In an ideal world, that’s what Keir Starmer would say to Donald Trump. If this were an irrevocably broken-down marriage, one spouse would fear leaving the other because they would give up the relative safety of having somewhere to live and the financial security of a combined income. Even if they were living in misery and without real agency.

On paper, we (the United Kingdom) could theoretically and unilaterally decide to put an end to the façade that is the “Special Relationship.”

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The Options:

We could scale down our respective embassies. The mise-en-scène of British and American mega embassies, as seen in Netflix’s The Diplomat, would be like gargantuan hollow chocolate Santas.

We could withdraw from the Five Eyes Agreement, GCHQ would immediately lose access to valuable US intelligence, extracting gluttonous calories from The Doughnut to render it looking more like The Hula Hoop. Such is the clandestine nature of our secret services, it would put an unquantifiable amount of intelligence operations, agents, and assets at risk in ways we can’t even comprehend.

The UK won’t publicly acknowledge its backbone, but reports that we don’t want to be complicit in alleged war crimes sanctioned by Secretary of War Port Kegsippeth give me some comfort.

Unless Trump ever carries out his threat to withdraw the United States from NATO, we could kick him out of the marital home first. The chances of this happening are about as slim as me replacing Arne Slot. The US Military is embedded within many parts of the Royal Air Force. Well over 10,000 troops are stationed in our bases; the US effectively operates as the sovereign entity within them. These bases host critical infrastructure for intelligence sharing, aircraft refuelling, nuclear weapons storage, and the infamous Four Minute Warning.

It’s called The Nuclear Option for a reason. If we decided to call America’s bluff, our Trident Nuclear Deterrent would be rendered obsolete in the medium-long term. Warheads and components need regular software updates and hardware maintenance, which the Americans control. I don’t think Keir Starmer will initiate mutually assured destruction if Arsenal don’t win their next game, but nothing could theoretically stop him if he felt trigger-happy in the next few days.

Die Kontkruiper

A very public departure from our nuclear alliance with the United States would also leave Vladimir Putin rubbing his hands with glee. Our Defence Secretary, John Healey, revealed how Russian warships are increasingly pushing their luck near UK waters. In a previous Substack, I recommended a podcast miniseries called The Wargame, where former British politicians, experts, and academics play out a scenario where Russia launches a military attack against the United Kingdom, in a world where American support, and by extension NATO, is not ironclad.

Our vulnerability is laid bare and feels ever more imminent as both President Macron and Chancellor Merz have sounded the alarm ever so frequently in recent weeks. In their respective countries, voluntary national service and civil defense are being discussed, whereas at the supranational level, EU states are arguing amongst themselves about the legalities of backing a €90bn loan to Ukraine with frozen Russian assets.

As for NATO, member states’ commitments to raise their defence spending to 5% of GDP, including the purchase of American weapons, have done little to dissuade Trump of the idea that under its current political makeup, Europe is an adversary, not an ally. NATO Secretary General Mark Rutte has done everything he possibly can to demean his own personal integrity and kiss Trump’s orange caboose to save the alliance, but looking like a proverbial post-cake Bruce Bogtrotter has made no impact on the tone of the Trump Administration’s Security Strategy.

Thanks to a combination of legislation and gentlemen’s agreements between past Prime Ministers and Presidents, the UK effectively lets the US do as it pleases. A veto power does exist but was last used in 1973 during the Yom Kippur War.

In more recent years, those of you familiar with the tragic death of Harry Dunn know of America’s unwillingness to waive Anne Sacoolas’ diplomatic immunity. The Vienna Convention does not compel them to do so, but for crimes as serious as vehicular manslaughter, the court of public opinion sometimes prevails—unless you’re the United States. Had Mr. Sacoolas been a soldier and not a spy, The Visiting Forces Act of 1952 would not have applied to her either, as the legislation only concerned soldiers, not their relatives.

Abraham Simpson At The Border

The idea of Britain being “the bridge” between the US and the EU is, quite simply, bollocks. We have no idea if and how Starmer stands up to Trump in private, but in public, it is very much like Martin Prince trying to bribe Nelson Muntz with his Raisin Roundies before Trump simply feeds them off to a pack of dogs. Trump’s thinking is most likely: “You’ve got to fatten up those pesky Haitians somehow!”

In public, the bridge collapsed when Vice President JD Vance got up off of his couch to lecture Europe about free speech, censorship, and safeguarding democratic norms. He’s got a cheek given that under the Trump Administration, the content of this very Substack would see me turned away at the border like Abraham Simpson swiftly entering and exiting a burlesque house.

Another diplomatic tool in the UK’s arsenal would be to withdraw from the Visa Waiver Programme. For anyone politically left of fascism, the scheme is effectively redundant.

Television shows like Border Security: Australia have common tropes like Chinese tourists not declaring suitcases worth of fresh produce. If the American version makes a comeback, I hope I’m not caught on camera being asked why I asked Gemini to morph an image of myself into the JD Vance meme. I’m guessing an answer along the lines of, “Because it’s fucking hilarious!” will see me swiftly deported.

Economic Retaliation

This is the stuff of fairytales. We could fight authoritarianism with economic nous. Rumours have swirled around suggesting that the UK & EU combined could dump $2 trillion worth of US Government debt if Trump bypasses Europe and Ukraine is forced to accept Kremlin-friendly terms to end the war. This would mean all US bonds held in Europe flooding the market at once, massively driving down the price, and tanking the US economy.

The European Union, with its mighty Single Market that we were once members of, could probably absorb a Trump tariff blitzkrieg. In my honest opinion, I don’t think the UK Government has the balls to carry out such a threat. The consequences would be political suicide for a Labour Government that has never been so unpopular so quickly.

In PMQs this week, Liberal Democrats Leader Ed Davey yet again highlighted to Keir Starmer that realigning with Europe in a meaningful fashion is the best defence against Trump’s irrationality.

In his response, the Prime Minister unintentionally explained how beholden to the whims of Pol Pot of Gravy we are. Starmer argued that by rejoining the Customs Union, the UK would jeopardise the preferential tariffs on steel that keep jobs going like those at Jaguar Land Rover.

If Starmer took a moral stance, the right-wing media would encircle him and Rachel Reeves like sharks as the eventual consequences played out. Thousands of job losses, huge tariff increases, cancellation of the multi-billion-pound investment into AI, data centres, and quantum computing, etc. All of these and more would condemn Rachel Reeves’ career to the dustbin. Unable to revise her tepid, incremental tinkering without huge increases in borrowing or taxation, our self-imposed isolationism would be laid bare.

Let The Orange See The Lettuce

There are no good options for the United Kingdom. We have adopted the very obvious junior partner role in the “Special Relationship,” probably since the Suez Crisis. Let’s not forget that when Argentina invaded the Falklands, President Reagan wasn’t keen to support Britain defending its sovereign territory at first, but the resolve of Margaret Thatcher changed America’s stance from ambivalence to support.

The Iraq War was a deeply unpopular disgrace of a campaign that rightfully scorched Tony Blair’s reputation. However, he had the gumption to tell George W. Bush that to give his “War on Terror” consent from the international community, it needed a UN Security Council Resolution. (Best not mention the Sexed Up Dossier, though.)

In response to the Global Financial Crisis, you couldn’t have two people who were so chalk and cheese like Barack Obama and Gordon Brown, but the British Prime Minister of that time persuaded Obama to reform the financial system and embrace globalisation over protectionism.

For as long as a deeply unserious, economically illiterate, corrupt fascist occupies the most powerful position in the very liberal world order Trump himself despises, maybe we should put the Special Relationship on hold. During this time, I’d be happy for the UK to nominate Liz Truss as a figurehead ambassador to the US on one condition: She can continue to kiss Donald Trump’s ring piece, this time in person rather than on her YouTube Channel. However, behind the scenes, the UK Government will have a clandestine ambassador who will do the actual work, liaising with any US counterparts that still have a functioning brain, unburdened by MAGA. If Trump doesn’t want to take the United Kingdom seriously, then we can placate him with deeply unserious people.

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