Change is good, right? Change is glamorous, change is adventurous, change is chic. Yeah, freaking, right.

Change is great until what you've always known yourself to be turns out to be a label that can be taken from you. Change is great until the person you're looking at in the mirror isn't the person you dreamed you would be 5 years ago. Change is great until you have to decide if you want to get-to-know this person without the possibility of her ever becoming what you thought she would be... or if you just want to get lost in the world of distractions and introduce yourself to others as "yeah, idk who I am, tbh."

I don't know who convinced us that change was this incredible thing that we all should sign up for, but whoever it was, I'd like to have a chat. It seems that every time I go through a major change in my life, my entire sense of reality and sense of self gets thrown out the window, and there I go jumping out the window chasing it. It is NOT FUN to feel like I don't know who I am without the things I can do and produce and create, but the fact of the matter is...

If who I've always thought I was can be taken from me, then maybe I was never that person at all.

And that process of self discovery when you're already about 30 years in, can be a bit overwhelming. So, I have the choice, do I just get lost in other realities that are already developed and tied together perfectly in the next romance novel I can get my hands on? Do I just tie my identity to pieces of characters in each Netflix show I watch, and when I don't have the answer to the next part of myself, I just click play on the next show to try and find the solution? Do I just quiet the questions by getting lost in the music, or the alcohol or the drugs? Do I just try to control what I DO know and make sure the number on the scale is always what I want?

I don't think that reality is as great as we make it out to be. Just coping with the not knowing is not enough for me anymore. If I don't know who I am without the dreams coming true, without the goals and achievements, without the baby in my arms, without the career of a lifetime, without the perfect body and hair and face, then I am going to find out who I am because maybe, just maybe, I am more than that.

Welcome to No One's Home. I am your host, Cicily. <3