What does it mean if you feel contempt in your relationship?

(I’ll share a new free resource at the end)

I recently heard the phrase “Normal Marital Hatred” in my RLT training.

When I heard this I thought, “Yep, I know that feeling.”

I’ve written elsewhere about my two marriages, but in the story I’m going to tell you, I am 29. I’ve been married for four years. We have a small home we’ve built together. It is a shoes-off house.

There are two steps leading up to the front door of the house. My then-husband has a habit of leaving his shoes in the middle of the steps. So that I either have to move them, or step over them.

I arrive home first from work. And on this particular day, I’ve had it. My students were a pain in the butt, my lessons didn’t work, and my boss was micro-managing. I just wanted to come home, have a nice dinner, and chill.

I’m entering the house, and as usual, his boots are in the way, but in my urgency to enter, I don’t see them. I trip, and fall through the threshold.

A swoosh of rage rushes through me. Why can’t he put his f*****g shoes on the f*****g shoe rack that is RIGHT NEXT TO THE DOOR???

Instead of responding as an adult, I react from my adaptive child. I pick up his boots and throw them into the snow-covered yard, in two different directions.

After, I’m standing in my kitchen fuming. What an inconsiderate a*****e. He doesn’t think of anyone else but himself. Selfish. Entitled.

What I didn’t know at the time is that I was stewing in my Core Negative Image of my partner.

I remember thinking, ‘Ah, this must be marriage then. You just hate your partner, and keep going.’

At the time, it seemed clear that this was just the trajectory of relationships. And truly, the married people I knew all seemed to hate their partners, even if just a little bit.

My then-husband came home puzzled and annoyed that I’d thrown his boots in the yard. He didn’t stop leaving them on the steps. I didn’t have the tools to explain what I needed (consideration) and what I was asking for (please put them on the shoe rack.)

And so the contempt trajectory continued, until it reached its obvious conclusion: divorce.

Fast forward 25 years.

My current partner and I were going through a challenging season.

When I started to feel contempt, my lips would turn down. I didn’t want to look at him. I felt gross inside.

Something in me went “Uh oh. Oh no.”

I recognized the feelings. I got quiet, and sought what was beneath that feeling.

What I found surprised me: deep yearning for mutual cherishing.

I yearned to cherish, and be cherished.

There was an ache, like something had gone missing from the place it had always been. Like the empty socket of a tooth that was pulled, that your tongue worries.

The goodwill and warm positive regard I had felt for years was just... gone.

Where was my love for my partner? I couldn’t feel it.

I felt grief, and deep concern.

This time, instead of accepting contempt as a normal phase of a relationship, I challenged myself: maybe this was a warning sign. Not something to wait out.

A huge problem with contempt and resentment is that you are the one holding them.

The poison is in you, slowly eroding the love and care you used to have. And to be honest, they are fairly come by. You don’t start hating your person in a vacuum.

There is a backlog of unrepaired wounds. The triggers have gotten grooved.

They are too predictable, and you know too well the path the fight will take. But you are the one living with the unmetabolized pain. It’s hurting you and your good life.

(I’m imagining standing on a pulpit preaching about the value of love and relationship) But there is a way back from contempt!

It starts with deciding you love yourself too much to live with it.

Surprised?

So now what?

Decisions, decisions.

* Is the relationship salvageable?

* Will you keep on keeping on, misery intact?

* Will you leave? And take your own b******t with you, even as you escape theirs?

When I felt contempt in my current marriage, I knew exactly where that road led.

So I got my ass into therapy with a Relational Life Therapist who could help me clean up what was on my side of the street. (I’m the one who hurls boots, remember?)

I have recovered my warm positive regard for my partner.

I do not feel contempt anymore.

I work regularly to replace my core negative image of my partner with a better version.

My marriage now feels like the marriage I want to be in.

Feeling contempt was the warning sign that made me take action instead of sitting passively and letting things unfold.

Here’s the counterintuitive good news: if you hate them, it means you still care. There is still room to do the work.

My Relational Life Therapy teacher, Terry Real, says it’s possible to live a contempt-free life. I believe him, because I’m living it.

If any of this landed for you, I made something specifically for you.

It’s called The Contempt Audit: A self-assessment for when you’re done pretending you don’t hate your partner a little. Free PDF guide and audio recording, if you’re sitting with feelings you haven’t quite named.

https://www.pavinimoray.com/thecontemptaudit.html

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