Dear Cary,

I didn't know who my father was until I was 44. The “father” I had was a man who married my mother when I was 2, and adopted me when I was 6. I found out at 14 that he wasn't my father, but my mom still didn't tell me about the real one. She made up yet another story, and that was all I had until age 44.
So I'm 55 and I still want a father. I joke that my mother-needs are filled by my therapist, and that I just need a male therapist to take care of my father longing, but my question is, how do I find a father? Not an actual one, I don't think; but how can I learn to function as a good father to myself? What would that even mean? What do I do with this long absence of a father? I think I look for one in every man I've dated or been close friends with.
Dear Hanna,

You don’t get to pick your father, of course.

But what if you did? Whom would you pick? What characteristics would he have? What would you want or need from a father, if you could pick one? ...

Support the show