Listen. Someone once said, “God gave you two ears and one mouth. That should tell you something.” Does God really want us to listen twice as much as we speak? It’s not a bad ratio.

In the previous episode, I discussed the need to focus on the relationship during conflict. Tied closely to that need, we need to develop our listening skills.

Listening shows humility and meekness. It is vital to KINDNESS too.

“So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”James 1:19

“In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise.”Proverbs 10:19

“He who has knowledge spares his words, and a man of understanding is of a calm spirit. Even a fool is counted wise when he holds his peace; when he shuts his lips,  he is considered perceptive.”Proverbs 17:27-28

Here are 7 tips to listen better.

* Look at them while they are talking to you. This gets on the nerves of older people sometimes when younger people do not look at them. It is common courtesy. If you refuse to look at someone then you are telling them that it does not really matter if you do not understand what they are saying. Why? Because much of our communication comes from body language. And if you do not look at their body language, you may miss what they are saying. To refuse to look at them, then sends a message you may not want to send.* Do not try to think of your response while they are talking to you. That is one of the quickest ways to ruin a conversation. If you are having a conflict, you can settle it much more quickly if you LISTEN to what they are saying. This includes NOT assuming you know what they are going to say.* Be genuinely interested in them and what they have to say. You may have heard it before and it may be a boring topic to you, but you can find THEM interesting even if the subject may not be. Endure it for a while and find a way to change the subject if needed. This really helps in times of conflict. Acting bored or annoyed can cause others to respond aggressively or even to pull back and refuse to talk about it anymore.* Notice differences in words between what you are saying and what the other person is saying. Sometimes conflicts come because we are talking about different things and assuming they are the same.* Keep an open mind–this is time to gather information, not make judgments. You don’t have all the facts yet, which is why you are listening to them. So seek to understand, not to overcome.* Repeat back what they say, in your own words, to be sure you understood and to show them that you are listening. This is very helpful in tense situations!* Give people the benefit of the doubt. Don’t assume the worst way to interpret their words, especially after the discussion is over. Reading back into the situation can cause more damage.

Listening is not all-powerful. There may still be much work to do in a conflict, but it is a great way to get to a resolution.

It is also a way to show kindness. That’s because you recognize the value of the person in the relationship and are working to be sure you understand him or her. That helps you to be able to function in your role toward them–that role of service and love.