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How We Self-Soothe When We Don’t Know Where We Stand
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There’s a stage of dating that doesn’t get talked about enough.
You’re not single.
You’re not secure.
And you don’t quite know where you stand.
For many of us, especially neurodivergent, trauma-aware women, that uncertainty isn’t just emotional. It’s physical. We feel it in our bodies, and until we have some sense of orientation, our nervous system stays unsettled.
In this episode, I explore:
- why ambiguity in dating can feel so dis-regulating
- why the need for clarity is about regulation, not neediness
- how this often gets misread as pressure or pushing
- and why many of us subconsciously turn to comfort food as a way to self-soothe when clarity is missing, especially post-menopause
This isn’t about stopping coping behaviours or fixing yourself.
It’s about understanding what your body is doing, and meeting it with compassion instead of shame.
If you’ve ever found yourself analysing messages, replaying conversations, craving clarity, or soothing the discomfort with food while waiting to see where you stand, this episode is for you.
💛 Support beyond the episode
If this has stirred something for you and you don’t want to hold it alone:
🎧 Voice Note Support
Send me a message and receive a grounded, thoughtful voice note in return, helping you orient yourself and settle your nervous system.
💌 Dear Ilja
Write in (anonymously if you wish) and receive an honest, compassionate response rooted in clarity, not judgement.
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/work-with-me/#voicenote
Until next spiral.
🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.
For more raw, honest takes on dating, ADHD, trauma, and being a woman on high alert — head to iljaabbattista.co.uk
Let’s keep this messy, magical conversation going:
📩 Get updates: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/
🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or topic: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/%f0%9f%8e%99%ef%b8%8f-submit-a-guest-pitch-or-podcast-topic/
📬 Contact me: [email protected]
📱 Follow along on Instagram: @ilja.abbattista
Unmask. Rebuild. Thrive.
View all episodes
By Ilja AbbattistaSend us a text
There’s a stage of dating that doesn’t get talked about enough.
You’re not single.
You’re not secure.
And you don’t quite know where you stand.
For many of us, especially neurodivergent, trauma-aware women, that uncertainty isn’t just emotional. It’s physical. We feel it in our bodies, and until we have some sense of orientation, our nervous system stays unsettled.
In this episode, I explore:
- why ambiguity in dating can feel so dis-regulating
- why the need for clarity is about regulation, not neediness
- how this often gets misread as pressure or pushing
- and why many of us subconsciously turn to comfort food as a way to self-soothe when clarity is missing, especially post-menopause
This isn’t about stopping coping behaviours or fixing yourself.
It’s about understanding what your body is doing, and meeting it with compassion instead of shame.
If you’ve ever found yourself analysing messages, replaying conversations, craving clarity, or soothing the discomfort with food while waiting to see where you stand, this episode is for you.
💛 Support beyond the episode
If this has stirred something for you and you don’t want to hold it alone:
🎧 Voice Note Support
Send me a message and receive a grounded, thoughtful voice note in return, helping you orient yourself and settle your nervous system.
💌 Dear Ilja
Write in (anonymously if you wish) and receive an honest, compassionate response rooted in clarity, not judgement.
https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/work-with-me/#voicenote
Until next spiral.
🎧 Subscribe, share, and spiral with me.
For more raw, honest takes on dating, ADHD, trauma, and being a woman on high alert — head to iljaabbattista.co.uk
Let’s keep this messy, magical conversation going:
📩 Get updates: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/truth-led-podcast-sign-up/
🎙️ Submit a guest pitch or topic: https://iljaabbattista.co.uk/%f0%9f%8e%99%ef%b8%8f-submit-a-guest-pitch-or-podcast-topic/
📬 Contact me: [email protected]
📱 Follow along on Instagram: @ilja.abbattista
Unmask. Rebuild. Thrive.