Garth Heckman

The David Alliance

[email protected] 

What do twirling a baton, turning handsprings, eating with chopsticks, spinning plates, playing the violin and Marriage all have in common?

Want to have a great life? Be more like Jesus… and have problems that make you want to pull your hair out? Get married.

As they say….

Marriage isn’t for a good time.. its for a long time.

But lets look beyond just marriage… 

Relationships wether BF/GF

Besties, Marriage, engagement

Boss/employee

Pastor/attender

Neighbor…

It does not matter - all relationships have one thing in common, one purpose. To cause you to grow.

Bluntly - to push your buttons so God can reprogram you. Right, thats what you do in testing coding… you write it, you test it, you find the flaws and you rewrite it.

Relationships push our buttons, that tests us, we see where we are lacking…where the bugs are in our software/brain and attitude and then ask God to rewire us… or transform our minds. 

And if thats really the case… and it is

 - why do we not look forward to it?

My marriage many times in my own life was a draaaaaag. I hated it. It drained me… I have had friendships like that as well… 

But why? Well because I thought that relationships were about what I got and rather than who I become.

The single greatest factor in spiritual growth is tied to relationships and how we handle them.

Imagine you want to get stronger in the gym but you don’t want to lift weights… ain’t gonna happen captain. 

As someone said “we are designed to grind” or better yet Opposites attract, then attack, then hopefully act like Christ. 

MARRIAGE

EIGHT STAGES OF CHRISTIAN GROWTH -- Philip A. Captain (p 165)

For example, in a marriage, we seem to assume that just because two people get married they must love each other. In reality, people do not get married because of love but in order to learn how to love. To have love in a marriage requires that the couple have intimacy and to have intimacy the two people must psychologically and spiritually grow up and quit being children. Most couples getting married today are doing so while still in states of emotional dependency, which means the marriage is based on neurotic need and not love. To have love and intimacy in a marriage requires that both people first must become adults.

Ahhh yes that whole become an adult thing… its hard adulting. But its even harder adulting as a follower of Christ… or maybe we should coin a new phrase “Christing… its tough Christing!” You’ve probably seen t shirts that say “not adulting today” if many were honest they would wear shirts that say Not Christing today… or most days. 

So rather than complain about relationships… ask God what is THAT YOU need to learn in that grind? 

Probably to me the most important thing I see in the counseling I do… and I don’t do much any more.. is that most don’t see relationships with a Growth Mindset (within relationships): This refers to the belief that relationships are not fixed entities but rather something that can be developed, morphed, evolve, shift and improved through effort and learning. Instead of viewing challenges as insurmountable obstacles, individuals with a growth mindset see them as opportunities for growth, understanding, and adaptation. They are willing to work through difficulties, learn from mistakes, and invest in developing communication skills, conflict resolution strategies, and mutual understanding. This contrasts with a "fixed mindset" where people might give up easily when faced with relationship issues, believing that compatibility is predetermined.