Reports say "Indiana Jones 5" will take place in space. Indiana Jones fans everywhere responded, "He chose...poorly." Apparently most of the budget is allocated to filling a spaceship with snakes. And I'm still waiting for an Indiana Jones that will take place in goddam Indiana like it's supposed to!

In White House news, the president is teaming up with dating apps to add special badges for those who are vaccinated. It's all part of Biden's plan to *really* bring this country together!

In Florida, a "hangry" alligator chased people through a Wendy's parking lot. Scientists say another word for "hangry alligator" is "alligator". Hasbro is already working on their newest game for kids, Hangry Hangry Alligators 

Finally, electric vehicle company Fisker has been hired to build an electric popemobile. The car has no navigation system, because, and I hope this is obvious, Christ will lead the way.