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How to Fine Tune Your Child’s Sense of Fairness
[Week 21 of 52 Weeks to a Better Relationship With Your Child]
Why do children say its not fair?
The claim, “That’s not fair!” will almost certainly come out of a child’s mouth at some point. A parent should be prepared to respond. It is important to address the child’s claim without being manipulated by it. So the first step is for the parent to have a clear idea of what fairness is and how that can be applied to family life.
My father did a good job of dealing with my concerns about fairness as a child, so I felt prepared for this as a parent. When it came up with my children, I told them that they were each different and so we would be meeting their needs differently. Not all things could be equal, because they were each unique. It was made clear that we loved them all equally, which was why we would go to the effort to make individualized decisions for them.
It can be helpful to read through the definitions of fair in the dictionary. For this application, it can be summarized as meaning “just and honest, according to rules (of the household and of how we should all treat one another), and without giving preference to one’s own interests.” If a child is old enough, this can be a jumping off point for helping them understand decisions that they claim are unfair.
A child typically means all or one of three things when they claim something is not fair:
Manipulation or honest question?
Even a young child can often benefit from pondering their own claim. A parent can calmly and confidently ask the child to explain himself. What is not fair and why does he think it is not fair? The point is not to argue, but the child may need some help realizing that you are not asking because you need to defend your decision. The point is so that they can learn. Before a fruitful discussion can proceed, a child has to be able to be honest.
A parent can guide them to giving honest answers by not being defensive or angry. If the child is stubborn about answering, then the parent can decline to talk about it at the moment, but indicate availability when the child will be humble and kind.
Who deserves what?
If the primary concern is jealousy (1. I want it, too), it should not be too difficult to come up with examples of times when the complaining child got something or was able to do something when someone else didn’t. Does everyone have to have all the exact same things – exact same number of clothes, exact amount of time talking with friends, or the exact same flavor of ice cream – for everything to be fair?
If it is an issue between siblings, the matt
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By Laura Blodgett[Week 21 of 52 Weeks to a Better Relationship With Your Child]
Why do children say its not fair?
The claim, “That’s not fair!” will almost certainly come out of a child’s mouth at some point. A parent should be prepared to respond. It is important to address the child’s claim without being manipulated by it. So the first step is for the parent to have a clear idea of what fairness is and how that can be applied to family life.
My father did a good job of dealing with my concerns about fairness as a child, so I felt prepared for this as a parent. When it came up with my children, I told them that they were each different and so we would be meeting their needs differently. Not all things could be equal, because they were each unique. It was made clear that we loved them all equally, which was why we would go to the effort to make individualized decisions for them.
It can be helpful to read through the definitions of fair in the dictionary. For this application, it can be summarized as meaning “just and honest, according to rules (of the household and of how we should all treat one another), and without giving preference to one’s own interests.” If a child is old enough, this can be a jumping off point for helping them understand decisions that they claim are unfair.
A child typically means all or one of three things when they claim something is not fair:
Manipulation or honest question?
Even a young child can often benefit from pondering their own claim. A parent can calmly and confidently ask the child to explain himself. What is not fair and why does he think it is not fair? The point is not to argue, but the child may need some help realizing that you are not asking because you need to defend your decision. The point is so that they can learn. Before a fruitful discussion can proceed, a child has to be able to be honest.
A parent can guide them to giving honest answers by not being defensive or angry. If the child is stubborn about answering, then the parent can decline to talk about it at the moment, but indicate availability when the child will be humble and kind.
Who deserves what?
If the primary concern is jealousy (1. I want it, too), it should not be too difficult to come up with examples of times when the complaining child got something or was able to do something when someone else didn’t. Does everyone have to have all the exact same things – exact same number of clothes, exact amount of time talking with friends, or the exact same flavor of ice cream – for everything to be fair?
If it is an issue between siblings, the matt