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We need to remember that the health of our body when we want to heal from binge-eating, depression or anything, is that we need to get our whole system on board. It wouldn’t make sense to start a journey on an airplane with part of it damaged or under construction, would it? Not at all. It’s weird when we talk about these thing in tangible, relatable terms. We would never, with out good judgement, start a journey on a plane that was not fully functional. So why do we often think we should make different choices with the health of our bodies? 

If you’re not sure what I ‘m getting at, I’ll share a little more with you. 

My Story

I was 16 years old when I began throwing up my food. At first it was because I wanted to prevent weight gain when starting to work at a fast-food restaurant. 

Unfortunately, this was not a phase for me. My habit evolved and I became addicted to food to cope with my emotions over time.

I graduated high school and began college. If you’ve ever been through college classes, you know it’s a committement. You have to be mindful about how you set up your life when you are in a college course work. 

I became stressed out as I was working, living in my aunts basement, and working towards completing my nursing degree. I would often drive past 2-3 places to pick up food on the way home from work or class. I’m ashamed to admit it, but this was my way of decompressing. Destressing. 

I began therapy for the first time when I was in nursing school as well. It would be a challenge to heal while focusing on so much at once. I was thinking “I’m worth it, and this part of my life has to go”. They didn’t require me to be hospitalized or placed in an Inpatient program. Part of me wished it had so I would have had the accountability. 

I dropped out when I I became unable to pay the therapy bills. They were wracking up and I was still paying tuition and rent and other living expenses. I thought to myself…I’ll have to try this again when I am more on my feet. I felt so defeated but also happy in a weird way. I could still use my comfort and stress management technique. Food.. and then heading to the bathroom. 

I was so embarrassed about this. It was my deepest, darkest secret that I would only tell people I profoundly trusted. I am not even telling you the darkest parts that my family walked through with me together. 

the Re-Do

In 2016 I decided to head to therapy again. I was in a serious relationship and we were planning to get married. Knowing that I wanted to heal this thing once and for all, I became more mentally and financially prepared. I went back to therapy and a different facility. Outpatient, with a psychiatrist, a therapist, a physicians assistant, a dietician…how could I fail this time?

8 months in and I found myself on the highest dose of prozac I’d been on, ever. X3 the amount I had been started on by my doctor the year prior. I had gained more weight from my bingeing habits, and poorly managed stress, and no self-control or seeming capability to shift my lifestyle and my behaviors. Why was it that I was failing therapy again? The bills were still over my financial means and…and with a wedding to pay for and what seemed like no progress whatsoever…..I dropped out again. I was not over it, but I was over THIS WAY. 

Why wasn’t it working for me?? I am a problem-solver and someone who never gives up, but at this point I was praying for a miracle from God, but believing that I would always be stuck with this in some sort of way. I believed it would get better, and then come back…my entire life. 

I couldn’t have been more wrong. In less than a year from dropping out, I had healed with complete remission for the first t