There’s a grief that happens when you lose someone you love. And then there’s the grief of returning to a world that didn’t lose them. The return can feel brutal. Your world has changed. Theirs has not.

Maybe you’re walking back into work, sliding into your old pew at church, or trying to keep it together at the school drop-off line. Wherever it is, it probably feels surreal. Like you’re moving through water, fog, or some dimension that no longer fits your skin. And the hardest part? People don’t know what to say. So they either say too much or nothing at all. I’m not sure which is worse.

The Grief No One Prepares You For

One of the cruelest ironies of modern life is how little space we’re given to grieve. Three days off for bereavement. Five, if your company’s generous. As if the death of your spouse, child, parent, or dearest friend could be over in a long weekend. As if you’ll be back Monday with fresh eyes, ready to climb back on the hamster wheel.

And when you do come back, you may find that people are uncomfortable with your sadness. I know someone who was pulled into her manager's office and told her visible grief was upsetting her coworkers. She had lost her child.

Let that sink in.

What do we do with a culture that asks you to make your grief palatable?

The Awkward Questions and Painful Clichés

The questions will come. Sometimes gentle. Sometimes jarringly personal.

"How are you really?""Do you think you’ll have another baby?""Are you planning to date?"

Then there are the cliches that people offer, like life rafts. But they’re life rafts full of holes. Here are a few examples and gentle ways to respond:

* "Everything happens for a reason."Response: "Some things just break us open. I’m still learning how to live with the pieces."

* "God needed another angel."Response: "I’m not sure that comforts me right now, but I know you mean well."

* "At least they’re in a better place."Response: "I’d rather have them here."

* "You can have another child."Response: "My child can never be replaced."

* "You’re young—you’ll find someone else."Response: "Right now, I’m just trying to survive this loss."

* "Time heals all wounds."Response: "Time changes things, maybe. But some wounds become a part of who we are. Right now, the wound is here and raw."

Most people mean well. They just don’t know how to sit in pain without trying to fix it.

You’re Allowed to Protect Your Peace

It’s okay to protect your peace. You don’t have to protect people from your grief.

You can nod politely and change the subject. You can say, "I know that was meant with kindness. Thank you." You can say, "I’m not ready to talk about that." You can say nothing at all.

You do not have to engage in every conversation. You do not have to comfort others in your moment of pain. You do not have to perform your grief in a way that makes anyone else feel better.

Your grief belongs to you. Guard it. Tend to it. Let it breathe on your terms.

You don’t owe anyone your grief story. Don’t talk about it until you’re good and ready.

How to Anchor Yourself Before You Go Back

Here are a few ways to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for stepping back into public life:

* Plan your exits. You’re allowed to leave early. You’re allowed to ghost. You’re allowed to change your mind.

* Ground yourself. Wear something that brings you comfort. Carry a small token that connects you to your person. It might be wearing their ring on a necklace. Breathe before you go in.

* Recruit backup. Have someone you can text if things get overwhelming. A lifeline.

* Script your responses. Practice a few lines that help you feel more in control when the questions come.

When the Tears Come

You might cry at your desk. In the bathroom. In the break room. In your car. You might cry so hard your chest hurts and your makeup smears. So what?

Emotional tears contain higher levels of stress hormones (like ACTH and leucine enkephalin, a natural painkiller) and prolactin, the hormone also involved in emotional bonding. Crying these tears helps the body regulate and release stress.

So when you cry from grief, your body is literally trying to heal itself. It's not just sadness spilling out. It's chemistry working on your behalf.

Let’s be clear: it is not your job to manage anyone else’s emotions.

Tears are normal. Expected. Necessary. You are not unprofessional or unstable—you are grieving. And if the room can’t hold your sorrow, that says more about the room than it does about you.

Do not be embarrassed by your tears. Don’t let anyone shame you for your sadness. You’re not weak. You’re grieving. If someone else is uncomfortable with your humanity, that’s theirs to carry, not yours.

You might spend your whole first day back crying. That doesn’t mean you failed. That means you showed up. That is strength.

You Get to Move at Your Own Pace

Grief isn’t linear. It doesn’t obey calendars or policies. You might feel okay one minute and shattered the next. You might feel numb for weeks, then fall apart over a song in the grocery store. There is no wrong way to grieve.

So go gently. Lower your expectations. Give yourself credit for every small victory. Getting dressed, answering an email, making it to a meeting, saying no to a conversation you’re not ready for— these are all victories.

You Don’t Have to Be Healed to Show Up

The truth is, the world will never be the same. And neither will you. That’s not a flaw—it’s a fact of love. You’re learning how to walk with a part of your heart missing.

But you are still here. Still breathing. Still loving. Still finding your way.

That is enough.

If you’ve walked this road, what helped you get through the early days of returning to public life? What do you wish people had said—or not said? Share your thoughts, or pass this along to someone who might need it today.

Let’s create a gentler world, one honest conversation at a time.

Purchase a 3-minute meditation to help you prepare for the day or if you just need a break

🔒 Bonus for Paid Subscribers: How to Set Boundaries While Grieving—Without Guilt

Paid subscribers get access to:

* Tips for setting boundaries

* 5 simple boundary setting scripts for various situations

* A journal prompt

* Self-compassion checklist for the end of the day

* A guided meditation to prepare you for grief days as you go back into public

Grief changes your capacity—mentally, emotionally, and physically. And yet, the world keeps making demands. People might expect you to reply to texts, attend gatherings, smile through meetings, or explain how you're doing when you barely know yourself.

Here’s the truth: you have the right to set boundaries without guilt.

Start here:

* "I'm not up for talking today, but I appreciate you checking in."

* "Thank you for the invite. I'm going to say no right now so I can rest."

* "That topic feels too tender for me. Let’s talk about something else."

You don’t have to justify, defend, or over-explain. Short responses are generally better.

A boundary isn’t a wall—it’s a doorway back to your own inner safety. Grief takes time. Don’t give up your peace.

Here are a few extras for those who want to go deeper:

5 Boundary-Setting Scripts for Work, Church, Family, and Social Media:

* Work: "I’m still navigating a lot emotionally. I’ll let you know if and when I’m ready to share more."

* Church: "I appreciate your prayers, and I need a little more quiet right now."

* Family: "I love you, but I need space to grieve on my own terms."

* Friends: "Please don’t be offended if I don’t respond quickly—I'm taking care of myself the best I can."

* Social Media: "Thank you for your kind messages. I may not reply to everyone, but I feel your love."

Journal Prompt:

* "Where am I most afraid to say no—and what would it feel like to say it anyway?"

Self-Compassion Checklist for Grief Days:

* I gave myself permission to rest.

* I honored my emotions without judgment.

* I allowed myself to not be okay.

* I said no when I needed to.

* I asked for support,or considered who I might ask next time.

Boundaries are not a betrayal of others—they are a promise to yourself. Let this be your reminder: you’re allowed to need less, speak less, do less. Especially now.

Your bonus grief preparation meditation:

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit grief2growth.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit grief2growth.substack.com/subscribe