I found myself in a conversation with my parents about my childhood. Out of nowhere, my father offered an unsolicited apology for things that, truthfully, I’d never held against him. I turned to him and said:

“You don’t need to apologize. If I’m still blaming you for my problems at 45, the problem is me now, not you.”

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This exchange stayed with me for days. Not because my childhood was marked by any deep wounds—quite the opposite. I consider myself fortunate to have grown up in a loving home, with no major traumas caused by malice or neglect. But it reminded me how easy it is, even decades later, to let old narratives dictate our present feelings or choices.

One of the first management classes I ever took introduced a concept that has guided me throughout my life and career: the difference between being the captain of your own ship and being a pawn of fate. In other words, do you believe you are steering the vessel—or merely being tossed around by waves you can’t control?

Psychologists call this your locus of control—a term coined by Julian Rotter in the 1950s. People with an internal locus of control believe they can influence their own outcomes through their actions, decisions, and mindset. Those with an external locus of control feel that life “happens” to them, shaped by luck, fate, or the actions of others.

Research consistently shows that individuals who feel they are captains of their own ships—who believe they can affect their own fate—tend to be more successful, resilient, and healthier both physically and mentally. In a study published in Psychological Bulletin, researchers found that an internal locus of control was strongly linked to higher achievement in school, greater career success, better stress management, and lower rates of depression and anxiety.

The Brain’s Bias Toward Blame

There’s even a neurological angle to this. The human brain is wired to seek cause-and-effect explanations for the events in our lives. When something goes wrong—especially in childhood—our brains look for someone to blame. Blame, in the short term, offers relief because it creates a narrative. But over time, it becomes a prison.

Neuroscience research suggests that chronic blame keeps the brain stuck in a threat-response state. The amygdala stays activated, scanning for danger and fueling stories of victimhood. Conversely, when we shift into ownership, the prefrontal cortex—the brain’s center of rational thought and planning—becomes more engaged. We become better problem-solvers. We see options instead of obstacles.

I’ve seen many times how people say they want to be the ones steering the ship of their lives—but when faced with real control and responsibility, they’re terrified. Some even sabotage themselves, unconsciously creating chaos or excuses so they can keep blaming someone or something else. Because the truth is, becoming the captain of your own ship can be hard—and incredibly scary. Psychologically, this fear often stems from loss aversion and the brain’s preference for certainty, even if that certainty is negative. Neuroscientists have shown that the amygdala—the brain’s threat detector—activates more strongly when we anticipate potential failure or rejection. It can feel safer, albeit limiting, to surrender control and blame external forces rather than risk the discomfort and vulnerability that come with owning our choices and mistakes. Research on learned helplessness also reveals how repeated experiences of feeling powerless can train the brain to avoid agency altogether, even when freedom is possible. Stepping into true ownership isn’t just a mindset shift—it’s a brave neurological rewiring that takes practice and self-compassion.

A Lens for the Hispanic Community

There’s another layer for our Hispanic community. Research shows that minorities and historically marginalized groups often report a more external locus of control—not because they lack drive or resilience, but because real systemic barriers, discrimination, and limited access to resources have repeatedly shown them that effort doesn’t always equal outcome. Claude Steele’s work on stereotype threat demonstrates how simply being aware of negative stereotypes can undermine confidence and fuel stress. Chronic discrimination also activates the brain’s stress responses, making it harder to engage in proactive, problem-solving thinking.

Yet, other research is clear: cultivating an internal locus of control, even in small ways, is a powerful predictor of resilience, success, and mental health in marginalized communities. It’s a delicate balance—acknowledging real structural obstacles while still claiming our power to act where we can.

A Call to Action for Our Community

To my fellow Hispanics: as we grow into the largest and most influential minority in America, we’re standing at a powerful crossroads. But to truly rise to the occasion, we must look inward as well as outward. Many of us carry invisible chains—stories we’ve inherited, biases we’ve internalized, and moments when life taught us that the world happens to us, not because of us. This external locus of control can keep us playing small, waiting for permission, or blaming systems without also seizing our own agency.

It’s time to recognize those chains—and break them. Yes, systemic barriers are real. But so is our power to shape our destinies. Let’s own our stories, challenge limiting beliefs, and step into leadership in our families, our workplaces, and our communities. If we’re to claim our place as a force in this country, we can’t just be passengers on the ship. We must be its captains.

An Invitation to Reflect

So here’s my invitation to you:

Take a moment to reflect. Consider where you might still be assigning blame—whether to people, systems, or circumstances—and where you might step into greater ownership. Use these questions as a starting point:

🌟 Where am I still blaming someone or something from my past for my current situation?

* Is that blame serving me—or keeping me stuck?

🌟 In what areas of my life do I feel like a captain steering the ship?

* Where do I feel like a passenger being carried along?

🌟 When challenges arise, do I focus more on what I can control or on what’s outside my control?

🌟 Are there any old narratives about my childhood or past experiences that I’m still carrying, even if they no longer fit who I am today?

🌟 How might taking ownership—rather than assigning blame—change how I feel about a current problem?

🌟 What’s one small action I could take this week to reinforce the idea that I’m in charge of my own life?

🌟 How does my self-talk sound when things go wrong? Do I speak to myself as a victim of circumstance—or as someone capable of finding solutions?

🌟 Who in my life models ownership and accountability? What can I learn from how they handle setbacks?

Because shifting from “life happens to me” to “I make life happen” isn’t just a slogan—it’s a journey. And for our community, it may be one of the most important journeys we’ll ever take

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