Drop some comments about whether or not you think Nick should get ***********.

Thanks for reading this horseshit and potentially even listening to it! This post is public, so feel free to share it.

The Dylan Moore Award for Shittiest Infielder: Cole Young

The Jesse Winker/Taylor Trammell Award for Worst Outfielder: Luke Raley

The Luis Castillo Award for Most Hated Starting Pitcher: Bryce Miller

The Matt Festa Award for Least Trustworthy Reliever: Carlos Vargas

The Jesse Winker Award for Most Disappointing Acquisition: Rob Refsnyder

The JP Crawford Award for Shittiest Every Day Starting Position Player: Leo Rivas

The Teoscar Hernandez Award for Best Former Mariner Player on a Different Team: Eugenio Suarez

The Cal Raleigh Award for Least Shitty hitter: Brendan Donovan

The Felix Hernandez Award for Not Yet Shitty Pitcher: Brian Woo

The Jesse Winker Award for Shittiest Defender: Randy Arozarena

The John Stanton Award for Most Deceitful MLB Owner: John Stanton

“This isn’t a place for people to get reliable news, right? You know, that’s not this platform. That’s why they have other platforms — is for that kind of thing.”

“You’re reading a bedtime story, and you have the paper behind your kid’s head, and you’re rolling while you’re reading. I wonder if my dad ever did that — how cool would that be?”

“I’m sure a lot of our listeners are hitting that [Pagliaci] Wednesday BOGO discount.”

“I was at a game where [Carlos Vargas] was in the bullpen, and we were walking past him in the stadium, and he was talking to Honeys.”

This podcast was recorded on Friday, December 12, approximately 18 hours before Jorge Polanco signed with the Mets. You can see the results of our discussion on the whiteboard pictured above, or you can save 40 minutes and look at it below. For posterity’s sake, we’ll keep Jorge Polanco in there.

* Steven Kwan LF (Traded in the offseason for OF Lazaro Montes)

* Ketel Marte 2B (Traded in the offseason for SS Colt Emerson, 2B Cole Young)

* Cal Raleigh C

* Julio Rodriguez CF

* Josh Naylor 1B

* Haruki Murakami 3B (Signed in the offseason for 5 years, $100 million)

* Jorge Polanco DH (Signed in the offseason for 4 years, $56 million)

* Randy Arozarena RF

* JP Crawford SS

Brian Woo SP

Keep in mind, this is a fantasy world

Was it the no-trade clause? Was it Vue Lounge? Or was it the elite assortment of private school options in the greater Seattle area?

The guys sit down and get to the bottom of just what, exactly, a ‘no-trade clause’ even means.

M.A.D. Unlimited is not really worth your time. To support this work and have your email inundated with meaningless, pick-me articles, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

At the end of the day, John Stanton will continue to profit off his players and refrain from paying them as much as he can afford because he makes more money that way, and he knows that, deep down, as much as fans may gripe and be upset about that, he will continue to get away with it because fans won’t do anything tangible to try to make him change his strategy because, at the end of the day, they’re all rational actors just like he is, and they understand that nothing is actually at stake, so it’s not worth their time to put any effort into changing things because the success of a baseball team is inherently meaningless. And baseball games will still be fun to go to.