brain, thinking, mania, bipolar, energy, reality, funny, unconditional love, consciousness, feel

It's less than six hours away from the New Year. And I'm sitting here by myself, of course. Lately, I've somewhat lost my appetite because of stress or whatever, and I've been eating a lot of pickles. And I have a favorite brand. There, the Bobby's pickles, because they're not pasteurized. So they have the cloudy brine. And today I picked a pickle. And it's a double pickle actually joined, it's one pickle, see, but it's too. And. And I think that's lucky. I think that means that I'm going to have the best year ever. Next year starting in six hours. I'm going to get off my medication. And I'm going to be an example of that. I watched a TED talk by David Asprey. And he's the bulletproof exact guy. And he mentioned that if something can be disproved once, then the assumptions of the model are not fully correct. It's a good model, but it's not always correct. And I feel I won't be the first person to break it. But I'll definitely be talking to myself along the way to see how it goes. Because I am a little bit scared. But maybe if this process of talking to myself about it, and and maybe sharing it one day when when I've accomplished something, maybe that'll help other people to do the same. Because there's a lot of people who do share their story of success, but maybe don't necessarily talk to themselves along the way about it. They share it later on, and it's not as visible. I have no idea. I definitely think the double pickle is good luck. This year has been pretty interesting. I started making videos in late June. So just six months ago, ish. And I definitely feel stronger and weaker at the same time too. I feel like things are coming up for me, but maybe I can handle them. And it makes me feel weaker, because I don't just crumble automatically I ride it out. And it's somewhat painful. But I feel like I really don't want to go back to the psych ward. And maybe that's another reason why I'm able to manage it more because I really don't want to go back. And tomorrow, it will officially be that I haven't been back in eight months, because I was out of the hospital in early May, I think. So I still might need a few days to actually make it officially eight months but and then through this process of talking to myself for the last six months. I feel like I just don't resonate with the paradigm anymore. I resonate with transcending the paradigm. And that's what I experienced in April. And I think that was the lesson that I was supposed to learn was that a lot of people that go in for help in the psych ward are given medication that actually make them worse. And when the meds make somebody worse, like it did for me is just attributed to worsening of mental illness. Yet if the meds seem to make something better, while it must have been the meds that made it better, so it's never the meds that make it worse, but it's the meds that make it better. And I'm wondering if if it does much of anything either way, or if it just mainly makes it worse. And then when it gets better, it seems like the meds made it better. I have no idea. All I know is that I think after having two hospitalizations where I was in and out really easily. With third one showed me that it can just as easily be made a lot worse by the paradigm that's trying to help. And I felt so powerless to try to escape it. And since that happened, I don't want anything to do with that at all. I just have so many other thoughts and ideas about what's really going on. And how we really need to find out what it is the brain is trying to do, or the mind is trying to do. Like Dr. Daniel Siegel says the mind uses the brain to create itself well, the mind is using the brain and turning brains into bipolar brains to create itself too. But it's not working. It's not being able to create itself, it's not being able to create this heaven on earth. And we experienced that heaven on earth