In this episode of Hears How, we talk about suicide and its emotional aftermath. If this topic is sensitive for you, please take care of yourself — whether that means pressing pause or choosing another episode.

Remember that help is available, you are not alone, and your life matters.

• For the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, call or text 988
• To reach the Crisis Text Line, text HOME to 741741
• Visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention for additional resources 

Journalist and author Rachel Zimmerman met Seth Teller in her mid-30s. 

“He was a devoted father to our 8 and 11 year old daughters,” she shares. “He was a tenured professor of robotics at MIT. He was very close with his family.” 

Rachel and Seth were together for 15 years, married for 12.

“That’s partially why it felt so out of the blue,” Rachel says. “From the outside, it looked like he had a charmed life.”

In this profoundly moving episode, Rachel opens up about her search for answers, drawing from her book "Us, After: A Memoir of Love and Suicide." She shares the grief, guilt, confusion, and ultimately, the resilience that followed her loss.

“The questions were, ‘Why did he do this?’” she says. “'What was going on in his brain?’ And also, of course, the flip side of that, which is, ‘Could I have stopped it?’ And, ‘Did I miss the signs?’”

This conversation is about the messiness of grief, the stigma that surrounds suicide, and the slow, sacred return of joy. It’s about a mother rebuilding a life for her daughters, and it’s a reminder that we can survive the unimaginable.

“Grief does not unfold in tidy stages; it lurches,” Rachel says. “It isn’t, ‘At first you’ll feel this, then it’ll move to this and then it’ll be this and you’ll never feel that first thing again.’ It’s messy and ugly and not fair. And you feel all of these things, and it’s okay. And it does get better.”

In this episode:

1:40 Rachel and Seth’s life together: “He loved being a hero to the girls.”

3:57 Signs: “It wasn’t the signs we typically look for, but I think in retrospect, there were other signs.”

5:14 Rachel's search for answers: “I really believed that finding answers would give me some form of relief.”

8:33 What Rachel learned in her interviews with doctors and experts

10:45 Rachel interviews Leonard, a man who attempted suicide: “I thought maybe he would unlock this truth about what he was thinking right before.”

13:10 Rachel’s stopping point: “I am never going to understand it fully.”

14:26 Reclaiming joy: “Let’s allow pleasure and joy to come back in.’"

17:54 Rachel’s advice for people who have lost their spouses: “It does get better…and you need to ask for help.”

20:13 Final thoughts: “Obviously it was a disaster and caused tremendous pain. But in the back of my mind, as I was writing, the good was that we survived and thrived and found joy again.”  

More:

For more of Rachel’s story, read her book, “Us, After,” and visit her website.