Ice is forming on the tips of my wings,
Unheeded warnings, I thought, I thought of everything.

Pink Floyd, Learning to Fly

“You have to know how to fall,” she said earnestly. “People always stiffen up when they need to stay loose and roll with it. I was a cheerleader once, you know. We had to learn how to tumble.” So goes the conversation when one spends an evening sitting next to a beautiful soul who has procured true wisdom over the span of 92 years. “Of course, it doesn’t always work,” she added with great earnestness. I smiled as I replied, “Brilliant. That is going to show up in a blog sometime.” She smiled back, perhaps a little uncertain of what I meant by “blog.”

Falling is serious business, particularly for those over the age of 65. Here are a few facts:

• In the U.S., every 35 minutes, a senior dies following a fall.

Falling isn’t reserved for the aged. Visiting my daughter at her college a number of years ago, I walked out of the bookstore looking upward at a building on the quad and missed a step down, causing my own action roll, and relatively quick pop-up with a furtive look around to gauge how just how public my fall was. Curiously, I was literally alone at that moment and very fortunately unharmed. I’m certain my “action roll” wasn’t as graceful as it seemed in my mind. There is always room to learn more about falling with style.

The data for falling suggest that odds are pretty good for most of us that we’re going to trip, stumble, or simply miss a step, at some point and take a tumble – 25% of everyone over 65 falls each year. However, physically falling isn’t the only kind of fall we’re likely to experience. In fact, there is a 100% chance that we will experience multiple falls in our life: falls out of relationships, falls out of jobs, falls out of favor, falls out of hope, or joy, or peace, etc. Our lives as human beings are marked by falls and, physical or not, they are almost always painful.

Reflecting on my friend’s sage counsel related to managing a physical fall, I wonder how we might apply it to the other falls that pepper our existence. How do we stay loose and roll with it when the falls come?

One natural reaction to falling is to “brace for impact.” Perhaps young children give us a hint at how we might approach our reaction to a fall. As I watch my grandchildren run around, I’m always astounded at how they seem to “bounce” with repeated falls. Sure, there are skinned knees and bruises, but on a percentage basis, they are really effective at falling. What’s their secret? They don’t grit their teeth. They don’t brace for impact. They don’t grasp at the situation. Even in a fall, children approach it with open hands.

Let’s face it, as we move along our crazy, bumpy, topsy-turvy, lives, we want the order of control and prefer to have a good grip on, well, everything. When the fall is upon us, we want to grab it and manage it to the proper conclusion. So many of our figurative falls mirror a physical fall: we are literally tumbling through open space and there is nothing to grab on to. However, in trying to grasp onto anything to help break our fall, we often do more damage to ourselves, and quite possibly, to those around us.

Toddler Rule Number One: Don’t grasp, your efforts to grip only add tension.

As we age, we have far less “bounce” in us than we did as children. However, most of the time, they’re not actually “bouncing.” Children have a beautiful way of surrendering to reality. They seem able to assent to circumstances in a way that so many of us have long forgotten. We’ve been convinced that success as an adult is about “making things happen” and “bending the world to our will.” Frank taught us that it’s glamorous and necessary to “do it our way.”

Such self-determination is completely counter to falling well. The toddler wants his or her way as much, or even more, than the most selfish adult, but has the gift of letting go when reality shows the necessary path. The “bounce” happens because his surrender is fast and his desires are redirected in the context of the reality of the situation. There is little lamentation, second guessing, or frustration as his energies are redirected quickly to what is possible.

Toddler Rule Number Two: Be prepared to surrender control when reality demands it. Assent quickens the bounce.

Sometimes, things just happen. We’re walking along and suddenly we trip and fall. However, there are other times when we can see it coming. Time and experience have trained us to keep our eyes open for the pitfalls, collisions, and “other shoes dropping” that mark the human journey. We just know stuff is going to happen. This early warning system can be a real life-saver but it can also exacerbate the impact of our falls.

Anticipating the falls of our lives can bring fear into our minds, hearts, and limbs. The hardening of soul and sinew that comes from the fear of what might happen can be worse than any amount of grasping or thrashing. Fear literally makes us brittle. It causes stiffness across our entire being, setting us up for a broken heart or broken will as surely as hitting a wall can break our bones. Fear is natural and necessary, however, learning to balance our circle of real influence with that greater circle of concern where things sit outside our influence is critical to staying loose when the fall comes.

Toddler Rule Number Three: A little fearlessness goes a long way in staying relaxed for the falls that inevitably come.

Considering my fall on the campus quad, there were two thoughts going through my head as I moved through it: Did I hurt something? Did anyone see me? Falls are going to happen and with them, there will be injuries. Our hearts, wills, and bodies, will break along the way. What does the toddler have to show us about these realities?

First of all, any injury sends the toddler looking for mom or dad or nanny. With the hurt comes the need for comfort and counsel. Injuries need tending. The wounds we endure require healing and we must be ready to call in help to manage them. There is no going-it-alone and all the self-reliance in the world amounts to little when we are broken.

Toddler Rule Number Four: When injury happens, seek help.

The good news is that many falls may occur but they won’t all cause major injury. At least physically. The next great danger is to our pride, and our ability to roll with it is often hampered by the sense of self that reacts to the fall. Did we stumble on our own or did we have some help? Falling by our own ignorance, mistake, or misstep, can be a devastating blow to self-esteem. Looking around as we are lying on the ground, do we see others laughing at our faltering? Perhaps even worse, do we see a look of horror in their eyes as they witness our fall?

Pride is such a tricky beast. It is both the vision we have of ourself and the expectation we have of the world to see it the same way. When our vision of self is impacted by a fall or we believe the world outside now sees us as less, the initial fall threatens to spiral further. The toddler is unburdened by such self regard. Facing the reality of the fall, embracing the need for healing, or picking herself up and motoring on, she sees it simply as it is: a bump in the road. It is just part of being and she feels no less for it.

Toddler Rule Number Five: You are not your fall.

In 1995’s Toy Story, toy cowboy, Woody, confronts the competing new toy, Buzz Lightyear, and all of his fancy gadgetry, by saying “That’s not flying, that’s just falling with style.” I wonder, is falling with style a form of flying?

Buzz Lightyear’s flying was his version of flourishing, a place in which he was operating at his peak self. Thinking of my 92-year-old friend and her long life, I realize that she has mastered the art of falling with style. She had to, otherwise there is no way she would have been at that table telling me about it. May we all find such a path to our own flourishing.