April 01, 2026

I Really Don't Want To Do This

5 minutes

I still remember the day you sent me away.

The ache of that hour you cast me out to stray.

You closed the door, built a wall of stone,

And left a young boy to the darkness alone.

You were never an easy man, but neither am I,

A storm meeting storm in a churning sky.

I am just a shattered mirror in this desolate place,

Just reflecting the parts of yourself that you couldn't stand to face.

You turned your back on me, and said you didn't need me,

And for twenty long years, your shadow would bleed me.

I hungered for you with a craving like sin,

While you locked the front door and wouldn't let me in.

You scrubbed out my name like a stain on the yard,

A ghost in the photos, forgotten and scarred.

I begged for one dinner, a final holiday regard,

But they couldn't defy you, because you are so hard.

Not using a condom was your greatest regret.

When you told me that, it was something I would never forget.

You never were good with protection, it's clear,

Guarding your pride while you ruled us with fear.

You spent every day tearing down all I am,

Just to hold up your walls like a cold river dam.

It's too late for Trojan, no doubt,

But now is the time for you to just pull out.

I've replayed those tapes twenty years in my mind,

I always come back to the exact same question: Would it have killed you to be kind?

It's the end of the road, buddy.

I wish that my vision wasn't so muddy.

I love you, I promise I do.

I just thought you'd be gone before I said goodbye to you.

You saw me off to school, as a routine it was our way,

But now here I come to see you off on your final day.

The man who demanded that I leave in disgrace,

Now relies on me to lead him to his final place.

And they look to me for answers on how to sever the ties,

Because they still fear the raging storm in your eyes.

You wouldn't believe how hard I have fought for you,

We have to protect him, we have to care for him, it's what he would do.

See? When it comes to lying to them I'm a chip off the block.

But seriously dude how many more minutes are you going to put on this clock?

After all this I have to care for the man I despise,

Did you ever think maybe the way you treated me wasn't wise?

You told me I'd step foot in that house over your dead body.

Congratulations, Daddy! It's time for your beam me up, Scotty.

You spent a whole lifetime just needing to be right,

But now you're leaving and I'm Mr. White.

I don't know how I could step into your shoes,

You are such a small man, with your petty abuse.

What a bitter, dark pill I am forced to swallow,

To come home and nurse a cold man in his deathly hollow.

I pray the clock runs out and grants quick release,

Because all any of us ever wanted from you was to live our lives in peace.

I have to take care of the girls now; I have to be the man.

Though I barely know how, I'm not sure that I can,

With half a man for an example like a compass that's broke.

How do I hold up this house built on your wreckage and smoke?

How does a son ever learn how to lead,

When the father who made him ignored every need?

I guess I'll find the exact man that you were in the past,

And do what you couldn't, break this cycle at last.

I'll start by stepping to the mirror and looking you in the face.

I'll guide her with wisdom while I stand in your place.

I'm sure I'll screw up but I'll admit is when I do.

I'll try some kindness cuz that would be different from you.

And then I'll give you love even if you deserve none.

And I'll fight to give you peace until your time is done.

Alright boy, that's what you say,

Because saying I love you just wasn't your way.

I want to say you love me, but I don't know if that's true.

Maybe that's why I'm coming to help you.

Maybe now we'll finally get a chance

To fix what was broken before you're under the plants.

But you didn't protect the one who you gave a vow.

She has no safety, no net. I just want to ask you how,

Even in death you just simply failed.

You could have been a good man but that ship has sailed.

She's going to suffer through so much lack

For that one thing I wish I could pay you back.

I wish I was different but you're someone I will not miss,

But I'm on my way, I really don't want to do this.

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Feel free to leave a comment or critique or complaint because those are things that make me stronger.

If you know somebody who wants to read some angsty poetry and some emotional fantasy stories, share it with them and we can all learn and grow and evolve together.

Thanks for stopping by.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit findyourcolors.substack.com/subscribe

...more

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By Jeff B. White

April 01, 2026

I Really Don't Want To Do This

5 minutes

I still remember the day you sent me away.

The ache of that hour you cast me out to stray.

You closed the door, built a wall of stone,

And left a young boy to the darkness alone.

You were never an easy man, but neither am I,

A storm meeting storm in a churning sky.

I am just a shattered mirror in this desolate place,

Just reflecting the parts of yourself that you couldn't stand to face.

You turned your back on me, and said you didn't need me,

And for twenty long years, your shadow would bleed me.

I hungered for you with a craving like sin,

While you locked the front door and wouldn't let me in.

You scrubbed out my name like a stain on the yard,

A ghost in the photos, forgotten and scarred.

I begged for one dinner, a final holiday regard,

But they couldn't defy you, because you are so hard.

Not using a condom was your greatest regret.

When you told me that, it was something I would never forget.

You never were good with protection, it's clear,

Guarding your pride while you ruled us with fear.

You spent every day tearing down all I am,

Just to hold up your walls like a cold river dam.

It's too late for Trojan, no doubt,

But now is the time for you to just pull out.

I've replayed those tapes twenty years in my mind,

I always come back to the exact same question: Would it have killed you to be kind?

It's the end of the road, buddy.

I wish that my vision wasn't so muddy.

I love you, I promise I do.

I just thought you'd be gone before I said goodbye to you.

You saw me off to school, as a routine it was our way,

But now here I come to see you off on your final day.

The man who demanded that I leave in disgrace,

Now relies on me to lead him to his final place.

And they look to me for answers on how to sever the ties,

Because they still fear the raging storm in your eyes.

You wouldn't believe how hard I have fought for you,

We have to protect him, we have to care for him, it's what he would do.

See? When it comes to lying to them I'm a chip off the block.

But seriously dude how many more minutes are you going to put on this clock?

After all this I have to care for the man I despise,

Did you ever think maybe the way you treated me wasn't wise?

You told me I'd step foot in that house over your dead body.

Congratulations, Daddy! It's time for your beam me up, Scotty.

You spent a whole lifetime just needing to be right,

But now you're leaving and I'm Mr. White.

I don't know how I could step into your shoes,

You are such a small man, with your petty abuse.

What a bitter, dark pill I am forced to swallow,

To come home and nurse a cold man in his deathly hollow.

I pray the clock runs out and grants quick release,

Because all any of us ever wanted from you was to live our lives in peace.

I have to take care of the girls now; I have to be the man.

Though I barely know how, I'm not sure that I can,

With half a man for an example like a compass that's broke.

How do I hold up this house built on your wreckage and smoke?

How does a son ever learn how to lead,

When the father who made him ignored every need?

I guess I'll find the exact man that you were in the past,

And do what you couldn't, break this cycle at last.

I'll start by stepping to the mirror and looking you in the face.

I'll guide her with wisdom while I stand in your place.

I'm sure I'll screw up but I'll admit is when I do.

I'll try some kindness cuz that would be different from you.

And then I'll give you love even if you deserve none.

And I'll fight to give you peace until your time is done.

Alright boy, that's what you say,

Because saying I love you just wasn't your way.

I want to say you love me, but I don't know if that's true.

Maybe that's why I'm coming to help you.

Maybe now we'll finally get a chance

To fix what was broken before you're under the plants.

But you didn't protect the one who you gave a vow.

She has no safety, no net. I just want to ask you how,

Even in death you just simply failed.

You could have been a good man but that ship has sailed.

She's going to suffer through so much lack

For that one thing I wish I could pay you back.

I wish I was different but you're someone I will not miss,

But I'm on my way, I really don't want to do this.

Feel free to leave a comment or critique or complaint because those are things that make me stronger.

If you know somebody who wants to read some angsty poetry and some emotional fantasy stories, share it with them and we can all learn and grow and evolve together.

Thanks for stopping by.

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit findyourcolors.substack.com/subscribe

...more

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